Freeper's Favorite Jokes!

I thought since the war was going on and the seriousness of it all frustrates everyone (I have had to take a break from talking heads myself. One more and I'll scream. On the same note: does Shep on Fox ever sleep? I went to sleep on Thursday night and there he was and woke up at 11:00 or so and he was there all day till that night and I went to sleep then!)so I am calling for the best jokes from Freepers once again. My last thread as such was back while Clintoon was still running rampant 3/16/2000 and can be looked up here:

So lets have at it FReepers! Here are some ice breakers. The first 3 are 3 faves from the last thread and then the last two are from George Jessel, the toastmaster general, and George Burns respectively.

Bill Clinton woke one morning in the White House after a fresh snowfall. Looking out the window he saw that someone had peed in the snow writing..."Bill Clinton Sucks". Bill agrily called in the SS and told them he wanted to know who the culprit was. A few hours later the Agent returned and said.... "Sir, I have good news and bad news." "Well," shouted Bill, "What is it?" The agent relied, "Well, the good news is that the urine is Al Gores." After a short hesitation the agent continues "Sir the bad news is that the handwriting is.......Hillary's".

********************************************************* Clinton returns from a vacation in Arkansas and walks down the steps of Air Force One with two pigs under his arms. At the bottom of the steps, the honor guardsman steps forward and remarks, "Nice pigs, Mr. President" Clinton replies, "I'll have to let you know that these are genuine Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got this one for Chelsea and this one for Hillary.. So, now what do you think?" The honor guardsman answers: "Nice trade, Sir."

One day, a man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some jerk out there wants to buy only half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?" "Minnesota, sir," the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave Minnesota," the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but Ugly Women and hockey players up there." "Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Minnesota!" The boy replied, "No kidding? What team did she play for?"

A student nurse who was not yet familiar with all the hospital slang was unaware that the euphemism in her hospital for "bedpan" was "vase". You can imagine the uproar she caused when one of her patients asked her to bring him a vase in a hurry and she replied, "Sure, if you'll just tell me how big your bouquet is."

In one of my films they had a young bit player who was very pretty, but a terrible actress. However, she was very ambitious and decided that if she got some experience in the theater, it would help her career. Fortunately, she had a wealthy boyfriend who backed a road company of The Diary of Anne Frank just so she could play the leading role -- Anne Frank. Before the opening in Cleveland, Ohio, they had three weeks of intensive rehearsals, and every day was more and more frustrating for the director. The actress was impossible. She couldn't remember her lines, her delivery was amateurish, and the more she rehearsed, the worse she got. The director was ready to quit the show, but she told him she was a poor rehearser. "Believe me," she assured him, "when I face that opening-night audience, it'll all come together."

She invited me to the opening night, but I was not all that anxious to see her perform, and I had even less desire to be in Cleveland in February. A friend of hers and mine did go, and later he told me what I'd missed.

When the curtain went up she blew her opening lines, and her performance went downhill from then on. By the intermission the audience was totally fed up with her. Then, in the first scene in the second act, when the Nazi soldiers broken into the home, overturning furniture and shouting, "Where is she? Where's Anne Frank?!" the whole audience yelled back, "She's in the attic!"

From a Marine in Bosnia

A funny thing happened to me yesterday at Camp
Bondsteel (Bosnia): A French army officer walked up to
me in the PX, and told me he thought we (Americans)
were a bunch of cowboys and were going to provoke a
war. He said if such a thing happens, we wouldn't be
able to count on the support of France.

I told him that it didn't surprise me. Since we had
come to France's rescue in World War I, World War II,
Vietnam, and the Cold War, their ingratitude and
jealousy was due to surface at some point in the near
future anyway. That is why France is a third-rate
military power with a socialist economy and a bunch of
faggots for soldiers.

I additionally told him that America, being a nation
of deeds and action, not words, would do whatever it
had to do, and France's support was only for show
anyway. Just like in ALL NATO exercises, the US would
shoulder 85% of the burden, as evidenced by the fact
that the French officer was shopping in the American
PX, and not the other way around.

He began to get belligerent at that point, and I told
him if he would like to, I would meet him outside in
front of the Burger King and beat his ass in front of
the entire Multi-National Brigade East, thus
demonstrating that even the smallest American had more
fight in him than the average Frenchman.

He called me a barbarian cowboy and walked away in a
huff. With friends like these, who needs enemies?

Mary Beth Johnson
LtCol, USM

To: TECH SUPPORT

Subject PROBLEMS WITH UPGRADE

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialisation, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favourite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me, please?!?

Thanks, Joe

From: TECH SUPPORT

To: JOE

Dear Joe:

This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.

Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support." I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE.

In any case, avoid excessive use of the Esc key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck.

Tech Support.

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and he said unto the Chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

RICHARD NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"

SIGMUND FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released the Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook.

OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

CHARLES DARWIN: Chickens, over a great period of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road and that was good enough for us.

NICCOLO MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends on your frame of reference.

BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road; it transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a
felony trial - it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the
description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?

