Comedian Rodney Dangerfield's One-Liners

AP ^ | 10/06/04

[nypokerface]

A sampling of comedian Rodney Dangerfield's one-liners:

Oct. 5, 2004, Joke of the Day on Dangerfield's Web site:

"I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetery plot. The guy said, 'There goes the neighborhood!'"

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"When I was born, I was so ugly that the doctor slapped my mother."

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"When I started in show business, I played one club that was so far out, my act was reviewed in Field and Stream."

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"Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: `Basement?'"

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"When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up."

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"I never got girls when I was a kid. One girl told me, `Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. There was nobody home."

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"When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me."

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"When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names — hers and her mother's."

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"With my wife, I don't get no respect. The other night there was a knock on the front door. My wife told me to hide in the closet."

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"With my wife, I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it."

[the_devils_advocate_666]

My favorite Rodney line from Back to School:

Diane: I'd love to go with you, but I've got a class right now.
Thornton Melon : Well, why don't you come and see me some time when you have no class.

[DustyMoment]

Rodney Dangerfield was a true one-of-a-kind. He was such an icon.

We've not only lost a great man, we've lost a FUNNY great man.

But, Heaven will be in hysterics - Jack Benny, Bob Hope and Phil Silvers, to name but a few, will be laughing it up.

Thanks for the great jokes, Rodney. Rest in peace.

[Armedanddangerous]

I think we ought to find Dr. Vinnie Boom Boss and whip his ass.

[Crawdad]

"I tried to teach my 15 year-old daughter how to drive. She couldn't get used to the front seat."

[Pali]

I saw Rodney in the market about 8 years ago. He was was wearing a bathrobe and slippers.

[RexBeach]

"I went to my doctor the other day. You know my doctor don't yah? Dr. Vinnie Boombatz? I said I don't know what's wrong with me. I got up this morning looked in the mirror and wanted to throw up. My doc, he says, I don't know what's wrong with you, but your eyesight's perfect! So I says I want a second opinion! He says, OK, you're ugly, too!"

"I tell yah. I don't no respect!"

[SerpentDove]

I once dated a girl with pigtails...under her ARMS.

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I told my kid about the birds and the bees--he told me about my wife and the butcher.

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One time I got lost from my parents--I asked a cop, "Do you ever think I'll find them?" he said, "I don't know, kid, there are so many places they could hide."

BA-DOMP-BOMP!!!

Loved ya, Rodney.

[Skooz]

What a coincedence. Night before last, I watched "Caddyshack" for the first time in 20 years. Rodney was hilarious in that movie. Funny, funny man. RIP.

[NRA1995]

(BRRRRRRRRRAAAAAPPPPPPPP!!!!) Oooooooo....did someone step on a duck?

[Puppage]

I am so ugly, I went to the Proctologist & put his finger in my mouth.

[mitchbert]

I tell ya my kids give me no respect. They enrolled in a private school. They won't tell me where it is.

[traderrob6]

Our loss is heavens gain

[Bloody Sam Roberts]

"My wife's cooking was so bad that the flies all chipped in to get the screen door repaired."

[RexBeach]

"I went to my doctor the other day. You know my doctor don't yah? Dr. Vinnie Boombatz? I said I don't know what's wrong with me. I got up this morning looked in the mirror and wanted to throw up. My doc, he says, I don't know what's wrong with you, but your eyesight's perfect! So I says I want a second opinion! He says, OK, you're ugly, too!"

"I tell yah. I don't get no respect!"

[silverleaf]

"When I was dating my wife she told me I was 'one in a million'. I found out she was right!"

[TheNailMan]

"The other night my dog was scratching & whining at the back door, so I opened it to let him out....he wanted me to go!!!"

[catch]

I once went out with a woman, she was so old that when she was in school they didn't teach history.

[ko_kyi]

"I told my son, I said 'kid, one day you will have kids of your own,' he said 'so will you'"

"I called my wife from work, I said "Honey, I can't wait to get there and make love to you," - she said, "who is this?"

[ItsOurTimeNow]

Rodney, handling a heckler:

Heckler: "You stink! Don't quit your day job!"
Rodney: "But if I don't find guys for your sister, who will?"

[atomicweeder]

My favorite:

"I only get girls because of who I am . . . a rapist!"