Posted on 01/29/2016 4:54:23 AM PST by Lucky9teen
A famous world statesman wanted to be remembered so he commissioned a special postage stamp which was to carry his picture. He instructed his people to design it, stressing that it should be of international quality.
The stamps were duly released and he was delighted. However, within a few days of release of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and this made him very annoyed.
He 'phoned the stamp makers and ordered them to investigate the matter. They checked out the problem by visiting several post offices, and then they reported back to the politician.
Their report said, 'There is nothing wrong with the quality of the stamp. The problem is people are spitting on the wrong side.'
Two political candidates were having a heated political debate.
Finally, one of them jumped up and yelled at the other, 'What about the powerful interest that controls you?'
The other guy yelled back, 'You leave my wife out of this.'
Ben of Ben & Jerry's is coming out with an ice cream for Bernie Sanders called "Bernie's Yearning". It's selling a lot better than Jerry's ice cream for Hillary, "Pantsuit Email Crunch". ~ O'Brien
An analyst for Time magazine says the key to the survival of the Republican Party is bringing in young women. When told this, Bill Clinton said, "Hey man, that's the key to every party." ~ O'Brien
Last night CNN hosted a Democratic forum where Hillary Clinton said that if she's elected she wants to work together with Republicans and even said she'd give them all bear hugs. By bear hugs she means like the ones you saw in "The Revenant." ~ Fallon
Jeb Bush was talking about the Obamas yesterday and mispronounced their daughter Malia's name, and it sounded like he said "Malala." Then his brother George was like, "Heh - looks like the student has become the mustard!" ~ Fallon
Sanders is leading Hillary Clinton in New Hampshire by 27 points. Bernie is very well liked among Democratic voters. Among those likely to vote in the primary, his favorability rating is 91 percent - that is incredibly high. As are many of his supporters. ~ Kimmel
Hillary Clinton said yesterday that she feels great about her chances to be the Democratic nominee and Bill Clinton said, "Hillary, it's 3:30 in the morning. Go back to sleep." ~ Meyers
Sage advice...
Kind of a pepper-upper to start the day...
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”
2. My mother taught me RELIGION .
“You better pray that this will come out of the carpet.”
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
4. My mother taught me LOGIC ..
“Because I said so, that’s why.”
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
“Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA
“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER .
“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
“Stop acting like your father!”
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t
have wonderful parents like you do.”
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
“Just wait until we get home.”
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
“You are going to get it when you get home!”
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”
19. My mother taught me ESP ..
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”
20. My mother taught me HUMOR ..
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don�t come running to me.”
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
“You’re just like your father.”
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you “
Y'know, I just can't watch Fox News any more.
She said, "Les' see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy, they're thirty-two. And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're twenty-six. And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're twenty-four."
"Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get twins EVERY time?"
The woman answered, "Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn't get nothin."
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach, "now go over there and explain that to your mother."
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.
Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the round.
Next Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 10 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golfs left handed, and wins the round.
This continues for the next few weeks, with Geoge always saying that he may be 10 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed. The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was. They said, "George, every Saturday you say you may be ten minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?"
George replies, "Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed."
"Well," one of the employees questioned, "What happens if she is laying on her back?"
George replies, "Then I am 10 minutes late."
The judge asks the baby bear, "Do you want to live with papa bear?" The baby bear replied, "No he beats me."
The judge asked, so do you want to live with mommy bear! The baby bear said, "No she beats me too."
The judge asked, "Then whom do you want to live with?" The baby bear says, "The Chicago bears, they don't beat anyone!"
Thanks for the chuckles!
Top 10...or thereabouts.
Checking in and top 10
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, Ma’am, but your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.â€
The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?â€
“Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,†replied the vet.
“How can you be so sure?†she protested. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.â€
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.â€
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$550!†she cried, “$550 just to tell me my duck is dead!â€
The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $50, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $550
I self-identify as being in the top 10.
Top 20. Woohoo!
Thank Goodness for Funnies. Checking in to ease the boredom.
It may sound cool, but sitting in a dyno room staring at a monitor, looking out at an LS7, waiting for a turbo to melt is boooooooring.
I swear this thing is defying the laws of physics.
What are we all doing this morning?
Good Morning!
:-)
Happy Frigday!! Top 20!!!
Teacher: “Kids, what does the chicken give you?”
Student: “Meat!”
Teacher: “Very good! Now what does the pig give you?”
Student: “Bacon!”
Teacher: “Great! And what does the fat cow give you?”
Student: “Homework!”
A child asked his father, “How were people born?” So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.” The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.” The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!” His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.” The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.” The Chicago contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.” The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?” The Chicago contractor whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.” “Done!” replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.
A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it’s still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, “Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn’t five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!” The doctor says, “I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages.” “Nah,” she says, “that’s okay. We’re never going back to that restaurant anyway.”
HAPPY FRIDAY!!
HAPPY FRIDAY!!
You can say that again.
I see you go to up to 11
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