Posted on 09/27/2019 8:50:17 PM PDT by EdnaMode
Mattel announced an exciting new line of gender-neutral dolls recently, causing progressives to praise the company and conservatives to foam at the mouth and demand a safe space.
But there's one feature of the dolls that hasn't yet been discussed: according to a Mattel insider, the dolls will emit a powerful blast of pepper spray and alert authorities if your child refers to the doll with the wrong pronoun.
An early, limited-release of the doll has already employed this feature several dozen times. Cleveland five-year-old Maddy Paulson excitedly picked up her doll and said, "This girl is so pretty. I want to play with her!"
Immediately, the doll's eyes turned red and its head swiveled slowly toward Paulson's face. "DID YOU SAY 'HER'?"
Paulson shrugged. "Yes, you are a girl and you say 'her' for girls."
"WRONG PRONOUN DETECTED. DEPLOYING COUNTERMEASURES." A pepper spray nozzle emerged from the doll's forehead and hit the girl with a several-second-long blast. "REMAIN WHERE YOU ARE, BIGOT. POLICE ARE ON THE WAY."
As the girl screamed in pain and rolled around on the floor, the doll utilized its built-in miniature projector to display a presentation on the girl's bedroom wall, explaining how misgendering, deadnaming, and using the wrong pronoun are hateful and hurtful.
"It hurts, waaaaa!!!" she screamed.
"PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO THIS LESSON ON TOLERANCE," the doll droned on, threatening to use its electric shock functionality should the girl not comply. "RESISTANCE IS FUTILE."
HAHAHA!
Love the BB.
LOL Yup- As soon as i saw “Emit blast of pepper spray’ i knew it had to be a BB article lol
Fixed it!
Regards,
Still the best satire on the web. Probably anywhere.
"WRONG PRONOUN DETECTED. DEPLOYING COUNTERMEASURES." A pepper spray nozzle emerged from the doll's forehead and hit the girl with a several-second-long blast. "REMAIN WHERE YOU ARE, BIGOT. POLICE ARE ON THE WAY."
The Bee is a beautiful thing.
Very funny. To they yell out “Warning, warning, trigger alert, warning...”
That idiot is lucky I wasn’t there to laugh in his face when he pulled his lunatic’s tantrum.
And the girl was sentenced to 500 hours of community service at the local library participating in those Tranny Reading Hour horror shows.
No sane person will buy these for their kids.
the babylon bee is just annoying on here when you’re trying to figure out what the stupid thread title is saying and if it’s real or not
They are not real. This is the Babylon Bee.
LOL. The Ed-209 of the toy world. “Correct your pronoun usage immediately. You have 10 seconds to comply”
What kept everyone from laughing, I think, is that this was obviously a large dude with mental problems.
They are real, just don't have pepper spray feature yet.
Maybe they can make a cross between Barbie, Mr. Potato Head with all of the removal parts and the game “Operation”?
“For 1000 points, remove the penis without setting off the alarm!”
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