Posted on 09/30/2013 2:37:16 AM PDT by Islander7
One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.
The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants had to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birth mark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intollerable. Achilles appears in the Iliad, by Homer. Homer also wrote the Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey.
Actually, Homer was not written by Homer, but by another man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advise. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
In the Olympic games, Granks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they faught with the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.
Eventually, the Romans conquered the Geeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets the guests wore garlics in their hair. Julius Caeser extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames. King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery. King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings. Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bernard Shaw, and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no true man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
The renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the Church door at Wittenberg for selling Papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important inventior was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumsised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted, "Hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies, and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince McBeth of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hole. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
During the Renaissance America began. Chritsopher Columbus was a real navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was known as Pilgrims Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without any stamps. During the way, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the war and no longer had to pay for taxis.
Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclomation, and the fourteenth amendment gave the ex-negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would rather torcher and lynch the ex-negroes and other innocent victims. It claimed it represented law and oder. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. This ruined Booth's career.
Meanwhile in Europe the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticable in the Autumn when the apples are falling off trees.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beetoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beetoven expired in 1827 and later died for this. France was in a very serious state. The French Revloution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems, and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear children.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is on the east and the sun sets in the west. Queen Victoria was the longest Queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign. The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormic invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote The Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
The First World War, caused by the assignation of the arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
Read any of Richard Armour’s works, especially “It All Started With Columbus”.
“Every morning the Puritans went out to the fields in their blunderbusses & sowed grain, fertilizing it with the bodies of the original inhabitants.”
;^)
My bad. Norm Crosby is still alive and kicking!
Read any of Richard Armour’s works, especially “It All Started With Columbus”.
...his takes on Shakespeare were remarkably funny...
A few years ago, Sean Hannity sent a reporter out into the streets of New York to ask passersby why we celebrate July 4. None of the respondents came even close to giving a correct answer. But what floored me was that the reporter herself didn’t know what we celebrate on July 4—if I remember correctly, she thought it was the end of WWII.
A story like this is compiled from little mistakes.
For example, when I was in 7th grade we had a quiz bowl kind of thing in history class on one of the days where a vacation was coming up and it didn’t make sense to start the next chapter. I quickly raised my hand when asked the names of one of the first people to walk on the moon. “Armstrong!” I shouted out when called on. The teacher asked for a first name and I couldn’t remember Neil so with all eyes on me and in the pressure of the moment I blurted out the first Armstrong I could think of. “Louie!”
Put a whole bunch of those incidents together and you get a story like this.
My husband is a pastor and some of the innocent bloopers are just funny. We have a devotion book that our synod puts out that is called “Portals of Prayer”, but one shut-in parishioner used to always ask him if he brought her a “Portable Prayers”. Another gal we know talked about the church she attends in town which is really called “Radiant Springs”. To Heidi, though, it was always Radiator Springs. Too much “Cars”, I think, but it was an innocent mistake from an innocent-minded person. The spell-check in our office must not have recognized the word Pilate because in the Apostles’ Creed there in the bulletin we learned that Jesus “suffered under Pontious Pilot”. And we thought the Wright brothers invented the airplane millenia later! At least it was phonetically correct; my sister was confirmed with a girl who always pronounced that name like ponteous pill-latey...
I’m glad there’s always something in life that we can laugh at (pardon the dangling participle there. My English teacher would hang me; he always said dangling participles are something up with which we should not put...)
bfl
Armour’s “Twisted Tales From Shakespeare” made the drowning of Hamlet’s sister Ophelia seem funny, especially the crosseyed cartoon of that tragic figure.
lol!
/mark
History isn’t taught well—that is all. Also—too much of our history is Propaganda with a leftist/White Guilt bend. More about the KKK than Thomas Alva Edison.
The author certainly has a way with words.
De-nial is a river that runs through Egypt.
and these things vote... RAT!!!
Gladly the constipated cross-eyed bear. Aka Gladly the consecrated cross I’d bear.
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