Posted on 12/30/2003 12:09:28 PM PST by carlo3b
New Years Resolution.. FIND TRUE LOVE, AGAIN!Was your First Love, your True Love? Can you go back?
Is your first love your lone love?
There must be something very special about our first love, as clumsy as they were, they have inspired enough love stories written about it, to fill libraries. Well, there must be something real about it, because there are growing numbers including scientist, that believe that your first blushing love, is your only true love, and everything that has followed are sadly, only weak and empty sequels."If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were."Can you get that old feeling BACK?
-Anon.
Maybe it isn't a new phenomenon, but it is finally getting some real highbrow attention, that many lovers are attempting to re-ignite that old flame. Recent findings from the "Lost Love Project", an on-going study at Cal State Univ., suggest that somewhere around 10 percent of the population fall in love again with someone from their past. If this is true, what is it that makes lost love so darn memorable? Why is it that some people are still carrying a torch that still has a flame after so many years?"All thoughts, all passions, all delights Whatever stirs this mortal frame All are but ministers of Love and feed His sacred flame."Noted Sociologist Dr. Constance Ahrons, author of “The Good Divorce”, firmly believes that people “continue to yearn for someone in the past when the relationship didn’t end the way they wanted it to.” That may be OK for the good doctor, but I believe that Love in youth is sometime discouraged by circumstances and pressures. Too often our youthful romances, as passionate as they were, were abandoned prematurely without an acceptable closure. Trying to return only reinforces our belief that we could have made it work. But can we?
-Samuel Taylor ColeridgeDr. Nancy Kalish, a psychologist and director of the Lost Love Project, agrees. “Lost love is a highly emotional and powerful thing,” she says. Long after a relationship ends, some people still grieve for what happened or what might have been. Some study participants actually describe “physically aching” to be with their lost lover again. Reconnecting with an old flame is a deliberate, assertive way of dealing with that grief and regret.
"Absence is to love what wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great."“Few people reconnect at reunions or by chance,” says Dr. Kalish, who has become a recognized expert on rekindled loves. “These people call or write, - usually when they're feeling good about themselves.” While some lost lovers reconnect out of curiosity, others search to right old wrongs, or to make sense of a past relationship. Most people, however, search in hopes of re-igniting that true-love passion of that long ago romance.
-Comte DeBussy-RabutinYouthful Love, like everything in those highly emotional, hormone driven years, had a reckless abandon to it. We hadn't had years of accumulated suspicion, or learned defensiveness to cloud unabashed passions. We let it all hang out! But with all of that exuberance came risk, and with risk came proper parental caution. That careful balance between lead and learn, too often than balance tipped in both directions, with painful results. Those that ended romances, sometime left unfinished business, and open wounds with broken hearts. For many, we are now discovering, proving really what we have always believed, it was the right person, but sadly, at the wrong time.
"The art of love ... is largely the art of persistence."“Parents tend to dismiss young love, but they need to realize how important first loves can be. A teenage romance should never be belittled as just puppy love,” says Kalish. “Many of the rekindlers expressed anger at their parents for separating them from the young sweethearts they loved.”
-Albert EllisYoung love can be strong and enduring. Over 84 percent of the rekindled lovers were younger than 22 when they began their initial relationships. Of these, two-thirds said it was their very first romance.
"Footfalls echo in the memory Down the passage which we did not take Towards the door we never opened Into the rose-garden. My words echo Thus, in your mind."Not surprisingly, many rekindled romances that bring those lovers back together, have extremely high success rates. The Lost Love Project (LLP) studied over 1000 couples who had reunited after more than five years apart, and found that 72 percent turned into long-term relationships. Two-thirds resulted in marriage or engagement.
-T. S. Eliot, "Four Quartets"“Returning to a past love is like returning to a former part of ourselves,” says Kalish, who has recorded the project findings in her book “Lost and Found Lovers”. “Often people who share a lost love share a common history, and this gives them a strong foundation together.”
Think about it, our First Love after all, is usually with someone close, a playmate, neighbor, classmate, or sibling of a friend. These relationships create Lovers that share customs, traditions, and memories.
