Posted on 12/08/2004 7:59:34 AM PST by Hillary's Lovely Legs
Among his many acomplishments, Alexander the Great is credited with inventing the first wristwatch. Alexander liked to dabble in alchemy in his spare time. The "watch" was actually a chemically treated rag which Alexander wore around his wrist. It turned different colors at different times of the day.
Unfortunately, very few people today know about Alexander's Rag Time Band.
I wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this.
Sorry about this, but I must.
1. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
2. In democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your count that votes.
3. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
4. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
5. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
6. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
7. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
8. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
9. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
10. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
ping to self for later reading...
One day a man walked into a bar and sat down next to a guy with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender said, "Cute parrot, what is his name?”
The guy answers, “His name is Chet, and I got him for Christmas.”
“Does he talk?" asked the bartender.
The guy with the parrot says, "He does more than just talk, watch." The guy lit a match and placed it under Chet’s left foot. Then the parrot started singing "Jingle Bells".
The guy then placed the match under Chet’s right foot and the parrot then started to sing "The 12 days of Christmas."
The bartender said, "That's incredible". He then asked, "What does he say when you place the flame between his feet?"
The guy said, "You know I never tried that, let's see."
When the match was placed between the feet of the parrot, the parrot began to sing a familiar tune... "Chet’s Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire."
This is true:
Last night when I was putting my 3 y.o. to bed, I was singing "Away in the Manger" to him, and he asked me who it was about, and I told him "baby Jesus".
He then said "Mommy? I have a friend who's going to Jesus."
I was startled, what with my idea of "going to Jesus", and asked him "Really? Jesus?"
To which he replied, "yes, Chucky Jesus"
And then later last night, I was putting my 8 y.o. to bed, and he had terrible indigestion, so I gave him 2 Rolaids to take, and he said "I don't know if I should take these, mommy. I've heard on the news about baseball players and Rolaids"
lol, I got 2 last night!
That was a great Christmas pun, and I will tell it often in teh next 2 weeks.
Once upon a time, there was a rabbi and a priest that were missionaries for a tribe in Africa. The tribe was the Trids. Well, the Trids showed respect for each other by kicking each other in the butt. You know, only a light tap, but a kick nonetheless.
So, one day the rabbi asked the priest why it was that neither of the Men of God got kicks from the Trids.
The priest replied, "Silly rabbi, kicks are for Trids."
During the crushing of the Prague Spring as the Russian tanks were entering the Bohemian city the midget who had been leading the dissidents was frantically running from door to door in the shopping district crying out to each person he met please can you cache a small Czech?
There are two guys who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a small tree off in the distance.
As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts. And the smell... oh, the glorious smell!"
"Look Pepe," says the first man. "It's a bacon tree!"
"You're right!" says Pepe, "We're saved!"
Pepe doesn't wait another second. He runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But just as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.
His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe.
"Pepe!! Pepe!! What on earth happened?"
And with his dying breath Pepe calls back: "Ugh, run, run!! It's not a Bacon Tree after all..."
"...its a ham bush!"
There was once a handyman who had a dog named Mace. Mace was a great dog except he had one weird habit: he liked to eat grass - not just a little bit, but in quantities that would make a lawnmower blush. And nothing, it seemed, could cure him of it.
One day, the handyman lost his wrench in the tall grass while he was working outside. He looked and looked, but it was nowhere to be found. As it was getting dark, he gave up for the night and decided to look the next morning.
When he awoke, he went outside, and saw that his dog had eaten the grass all in the area, around where he had been working, and his wrench now lay in plain sight, glinting in the sun.
Going out to get his wrench, he called the dog over to him and said, "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me."
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