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***THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD***

Posted on 02/21/2014 4:48:45 AM PST by Lucky9teen

Teacher: "Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"

Little Johnny: "None."

Teacher: "Listen carefully: Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"

Little Johnny: "None."

Teacher: "Can you explain that answer?"

Little Johnny: "One is shot, the others fly away. There are none left."

Teacher: "Well, that isn't the correct answer, but I like the way you think."

Little Johnny: "Teacher, can I ask a question?"

Teacher: "Sure."

Little Johnny: "There are three women in the ice cream parlor. One is licking, one is biting and one is sucking her ice cream cone. Which one is married?"

Teacher: "The one sucking the cone."

Little Johnny: "No. The one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think."

 

 

This guy is a genius...

 

 

 


I had to cuss a kid out yesterday, but I did not want to violate my own "No Profanity Rule" so I said, "Shut the fudge up, you little astronaut! You son of a batch of cookies! What the helicopters are you doing?"

 

 

 

What happens when you don't know your fruit...

 

 

As a trucker stops at a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde's car. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's Winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost… It’s a man thing.


A man received the following text from his neighbor:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night, when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

Bob, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn Autocorrect...I meant "WiFi", not "Wife".

I wish you would be my emergency contact person one day.

I’m celebrating no need to celebrate Valentine’s Day.

Congratulations! You are my first repetitive Valentine.

I suspect you was cheating, your gift for me was too amazing.

I want to say thank you for the flowers I’m going to send to myself and pretend are from you.

 

How to catch a rat


TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS: friday; ofst; silliness
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1 posted on 02/21/2014 4:48:45 AM PST by Lucky9teen
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To: Lucky9teen

Woohoo!!!! I’m in!!!!


2 posted on 02/21/2014 4:49:05 AM PST by ShadowAce (Linux -- The Ultimate Windows Service Pack)
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To: 2111USMC; 21stCenturion; 2ndDivisionVet; 3AngelaD; 4mycountry; 5Madman2; 66-442hot; 6amgelsmama; ...






CLICK HERE TO BE INCLUDED OR TAKEN OFF THE LIST


3 posted on 02/21/2014 4:51:18 AM PST by Lucky9teen (No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ~ Albert Einstein)
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To: Lucky9teen

Top 5


4 posted on 02/21/2014 4:55:20 AM PST by Dacula
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To: Dacula

TOP 10
woot woot


5 posted on 02/21/2014 4:57:19 AM PST by Yorlik803 ( Church/Caboose in 2016)
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To: Lucky9teen

6 posted on 02/21/2014 5:02:58 AM PST by ShadowAce (Linux -- The Ultimate Windows Service Pack)
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To: Lucky9teen

bump for later


7 posted on 02/21/2014 5:04:51 AM PST by Yo-Yo (Is the /sarc tag really necessary?)
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To: Yorlik803

My first tep ton! (I’ll get better)


8 posted on 02/21/2014 5:05:05 AM PST by Pharmboy (Democrats lie because they must.)
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To: Lucky9teen
TOP TWENTY!
9 posted on 02/21/2014 5:13:27 AM PST by Rummyfan (Iraq: it's not about Iraq anymore, it's about the USA!)
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To: Lucky9teen

I’m in !!!


10 posted on 02/21/2014 5:14:51 AM PST by maine yankee (I got my Governor at 'Marden's')
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To: Lucky9teen

The Gospel according to Titleist:
1. Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk.

~ Grantland Rice

2. Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.
~ John Updike

3. It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf.
~ Robert Lynd

4. If profanity had any influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is.
~ Horace G. Hutchinson

5. They say golf is like life, but don’t believe them. Golf is more complicated than that.
~ Gardner Dickinson

6. If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork as poorly as they do a golf club, they’d starve to death.
~ Sam Snead

7. Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.
~ William Wordsworth

8. If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt.
~ Dean Martin

9. If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don’t have to waste energy going back to pick it up.
~ Tommy Bolt

10. Man blames fate for all other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole-in-one.
~ Bishop Sheen

11. I don’t say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.
~ Arnold Palmer

12. My handicap? Woods and irons.
~ Chris Codiroli

13. The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top.
~ Pete Dye

14. I’m hitting the woods just great, but having a terrible time getting out of them!
~ Buddy Hackett

15. The only time my prayers are never answered is playing golf.
~ Billy Graham

16. If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
~ Jack Lemmon

17. It’s good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
~ Mark Twain

18. Don’t play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.
~ Harry Vardon

19. Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at either of them.
~ Jimmy DeMaret

20. May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters.
~ Ben Hogan

21. If I hit it right, it’s a slice. If I hit it left, it’s a hook. If I hit it straight, it’s a miracle.
~ All Us Hackers

22. The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can’t improve your lie.
~ George Deukmejian

AND FINALLY...............

23. Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.
~ Lee Trevino


11 posted on 02/21/2014 5:15:00 AM PST by Rummyfan (Iraq: it's not about Iraq anymore, it's about the USA!)
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To: Lucky9teen

Good stuff; thanks!


12 posted on 02/21/2014 5:17:32 AM PST by Montana_Sam (Truth lives.)
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To: Lucky9teen

bookmarked...


13 posted on 02/21/2014 5:18:07 AM PST by babygene ( .)
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To: Lucky9teen

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.

Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a ‘mail order’ bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.

Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.

Tom proudly said, ‘She’ll be twenty-one in November.’

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year- old man.

Wanting his old friend’s remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.

‘How’s the new wife?’, asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, ‘Good - she’s pregnant.’

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, ‘And how’s the hired hand?’

Without hesitating, Tom said, ‘She’s pregnant too.’

Don’t ever underestimate old guys.


14 posted on 02/21/2014 5:21:10 AM PST by Arrowhead1952 (The Second Amendment is NOT about the right to hunt. It IS a right to shoot tyrants.)
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To: All

Seniors.

Hints on how to liven up your idle hours...

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars...watch ‘em Slow Down!

2. On all your check stubs, write ‘For Marijuana’!

3. Skip down the street Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

4. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

5. Sing Along At The Opera.

6. When The Money Comes Out of The ATM, Scream ‘I Won! I Won!’

7. When Leaving the Zoo, start Running towards the Car Park, Yelling ‘Run For Your Lives! They’re Loose!’

8. Tell Your Children over dinner: ‘Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go...

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity:

9. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile. It’s called ‘therapy’!


15 posted on 02/21/2014 5:24:46 AM PST by Arrowhead1952 (The Second Amendment is NOT about the right to hunt. It IS a right to shoot tyrants.)
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To: ShadowAce

Wow... so that’s what they look like, whole!

I fractured mine in August.... talk about PAIN...I am SUCH a wimp! I wanted to die.


16 posted on 02/21/2014 5:36:43 AM PST by SMARTY ("When you blame others, you give up your power to change." Robert Anthony)
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To: Arrowhead1952

Yay, top 20.

But I didn’t refresh yet, so we will see.


17 posted on 02/21/2014 5:38:00 AM PST by EQAndyBuzz (Insurgent Conservative)
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To: Arrowhead1952

Here!


18 posted on 02/21/2014 5:39:08 AM PST by DooDahhhh
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To: Lucky9teen

Top 20?


19 posted on 02/21/2014 5:46:51 AM PST by JRios1968 (I'm guttery and trashy, with a hint of lemon. - Laz)
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To: Lucky9teen
How did this happen?

 photo zram.jpg  photo zshark.jpg  photo zstove.jpg  photo zstuck.jpg

20 posted on 02/21/2014 5:50:50 AM PST by Clay Moore ("To learn who rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticize." ~Voltaire)
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To: Lucky9teen
The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
How to tell if your dog is involved with in a sex scandal:



If only:

Who knew bald eagles could talk?






21 posted on 02/21/2014 5:53:02 AM PST by upchuck (South Carolina Representative Trey Gowdy for Speaker of the House!!!)
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To: Lucky9teen

how in the heck they do that? b/c they could?


22 posted on 02/21/2014 5:56:37 AM PST by skinkinthegrass (The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun..0'Caligula / 0'Reid / 0'Pelosi)
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To: Lucky9teen

BTW, that’s a mouse, not a rat.


23 posted on 02/21/2014 5:57:51 AM PST by DonkeyBonker (Hard to paddle against the flow of sewage coming out of the White House.)
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To: DonkeyBonker

A very pretty blonde is going through a midlife crisis and wants to do something different with her life. So she goes through the million things a person with a midlife risk goes through and decides on ice fishing.

She goes to the sporting goods store, purchases the pole, tip ups, gas powered auger, a boom on ice fishing(pictures included) various flies and nymphs(that confused her, but that is for another day) and off to the ice she goes.