A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called
offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have
a locker room in the police station - a room where you change
your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?

A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?

A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?

A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with
your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a
room you share with those same officers?

A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and
sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

* The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
* If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
* Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
* Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullstuff before.
* Psychiatrists say that one of four people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it.
* Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
* A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
* It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
* Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
* If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
* The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
* Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
* The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
* Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid, too.
* A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.
* Clothes make the man.... Naked people have little or no influence on society.
* Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
* Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed

Woman - a chemical analysis

ELEMENT: Woman
SYMBOL: Wo
DISCOVERER: Adam
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted at 53.6 kg, but also known to vary from 40 - 200 kg.
OCCURANCES: Copious quantities in all urban areas

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Surface usually covered in painted film.
2. Boils at nothing; freezes without known reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields if pressure applied in correct places.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, and a range of precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly by saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

COMMON USES:
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent.

TESTS:
1. Pure specimen turns pink when discovered in the natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

HAZARDS:
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to posses more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other.

Ah, yes, divorce......., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet... Robin Williams

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the
only time of the month that I can be myself... Roseanne

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place...Billy Crystal

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a
look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of
that!"...Sean Connery

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other
women. They say that women are too judgmental, whereas, of course, men
are
just grateful... Robert De Niro

I am not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it. I don't
know when I lost it. I don't think I ever had it. But I've seen the
boss's job and I don't want it...Bill Cosby

In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is
that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention
to women's breasts?...Hugh Grant

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front
lines. They don't know if we can fight or if we can kill. I think we
can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say,
"You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those
uniforms."...Elayne Boosler

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are
having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe
swelling. So what's the problem?...Dustin Hoffman

When the sun comes up, I have morals again....Elizabeth Taylor

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think
there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men
think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."...Jerry
Seinfield

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten....George Clooney

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't
like and just give her a house...Rod Stewart

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable
job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the
end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house...Jeff Bridges

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, but only
enough blood to run one at a time...Robin Williams

One thing that has always bugged me--and I'm sure it does most of you--is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating as they were to me. The call was from AT&T and it went something like this: (swallowing)

Me: Hello
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T...

Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...

Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes This is AT&T...

Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?

Me: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.

Me: OK, hold on.

At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.

Me: Hello?
AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?

Me: May I ask who is calling please?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...

Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...

Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron?

Me: Yes, is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes sir.

Me: The phone company?
AT&T: Yes sir.

Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.
AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.

Me: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Byron.

Me: Well whatever it is, I'm really not interested but thanks for calling.

When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested," but this lady was persistent.

AT&T: Mr. Byron we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute but she at no time used the word rate. I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.

Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?
AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes sir that's right! 24 hours a day!

Me: 7 days a week?
AT&T: That's right.

Me: 365 days a year?
AT&T: Yes sir.

Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!
AT&T: We think so!

Me: That's quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it adds up.

Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just
one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?

AT&T: Excuse me?
Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.

AT&T: What are you talking about?
Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.

AT&T: Oh no sir I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us
10 cents a minute.
Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn't you say you'd give me 10
cents a minute. Are you sure this is AT&T?

AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but......
Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.

AT&T: No sir we are offering 10 cents a minute for.....
Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor
please!

AT&T: Sir I don't think that is necessary.
Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?

AT&T: What?
Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!

AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold.

So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I
begin to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food:

Supervisor: Mr. Byron?
Me: Yeth?

Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.
Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?

Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.

I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.

Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.
Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.

Me: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?
Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother...

AT&T: (click)

As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g., "Steady as she goes" or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!"). Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow.

Five reasons to believe computers are female:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

2. The language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."

4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons follow.

Five reasons to believe computers are male.

1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.

3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.

4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.

From tech support annals:

I had this conversation recently with a lady who swore she had been using computers since forever.

Tech Support: "All right. Now click 'OK'."
Customer: "Click 'OK'?"
Tech Support: "Yes, click 'OK'."
Customer: "Click 'OK'?"
Tech Support: "That's right. Click 'OK'."
Customer: "So I click 'OK', right?"
Tech Support: "Right. Click 'OK'."
Pause.

Customer: "I clicked 'Cancel'."
Tech Support: "YOU CLICKED 'CANCEL'???"
Customer: "That's what I was supposed to do, right?"
Tech Support: "No, you were supposed to click 'OK'."
Customer: "I thought you said to click 'Cancel'."
Tech Support: "NO. I said to click 'OK'."
Customer: "Oh."
Tech Support: "Now we have to start over."
Customer: "Why?"
Tech Support: "Because you clicked 'Cancel'."
Customer: "Wasn't I supposed to click 'Cancel'?"
Tech Support: "No. Forget that. Let's start from the top."
Customer: "Ok."
I spent the next fifteen minutes re-constructing the carefully crafted setup for this lady's unique computer.

Tech Support: "All right. Now, are you ready to click 'OK'?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "Great. Now click 'OK'."
Pause.

Customer: "I clicked 'Cancel'."
And people wonder why my mouse pad has a target on it labeled "BANG HEAD HERE."

Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.