Posted on 10/05/2017 11:43:45 AM PDT by rey
“Staying alive” is probably my favorite hobby. It’s fun and exciting and exhilarating, and it literally keeps my heart rate up. And as a black man in America, a great and efficient way of finding time and space to partake in my favorite pastime is by avoiding unnecessary interactions with raccoons, undercooked chickens, sh**** barbers, Ray Lewis and racist white people.
Unfortunately, it can sometimes be hard to distinguish regular ol’ white people from racists—especially when the racists leave their “MAGA” hats at home—so I have to take the information I’ve learned over three decades of interactions with them and profile the f*** out of them. Sometimes my stereotypes are wrong, sometimes they’re right, but as long as I can keep playing my favorite hobby, I don’t give a s***!
Anyway, there are actually quite a few seemingly race-neutral behaviors white people do that give me pause—items they might possess or things they might do that make me think, “Yeah, he might be a racist, so I’m just gonna assume he’s probably a racist. Because hobbies.” Below are my 10 favorites.
We discussed this already last month, but the number of American flags within a white person’s vicinity has a direct correlation to the number of times they’ve referred to Hardee’s as “n***** Burger King.”
2. Drives a Pickup Truck
Ironically, I love pickup trucks. I have daydreams about driving cross-country to Arizona with nothing but a Ford F-150, a pack of sandwiches and a faithful dog named Gander. With Gander by my side, we’d get into adventures, solve mysteries and drink whiskey with women named after geographical locations. I haven’t told my wife about this fantasy yet, but she might read this eventually. So, um, surprise!
3. Wears Any Sort of Camo
I don’t know why (some) white people are so obsessed with camouflage. They still make up, like, 70 percent of the country. If they want to blend in so badly, they can just name themselves “Mike” and just ... get a job somewhere.
4. Loves Dogs
Look, I know dog lovers are generally good people, and usually better people than cat people. But if I check your Facebook or Twitter profile and your avatar is a dog, I’m, like, 60 percent certain you’ve trained that dog to bite darkies.
5. Loves Sports but Hates the NBA
I’m not saying that everyone who hates the NBA is racist. But every racist definitely, absolutely hates the NBA.
6. Hunts
YOU’RE NOT FOOLING ME, JAKE; I KNOW YOU’RE OUT THERE “HUNTING” POSSUM, BUT YOU’RE REALLY PRACTICING FOR A RACE WAR.
7. Regularly Eats at Cracker Barrel
Irony strikes again, because the food—particularly the breakfast food—at Cracker Barrel is f****** awesome. I’d eat there every day if I had a way to burn off the 17,000 calories I’d gain doing it. Unfortunately, when I’m there, every white person in there automatically becomes Jeff Sessions in my head. Which is why I take my food to go.
8. Watches Sons of Anarchy
I’ve never seen a minute of that show, but I do see a lot of white men and women getting out of pickups to go eat at Cracker Barrel while wearing Sons of Anarchy shirts, which makes it racist by association.
9. Lives Somewhere With No Immediate Neighbors
This factoid is proof that Get Out was definitely fiction. Ain’t no n**** on earth spending a weekend alone with neighborless white people.
10. Has a Strong-as-F*** Regional Accent
Doesn’t matter where you’re from: Boston, Alabama, Indiana—wherever. If you’re white and you don’t enunciate consonants, I’m keeping my eyes on you and your damn dog.
1) The people who complain the most bitterly and vocally about racism are probably the most racist people you will ever meet in your life
ROFLOL!!!
This is by definition a racist article. What a fool.
My black boss at work drives a fully loaded king cab Ford F-150.
That was a good read. Every one cracked me up. It was like Chris Rock’s “How not to get your a$$ kicked by the police” video.
The poor racist bassturd would be much better off if he’d just pack up and move his black azz to Zimbabwe where he’d be “superior” to the white folks.
I mean, c’mon. 7 and 8 are comedy gold! :-D
Well, I come from a camo-wearing, dog-loving, bear-hunting family that lives in the wilderness and has their own water supply, so... he should stay away from me. I’m sure I’m not self-hating enough to meet with his approval.
I know how to tell if black people are racist. I can tell by their neighbors, their pets, their clothing and their car. Whether or not they fly the flag, don’t like B Ball, hunts, talks with a weird accent or indescribable language like wherbe webe gobabibbin, webe gobin fibishibin... instead of,
where are we going, are we going fishing?
I thought maybe this was satire until I read the comments.
...number of times they’ve referred to Hardee’s as “n***** Burger King.”
I have never even heard the phrase. Hardees is a step up from BK, IMO.
I don’t know why (some) white people are so obsessed with camouflage.
= = =
Well, the answer is simple:
Colored folk already have built-in night time camo.
Are you and I the only ones who get this one? I would not be surprised if this was written by a Alan West using a pen name. The author is intentionally making himself a caricature of a racist black for comedy and doing a brilliant job.
Our son in law loves it out here in the country.
lol this is funny, gotta think its at least part sarcasm.
5. Loves Sports but Hates the NBA
I’m not saying that everyone who hates the NBA is racist. But every racist definitely, absolutely hates the NBA.
” I’ve learned over three decades of interactions with them”
Thank God it didn’t take me over 30 years to figure out the opposite . . .
The funny thing is, more and more Euro players are on NBA rosters.
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