Posted on 07/12/2013 11:42:18 PM PDT by wac3rd
I want some advice as to any FReepers who have gone through a divorce. We have good jobs, good health (I'm a little overweight - 245 lbs and 6'4") and two young kids, 6 and 2.
There is just no feeling there anymore, we just resent each other and there is no love or passion. We sleep apart, don't do date night and our social lives, other than family and kid/school/sports activities are apart.
I tried to get her to church, she isn't super religious, but spiritual (good person).
I live in the suburbs on San Francisco and feel really lonely after coming home, working long hours, and feeling unwanted. I love the kids so much but my wife is constantly complaining about something I do wrong.
I am tired of working so hard to have no connection with my spouse. After 10 years, we rarely are intimate and she is happier at a cooking class or bike riding with the girls than going to a movie, dinner or working out with me.
I wonder if any FReepers have been through this, I pray a lot asking what I can do, but she is so negative and never smiles when I am home. It is really tough.
Any advice would be appreciated.
I hate to say this, but if you can, just have sex with her. It’s a little hard for me nowadays because I keep getting her pregnant.
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.”
Red Skelton
Wives can really undermine a marriage by complaining and criticizing. I always thought it was just a reflection of some underlying unhappiness, perhaps because hubby isn’t very attentive or caring .. at least not as much as in her dreams.
But it could just be an inherent part of femaleness?
Listen to any valid or even reasonable criticism and change accordingly. Try to keep a marriage going if there’s any reasonable chance it can be made to work out.
But tune out the excess carping. I remember my grandfather walking out on grandma’s screaming session one day. She kept right on screaming for an hour or two longer, not realizing her hubby had walked out the door. He came back after she quieted down. Things worked out ok for a few weeks, anyway, after that.
What more can I say? That’s already more than I really understand. Good luck with it!
Thanks for the great support. God Bless.
I don’t advise divorce. She would almost certainly get the children, at least most of the time (especially if you initiate the divorce), and you don’t want your kids influenced by a series of boyfriends and such.
My husband and I have been married 22 years now and we have certainly had rough patches. I’ve discovered that at least for us, if we just hang on and get through the rough patches, it does get better again.
If your wife is not very religious, perhaps a more secular approach to revitalizing your marriage might resonate with her. What about seeing a counselor? I make this suggestion with a HUGE caveat: I myself have seen several counselors over the last couple of decades, and what I discovered is that most of them aren’t worth the papers their degrees are printed on! BUT. If you can find a GOOD one, they’re worth gold. Out of all the ones I saw, two were excellent. I had to stop seeing the first one because my insurance wouldn’t pay and I couldn’t afford her, but she helped me out a lot in just a couple of months. The second one was SO excellent that he fixed my problem! No more counselors; I’m done now.
If you can find a really good couples counselor who tries to help couples stay together rather than just divorce, that might be helpful. If you don’t have a pastor or good friend or anyone who has an idea for a counselor to see, I suggest “Yelp.” (I really like Yelp these days; the reviews are brutally honest! LOL!) I just g88gled “yelp couples counseling san francisco” and got a whole bunch of recommendations, with in-depth reviews. Maybe one of those would work for you.
I commend you for trying to fix your problem before it gets worse. You’re a great guy to put your family first. Best of luck!!!
So, you get the worst of all worlds?
Rock, meet hard place.
What attracted you to each other?
You crack me up. Sorry for the weak post in the midst of the Commie Usurper, Saint Trayvon, Illegals Marching and Muslims setting up Sha’ria courts here...
I can only deal with the pain I feel inside. It is making me really feel down.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Qt_JoClwtA
We Hold On, by Rush
How many times
Do we tire of all the little battles
Threaten to call it quits
Tempted to cut and run
How many times
Do we weather out the stormy evenings
Long to slam the front door
Drive away into the setting sun
Keep going until dawn
How many times must another line be drawn
We could be down and gone
But we hold on
How many times
Do we chaff against the repetition
Straining against a fate
Measured out in coffee breaks
How many times
Do we swallow our ambition
Long to give up the same old way
Find another road to take
Keep holding on so long
‘Cause there’s a chance
that we might not be so wrong
We could be down and gone
But we hold on
How many times
Do we wonder if it’s even worth it
There’s got to be some other way
To get me through the day
But we hold on
May be too late at this point, but its worth a try.
Don't listen to typical politically correct "relationship advice".
Read: The Married Man Sex Life (Book)
I divorced the same woman twice, so who am I to give someone advice?
The blue pills keep you from screaming. LOL
Dude, I know all about it. My husband is always traveling for his job or when he's home he's stuck on his computer so it's just me and the kids. Both my husband and I live away from family and old friends so I all to well what it's like being lonely. But, I love my kids. I know this part of the marriage is hard so I stick it out. I don't hate my husband but it get ticked off that he takes me for granted.
“I’m a little overweight - 245 lbs and 6’4”
“working out with me”
“I hate being alone”
“I just feel trapped”
*****************************
Have you already decided you want out and are now looking for approval?
I know you wrote that your wife avoids Church, but try to get her to sit down and listen to this 7 part series on Marriage and Family (at least listen to the first part).
www.SermonAudio.com Marriage Series
I hope and pray that it can help.
I am sort of a visible person at my job and cannot vent to many people, especially family and the social circle (the men always tell their wives).
It sounds crazy, but I have considered just leaving for a while.
Sex, money, booze, its generally some manifestation of one of those three (or more).
Make sure you’re spending enough time with the kids and not dumping all the chores on your wife. If you own your home, make sure you’re taking care of all the minor repairs and upkeep. If you have the money to spare, suggest house cleaning services. 1 or 2 times a week depending upon your income.
Improve yourself in any way and all ways that you can even if just incrementally.
Meanwhile, start a rainy day fund for yourself and watch how she’s spending money. If you have credit card debt, get it taken care of. Even better to just cancel all credit cards out of general principle and keep a good balance in the checking so that you don’t regret canceling them.
Mrs. JohnnyP and I love old movies. When she thinks it’s time for me to stop Freeping, she puts on a Saint or Charlie Chan, etc, and turns the volume up so I can hear the RKO Morse Code and the opening music. Gets me every time. :)
I've been feeling that way for years but I won't turn my back on my kids. The alternative is just not worth it. I haven't had a night out in years. No joke. But I only have a few more years until my children are old enough then I'll get out more.
Family is not work.
I feel your pain, but family is not work.
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