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Sorry...couldn't help myself.
Posted on 09/04/2004 7:49:20 PM PDT by umgud
A guy was traveling through Mexico on vacation when, lo and behold, he lost his wallet and all identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempts to make his way home but is stopped by the Customs Agent at the border. "May I see your identification, please?" asks the agent.
"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replies the guy.
"Sure, buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no crossing the border," says the agent.
"But I can prove that I'm an American!" he exclaims. "I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one butt cheek and a picture of George Bush on the other."
"This I gotta see," replies the agent. With that, Joe drops his pants and bends over in front of the agent.
"By golly, you're right!" exclaims the agent "Go on home to Boston."
"Thanks!" he says. "But how did you know I was from Boston?"
The agent replies, "I recognized the picture of John Kerry in the middle."
Bill Clinton was jogging down Pennsylvania one morning when he encountered a “Working Girl” standing on the corner where he had stopped for a light.
He smiled at her and asks”How much?”
“One hundred dollars” was her reply.
Bill says ”I’ll give you five.”
She tells him to get lost, and he jogs on at the change of the light.
Several mornings later, the encounter repeats itself with the same offer of a hundred dollars extended and the offer of five dollars rejected.
It was a week or so later, when Bill was jogging the same route, this time with Hillary at his side that he came upon the same “Working Girl” at the usual corner. Pretending not to notice her, he patiently waited for the light to change before he and Hillary jogged away.
Just as Bill had sighed a breath of relief for not having been put in an awkward position by the hooker, he heard her cry from over his shoulder, “See what you get for five dollars?”
>>If Bill Clinton was drowning in a lake and you had the choice between jumping in and saving him or taking a Pulitzer prize winning photo...... <<
Was Ted Kennedy driving near by?
Those famous sportsmen, John Kerry and John Edwards, were out in the woods one day hunting for big game. Suddenly, Kerry shouts, "Look! I found some tracks!" Edwards runs over to check them out and, wringing his hands in glee, says, "Wow! Look at those tracks! This is gonna be the biggest bear you ever saw!"
Kerry looks at him in disgust and says, "Bear tracks? These aren't bear tracks - - these are moose tracks."
"Moose tracks? Are you nuts?" Edwards replies, "Those are obviously bear tracks."
As they continue to argue they get hit by a train.
Survivor--Texas Style Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning to do its own, entitled Survivor, Texas Style. The contestants will start in Dallas, travel to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston, and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland, Odessa, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there, they'll proceed to Abilene, Ft. Worth and finally back to Dallas.Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads, "I'm gay, I'm a vegetarian, I'll vote for John Kerry, and I'm here to confiscate your guns!" The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins!
Or this one (one of my favorites, changed to fit the times)
Kerry's Campaign Airplane crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken, the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the area in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed, with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.The Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or Kerry's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all had happened. They hurried over to surround the man's John Deere tractor.
"Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath, "did you see this terrible accident happen?"
"Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly.
"Do you realize that is the airplane of Presidential Candidate John Kerry?"
"Yep."
"Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped.
"Nope. They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed, cutting off his John Deere motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning."
"John Kerry is DEAD?" the agent gulped in disbelief.
"Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. "He kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is."
BTTT
Sportsmen John and John were out hunting. John E said to John K, "These tracks will lead us to the biggest trophy you can imagine!"
"What kind of tracks are they?" said John K.
"Ambulance tracks!"
bttt
Ping
bump
Humor break.
BTTT!!!!!!
Thanks
I needed a laugh this morning.
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Sorry...couldn't help myself.
LOL!
What a great way to start the morning off...
ROFLOL
I hadn't heard that one!
Subject: Think Positive !
How to start each day with a positive outlook:
1. Open a new file in your PC.
2. Name it "John Kerry."
3. Send it to the trash.
4. Empty the trash.
5. Your PC will ask you, "do you really want to get rid of John
Kerry?"
6. Answer calmly, "yes," and press the mouse button firmly.
7. Feel better.....
Thanks for the laughs.
The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." But he decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man responds, "100." And immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, baseball, cheerleaders, and so on.
Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He goes back in, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?" The man replies, "50."
And the robot says, "So, you gonna vote for Kerry?"
The man leaves and re-enters a third time, the bartender ask his IQ. The man replies, "40".
The bartender says, "Why the long face Senator?".
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