BREAKING NOW! NORAD picks up UFO on Radar

NORAD ^ | 12/24/03 | Fighting Irish

[Fighting Irish]

Breaking now!

NORAD radar intercepts UFO flying out of the North Pole.

Object appeared briefly as sleigh-like and being pulled by a series of animals (as of yet undetermined). Anonymous sources tell this reporter, top secret radio intercepts of UFO indicate the pilot of said object appeared to be laughing.

Alert system placed on level GREEN.

Officials ask that all fireplaces are to be extinguished immediately.

More as this story developes.

[jwh_Denver]

Uh oh, Santa wished Merry Christmas at a home of an ACLU member. Lawsuits are being racked up now. Ooooo, Rudolph made a bad turn and well that ACLU chimp now has skid marks all over his body. Poor Santa, wrapped up in lawsuits for next year. Thanks Rudolph! Get some more of em!

[MinuteGal]

Of course, if Fox determines this is a car-chase up in the northern sky, they'll get on it right away!

Leni

[Gabz]

You're my kind of reporter!!!!

[bdeaner]

Wait a minute! I thought we caught that guy!

[eeman]

They probably are too busy covering the Laci Perterson case

[BobS]

"What are those sneaky Canadians up to now?

My gal-friend in Edmonton sent me the best grey thick Canadian socks they have. And HP Steak Sauce, and a calendar! My footsies in southeren CA get cold in the early morning in L.A.! It was the only present I will use and remember her fot:)

[Destro]

Red wearing commie! Shoot em down!!!

[BenLurkin]

lol!

[BenLurkin]

Seems Santa skipped that team playing OSU at the Las Vegas Bowl.

[singsong]

top secret radio intercepts of UFO indicate the pilot of said object appeared to be laughing.

Me too. Merry Christmas!

[EveningStar]

Old, but still pretty good.

[billbears]

I'm sorry but I'm going to play the commercial humbug. I saw this on the news tonight. Something around 400 people man a phone line people can call into. Not to mention the people that have to do the computer generated images and the 'tracking' for 24 hours straight. And all this paid for by you guessed it, taxpayer dollars. All off of a mistake made close to 50 years ago by a guy who wouldn't hang up the phone and instead talked to a kid.

Interesting isn't it that we can have the national government play up Santa Claus but one mention of the whole reason for Christmas and liberals, along with some conservatives, will go absolutely ballistic. Don't get me wrong, I like Santa Claus, heck growing up I even believed one hundred percent in Santa Claus. And far be it from me to dash the ideals of little kids worldwide from believing in Kris Kringle. But when Santa Claus overrides far and above any mention of Jesus Christ, whose birth is the reason for the holiday, up to and including using taxpayer dollars to encourage it, I have a bit of a problem

Doesn't the government have anything better to do with this money for the past 48 years? Say like give it back to the citizens of the respective states?

[Trajan88]

Help I can't remember... was it a Bill (instead of Jack) in a Box that was banished to the Island of Toys No Kids Wanted?

Santa should send the 9 Democrapic candidates to that island.

Trajan88

[Indy Pendance]

Subject: Santa Claus: An Engineer's Perspective

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau).

At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second.

This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks.

This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second--3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a Poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself.

On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them, Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch). 600,000 tons

Traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance-this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.

Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs.

Merry Christmas.

[Howlin]

[PSYCHO-FREEP]

A squadron of 10 F-22s has been dispatched from Fairbanks to intersept the intruder. Air Force spokes person Chris K. Ringle claims the object is heavily laden with "suspicious" objects. Their fear is that it is bound for some strategic target located at some undisclosed location in North America.

Confirmation that this intruder has previously been banned in several American cities by the courts as well as city concil members, adds further justification to respond with deadly force.

"This F%^$# menace must be stopped in it's Muther f?*&! tracks!", (more accurately put: Hooves!) Says John Kerry, the Democratic hopeful for the presidency in 2004, who is a vastly decorated war hero and sharp dresser.

Hillary Clinton, the most popular Senator in our known history and certain winner in "04 if only she would join the caucus, was not available for comment.

Howard Dean quickly out distanced reporters as he huffed and raged his way to the top of the Chrysler Building in New York City with his small animal killing 12 guage shot gun, mumbling; "Those idiot baby-bombing Fighter Jocks are to incompetent stop this menace, then I'll do it myself!

Stay tuned for further updates....

[Brad’s Gramma]

He made the mistake of telling his 3 or 4 year old son that the flashing red light was Rudolph's nose.

hahahahahaaaaaaaaa

[BenLurkin]

You know, Santa Claus doesn't just deliver presents:

[Rebelbase]

"Of course, if Fox determines this is a car-chase up in the northern sky, they'll get on it right away!"

[Brimack34]

Word is he is leaving all but one of the Dems. off his list!!! Zell may have a gift.