Jay Carney Resigns To Pursue Other Interests [satire]

5-7-14 | Retired Texas Vet

[RetiredTexasVet]

White House spokesman Jay Carney submitted his resignation today. Jay stated that after years in the stressful position of White House spokesman he wanted to be able to spend more time with his family and pursue other more profitable interests in Chicago.

The White House Press Corps stated that they would miss having Jay to kick around. Many press corps members said they hadn't had so much fun since Baghdad Bob Gibbs was the White House paid liar. Many insinuated that Jay had become the best paid liar ever although his anger issues distracted from his overall effectiveness massaging and distorting the truth.

Jay will be joining Baghdad Bob Gibbs in Chicago performing public relations for the Sinaloa Multinational Cartel. Sinaloa is a diverse multinational firm specializing in distribution, security, lobbying, public services management, and other contractual type services for the public and private sectors. Positive image building for Sinaloa will be Jay's first assignment.

Jay brings with him the ability to lie with a straight face, the hope and change attitude, and the ever necessary "never let a crisis go to waste" mentality. Jay will be working hand-in-hand with old co-worker Rahm Emanuel and other Chicago public and private elite to remake the Chicago and Sinaloa partnership image.

[Dick Bachert]

Carney is moving on to a vocation better suited to his talent and one in which his family has deep roots: Carney barker.

[Some Fat Guy in L.A.]

Carney’s soul is so tainted that satan will open up a hole and take him directly to hell when he is no longer needed to lie for Ohomo.