Posted on 12/08/2004 7:59:34 AM PST by Hillary's Lovely Legs
1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world.
3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
5. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
8. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
9. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
10. And finally, there was a man who sent 10 different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
I'm paralyzed by the god-awfulness!
Great job!
Did you hear that Sesame Street got a new bus driver? Well, they did. On
her first day as the Sesame Street bus driver, the previous bus driver went
along to show her the route. Now, it happens that this was probably not
necessary, since the route was quite short - only two stops.
On the first stop, a VERY large lady came out to meet the bus with her small
child in tow. "HI", she said, is a booming voice. "My name's Patty, and
this here's my special son, Ross. He's a very special kid, and I want you
to treat him well!" The new bus driver greeted them both. Patty sat in the
back of the bus with her son.
On the second (and final) stop, the bus driver was again approached by a
VERY large lady with a small child in tow. "HI", she said, in a similarly
booming voice. "My name's Patty . . . Patty Cheeks! And this here's my
son Lawrence!" "Well", replied the bus driver, "it's very good to meet you
both. There's another Patty in the back of the bus that perhaps you'd like
to sit with, Patty. Lawrence, you may sit anywhere you like." Patty went
to the back of the bus with the other Patty, and Lawrence chose a seat in
the front.
About halfway to Sesame Street, Lawrence all of a sudden ripped off both
shoes and socks, and began frantically scratching and picking at his feet.
"Why, what's wrong, Lawrence?", the bus driver asked. Lawrence replied,
"It's these stupid bunions - I've had 'em for weeks, and nothing seems to
help. They're driving me crazy!" The bus driver sympathized, but, having
never had them herself, could be of no help.
When they finally arrived at Sesame Street, they were stopped by the Sesame
Street guard at the gate. "Who are you", the guard asked. "I'm the new
Sesame Street bus driver", the bus driver replied. "Oh, I see", replied
the guard. "Who have you got in here?", he asked, peering into the bus at
the occupants. "Well", answered the bus driver,
"I've got two obese Pattys, special Ross, Lawrence Cheeks picking
bunions on a Sesame Street bus."
Booo Hiss ss Boooooo.
Good ones. Any More.??
BUMP
LOL! I couldn't spot where that one was going.
(thanks for posting these :-)
Roy Rogers wore his new cowboy boots on a hunting trip. While he slept in his tent, a mountain lion crept up and chewed up his boots, which were sitting outside the tent. In the morning, an outraged Roy tracked the lion down, shot and skinned him out, threw the hide across the rear of Trigger's saddle, and rode into town. An impressed local stepped forward and said,
"Pardon me Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?"
Two molecules were talking. The first molecule said, "Something terrible has happened. I've lost an electron!" The second one said, "Are you sure?" The first molecule replied, "Yes, I'm positive."
A popular magazine actually had a contest for the best pun ever. The winner was as follows.
A group of brothers decides to start a cattle ranch. They ask their father what it should be called. The father suggests calling it the Focus Ranch, because that's where the sun's rays meet. (Sons raise meat.)
It was the winner because all three words got punned.
Did you hear about the guy who found out he could make his pet dolphins live forever by feeding them seagulls? He went out to catch as many as he could find, but on his way home he found his path blocked by an old, sleeping, toothless lion that had wandered off from the zoo. Our intrepid adventurer bravely stepped over the snoozing beast and was promptly arrested. The charge?
Transporting gulls across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral. "She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone".
A couple of Christmas puns:
The Russian immigrant who could tell what type of precipitation it was:
Rudolph The Red knows rain, dear.
The new shiny dental device that's not subject to acid in foods:
There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.
A boy named Arthur strangled two old ladies in the produce department as they struggle for some money they saw on the floor:
Arty chokes two for a dollar at the grocery store.
A good pun is it's own reword.
Wonderful torture! Thanks for pun-ishing us.
Did you hear about the kindly scientist who threw his foul-mouthed clone out of a 20th story window? He was arrested for making an obscene clone fall.
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