Memories that are shared, are never boring - when retold, or relived.For many, that bond formed so long ago must have been everything we thought it was, because surprisingly, the LLP study found that the divorce rate among reunited couples was a measly 1.5 percent, suggesting that the best place to look for Mr. Right may be in your yearbook, or dusty scrapbook.
-Carlo3b, Falling Leaves from the Diary of a Single dad"The moment you have in your heart this extraordinary thing called love and feel the depth, the delight, the ecstasy of it, you will discover that for you the world is transformed."But while rekindling a past love can be wonderful, as it appears it often is, however, accept this cautious note, it is not without risk. Too often, it is a married person who first fantasize, then tempts fate when seeking then seeing an old flame, even when it seems harmless. “You just don’t realize the hold that old love may still have over you,” Kalish says. “Almost one-third of the reunited couples in the project were adulterous relationships. Most of these people had been faithful spouses before they looked up their lost love. I've seen marriages completely blown out of the water by innocently reconnecting with an old flame,” warns Kalish.
-J. Krishnamurti"Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up."Kalish, interviewed a young woman that we shall call Katy Martin, who asked that her real name not be used, because she knows all too well the dangers of meeting up with a past love. When her old boyfriend called out of the blue one day to tell her that a mutual friend had died, Martin, 32, innocently agreed to meet him for coffee after the funeral. Though happily married mother of 2 children, Martin was shocked when sparks began flying between the two of them. The resulting affair destroyed her marriage and her family.
-James BaldwinEven if you're not married, looking up a past love can still have its downfalls. “The memories you hold dear may be destroyed when you're confronted with the present reality,” Ahrons says. “Don’t forget that ten or fifteen years may have passed since you were with that lost lover. You're not the same, and neither is the other person.” “We tend to see the past through rose-colored glasses,” Ahrons adds. Suddenly that boyfriend who was uncommunicative is remembered as quiet and shy.
"Sometimes the heart sees what is invisible to the eye."I have to remind you that sometimes the heart is wrong, because memories can be very selective, and often faulty. That hot-tempered and jealous high school girl has developed in your fantasized recollection, to have become an attractively passionate and intense angel. If you forget why the relationship may have ended in the first place, you may be setting yourself up for a repeat of the last breakup. For all of those fond memories, in reality may return like a bad habit. However, it is entirely possible that it may not be a mistake.
-H. Jackson Brown Jr."A very small degree of hope is sufficient to cause the birth of love."
-Stendhal
All of that aside, everyone wants and needs love, and maybe over time we have set up too many conditions that prevent anyone from entering our heart, or our lives. The comfort of an old friend re entering our life may be just what the doctor ordered. Those defenses may fall like leaves when old passions return and we find the love of our life was indeed, our first true love.. our one and only flame.. is still burning in our heart.. my hope and love are always with you.. never forget, all FReepers are lovers. If all else fails, for better or worse, you will always have me.. I LOVE YOU . . :)
HAPPY NEW YEAR
That was enough for me.
The male ego (at least mine) is fragile, and I sat down and had a long talk with myself: "Boris, old boy: whatever they want, you ain't got; whatever you got, they don't want." So I stopped chasing them. Now, at 52 and on meds that reduce the libido to zero, I am sort of glad it's over. But I will attach here some material that "indicates" a bit of what I found--and lost--twice.
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"It did not seem possible that Wendy Wright had been born out of blood and internal organs like other people. In proximity to her he felt himself to be a squat, oily, sweating, uneducated nurt whose stomach rattled and whose breath wheezed. Near her he became aware of the physical mechanisms which kept him alive; within him machinery, pipes and valves and gas-compressors and fan belts had to chug away at a losing task, a labor ultimately doomed. Seeing her face, he discovered that his own consisted of a garish mask; noticing her body make him feel like a low-class windup toy. All her colors possessed a subtle quality, indirectly lit. Her eyes, those green and tumbled stones, looked impassively at everything; he had never seen fear in them, or aversion, or contempt. What she saw she accepted. Generally she seemed calm. But more than that she struck him as being durable, untroubled and cool, not subject to wear, or to fatigue, or to physical illness and decline." -- Philip K Dick, UBIK.