She unpacks everything, gets out the auger and before she has a chance to cut a hole she hears, “There’s no fish under the ice!” looking around and seeing no one, she returns to the task at hand. Again she hears, “There’s no fish under the ice!” Now she is totally confused. Thinking that maybe it is the word of God, she moves her gear a few feet, picks up the auger and before she has the chance to cut a hole she once again hears, “There’s no fish under the ice!”

So she looks up and shouts, “God is that you?” “No, it’s the rink manager and there is no fish under the ice!”


24 posted on 02/21/2014 6:23:59 AM PST by EQAndyBuzz (Insurgent Conservative)
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To: Clay Moore

I can answer you on three of those, the fourth I can tell you root cause but not how.


25 posted on 02/21/2014 6:27:12 AM PST by Harmless Teddy Bear (Proud Infidel, Gun Nut, Religious Fanatic and Freedom Fiend)
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To: EQAndyBuzz

26 posted on 02/21/2014 6:29:28 AM PST by BenLurkin (This is not a statement of fact. It is either opinion or satire; or both.)
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To: Lucky9teen

27 posted on 02/21/2014 6:32:46 AM PST by BenLurkin (This is not a statement of fact. It is either opinion or satire; or both.)
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28 posted on 02/21/2014 6:33:54 AM PST by BenLurkin (This is not a statement of fact. It is either opinion or satire; or both.)
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To: ShadowAce

Lord of the Rings - We will rock you http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nEM-Pewisqg


29 posted on 02/21/2014 6:36:55 AM PST by BenLurkin (This is not a statement of fact. It is either opinion or satire; or both.)
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To: Clay Moore

After the names of your photo files were “zram”, “zshark”, and “zstove”, I was sure the last one would be “ziodiot”! ;-P


30 posted on 02/21/2014 6:39:20 AM PST by MortMan (Is a delayed shower a "stay of exablution"?)
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To: Clay Moore

The original Range Rover?

Cheers,
Jim


31 posted on 02/21/2014 6:39:37 AM PST by gymbeau (Tagline under review)
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To: Arrowhead1952

MISTY MOUNTAINS RAP http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bihm6g8EfW0


32 posted on 02/21/2014 6:40:58 AM PST by BenLurkin (This is not a statement of fact. It is either opinion or satire; or both.)
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To: EQAndyBuzz

33 posted on 02/21/2014 6:42:18 AM PST by BenLurkin (This is not a statement of fact. It is either opinion or satire; or both.)
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To: Arrowhead1952

34 posted on 02/21/2014 6:45:13 AM PST by BenLurkin (This is not a statement of fact. It is either opinion or satire; or both.)
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35 posted on 02/21/2014 6:47:38 AM PST by BenLurkin (This is not a statement of fact. It is either opinion or satire; or both.)
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To: JRios1968

36 posted on 02/21/2014 6:48:22 AM PST by BenLurkin (This is not a statement of fact. It is either opinion or satire; or both.)
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To: Lucky9teen
Little Johnny: "No. The one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think."

 

UH-OH. Now you've done it. You've got me started on Little Johhny jokes.

 

The teacher told the class that today they’d be guessing objects from physical description. She said, "I will hold an object under my desk and physically describe it to you, and then class, you have to tell me what you think it is I have under my desk." First the teacher said, "I have something long and yellow, what is it?" Sally raises her hand and the teacher calls on her, "What do you think it is Sally?" "It’s a banana", replied Sally. "No, it’s a pencil" said the teacher, "But I like the way you think." Next the teacher said, "I’m holding something round and red, what is it?" Billy raises his hand and the teacher calls on him, "What do you think it is Billy?" "It’s a tomato" says Billy. "No, it’s an apple" says the teacher, "but I like the way you think." Little Johnny raises his hand so the teacher calls on him and says, "Yes Little Johnny." "Well Ms. Smith, I have one for you" says Little Johnny. "Okay says the teacher." "What’s round, hard, and has a head?" replied Little Johnny. "Oh no, Little Johnny that is not appropriate for school at all." says the teacher. "It’s a quarter" says Little Johnny, "but I like the way you think."

One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now
class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of
fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about."

"Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red."

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely,
ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple."

"No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now, for the
second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."

Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get
the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on
Billy.

"Is it a peach?"
"No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like you're
thinking. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."

By now, Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand
frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally.
"A banana," she says.

"No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your
thinking."

Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey,
I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket.
Okay, I've got it: it's about 8 inches long, hard, and
it's got a little pink head on it."

"Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!"

"Nope," answers Johnny, "its a pencil, but I like your
thinking!"

 

37 posted on 02/21/2014 6:55:18 AM PST by Responsibility2nd (NO LIBS. This Means Liberals and (L)libertarians! Same Thing. NO LIBS!!)
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To: BenLurkin
Brian Williams Raps "Rappers Delight"
38 posted on 02/21/2014 7:23:49 AM PST by Lucky9teen (No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ~ Albert Einstein)
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To: Rummyfan
23. Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe. ~ Lee Trevino

LOL. I resemble that remark!

39 posted on 02/21/2014 7:31:36 AM PST by zeugma (Is it evil of me to teach my bird to say "here kitty, kitty"?)
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To: Responsibility2nd
Funny Family Feud Segment
40 posted on 02/21/2014 7:32:28 AM PST by Lucky9teen (No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ~ Albert Einstein)
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To: Rummyfan

(Chuckle)


41 posted on 02/21/2014 7:38:13 AM PST by JimRed (Excise the cancer before it kills us; feed & water the Tree of Liberty! TERM LIMITS NOW & FOREVER!)
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To: Lucky9teen

That is really good!


42 posted on 02/21/2014 7:38:52 AM PST by BenLurkin (This is not a statement of fact. It is either opinion or satire; or both.)
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To: Lucky9teen
 photo 4ea_zpsa917dde6.gif

 photo 1497527_633826469985913_764200504_n_zps2627d66a.jpg

 photo f2c_zps476decae.gif

 photo 1513699_878048038891317_1956907830_n_zpsa3486234.jpg

43 posted on 02/21/2014 7:41:40 AM PST by dragonblustar (Psalm 37:7)
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To: zeugma
Close Calls (youch)
44 posted on 02/21/2014 7:46:55 AM PST by Lucky9teen (No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ~ Albert Einstein)
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To: Responsibility2nd

The teacher was teaching the uses of gardening implements to her class. “Susie, what is this?” “That’s a spade, teacher” came the answer. “What is this, Freddie?” “It’s a plow, teacher.” “Johnny, what is this?” “I don’t know, teacher; what is it?” Johnny replied.

“Johnny”, she said, “this is a hoe. Johnny, why are you shaking your head no?”

“That’s no hoe, teacher. My siter’s a ho and she don’t look nothin’ like dat!”


45 posted on 02/21/2014 7:57:44 AM PST by JimRed (Excise the cancer before it kills us; feed & water the Tree of Liberty! TERM LIMITS NOW & FOREVER!)
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To: Lucky9teen

A man received the following text message from his neighbor:

I am so sorry Bob. I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you’re not around. In fact, more than you. I’m not getting any at home, but that’s no excuse.
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won’t happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn auto-correct. I meant “wifi”, not “wife”.


46 posted on 02/21/2014 8:17:08 AM PST by relentlessly
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To: Lucky9teen

Got my Obama Care Packet today.....

I wanted to let you know that earlier today I received my “Obamacare enrollment packet” from the White House.

It contained:
· An aspirin and a band-aid.
· An ‘Obama Hope & Change’ bumper sticker
· A ‘Bush’s Fault’ yard sign
· A ‘Blame Republicans first, then anybody and everybody’ poster
· A ‘Tax the Rich’ banner
· An application for unemployment and a free cellphone
· An application for food stamps
· A prayer rug
· A letter assigning my debt to my grandchildren

And lastly, a coupon for a machine that blows smoke up my butt.

Everything was made in “China” and all directions were in Spanish.

Keep an eye out. Yours should be arriving soon.


47 posted on 02/21/2014 8:18:02 AM PST by relentlessly
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To: Lucky9teen

High five....


48 posted on 02/21/2014 8:20:09 AM PST by relentlessly
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To: BenLurkin

Years ago, early 70’s, I introduced a coworker to the “Lord Of The Rings”. He got so wrapped up in the story 40 years later he is still known as Frodo. Took to many shots to the head in Golden Gloves.


49 posted on 02/21/2014 8:41:38 AM PST by Little Bill
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To: Lucky9teen

OMG. I think the moral of that bunch of clips is that it pays to be aware of your surroundings. Also, that your life is really not in your own hands.


50 posted on 02/21/2014 8:47:21 AM PST by zeugma (Is it evil of me to teach my bird to say "here kitty, kitty"?)
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