Or maybe the verse from CSN&Y: "Gasping at glimpses of gentle true spirit, he runs, wishing he could fly--only to trip at the sound of good-by."
And Ben Jonson's "Ode to Cynthia":
Queen and huntress, chaste and fair,
Now the sun is laid to sleep,
Seated in thy silver chair,
State in wonted manner keep.
Earth, let not thy envious shade
Dare itself to interpose;
Cynthia's shining orb was made
Heaven to cheer when day did close.
Lay thy bow of pearl apart,
And thy crystal-shining quiver,
Give unto the flying hart
Space to breathe, how short soever.
Hesperus entreats thy light,
Goddess excellently bright.
Bless us then with wished sight
Thou that mak'st a day of night.
Me neither, I think it was 8lb, 4oz...
LowCarb Ginger Roasted Chicken with Lemon-Orange Sauce
(Pollo Arrosto All'Arancia, Limone, e Zenzero)
Arabic traders brought ginger to Italy, which is why we have this great Sicilian recipe. Most Italians use ginger sparingly, but effectively.
Preheat an oven to 350ºF.
- 1 med. lemon
- 1 roasting chicken, about 5 pounds
- Grate zest of 1 lemon, then lemon cut into quarters
- Grate zest of 1 orange, then orange cut into quarters
- 3 tablespoons peeled and grated fresh ginger root
- Salt and freshly ground black pepper
- 5 tablespoons olive oil or margarine, melted
- 4 tablespoons fresh lemon juice
- 1/2 cup fresh orange juice
- 3 tablespoons honey
- Orange sections for garnish
1) Cut the lemon into quarters. Rub the outside of the chicken with one of the lemon quarters, then discard.
2) In a small bowl, stir together the lemon and orange zest and 1 tablespoon of the grated ginger. Rub this mixture evenly in the cavity. Put the lemon and orange quarters inside the bird.
3) Place the chicken on a rack in a roasting pan. Sprinkle it with salt and pepper.
4) In a small bowl, combine the melted margarine or olive oil, lemon and orange juices, honey, and the remaining 2 tablespoons ginger. Mix well.Place the chicken in the oven and roast, basting with the citrus juice mixture at least 4 times during cooking, until the juices run clear when the thigh is pierced with a knife, about 1 hour.
Transfer to a serving platter and let rest for 10 to 15 minutes. Carve the chicken. Garnish with orange sections.
Makes 4 servings.
That has been the bane of my experience. The one that got away still acts in movies here in L.A. There are some times when you just have to grow up,get into gear and I wasn't ready. 11 years later now in 2003, I'm 100% fully in gear and am simply waiting for God to put someone in my way, as I work waaaaay too much and just go along my merry little way, smiling to myself. There's nothing more lamentable, than finally being comfortable in your own skin, and being single. Life is good though, very good, and I am not complaining, just speaking in facts. All in due time I tell you, all in due time.
To be perfectly honest, I have absolutely no idea. Your story tells me you are both mature for your age, and growing the friendship is a great idea. If you are confident enough that your friendship will not be harmed by telling her your feelings, I say go for it.
I met my husband accidently, he had grown up with several friends of mine and just recently returned to the area, and joined a bunch of us that had gone out for happy hour one Saturday night. My friends were taking me out because I had just that day moved into a new apartment after having left my husband a month earlier.
So technically I was still married when we met, and we just got to be friends. He actually became my knight in shining armor helping me extricate myself from one of the guys who got the idea that I was "with him" and I wasn't.
We got engaged 3 years later but for various and sundry reasons postponed the wedding date numerous times. So while we are coming up on 16 years since we've met we'll only be celebrating our 7th wedding anniversary in February.
You're still young, and I assume your lady friend is as well, I can only suggest you do not rush into anything. By all means tell her how you feel on Valentine's Day. Good luck to you. and happy New Year.
:>)
I've never tried that, I like the basic dumpling recipe because the inside of them stays dry and sort of airy. When you do them your way how long doyou cook them? They almost sound like the slippery dumplings common in this area which are very time consuming to make.
I cheat when I do slippery dumplings, I buy them frozen! I learned that trick from one of the denizens of the Volunteer fire company chicken and dumpling dinner cooks!!!
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