Posted on 12/08/2004 7:59:34 AM PST by Hillary's Lovely Legs
I can't help it, I love puns.
There was once an island kingdom whose people were all fabulously wealthy. Even though they could have afforded to live anywhere they wanted, tradition dictated they stay on their tiny island home.
Eventually, their king became frustrated and called a meeting of the tribe's elders. He said he wanted them to figure out a way he could enjoy his wealth, and stay within traditional guidelines.
After much consideration, the elders suggested he build a magnificent throne. When he objected there was not enough room in his hut for a throne, the elders suggested he call in an engineer to solve the problem.
Soon, the king's tiny hut was rigged with an elaborate system of ropes and pulleys. He could lower the huge throne for use during the day, and at night, he could haul the throne up, and lower his bed. This was truly the best of both worlds for the king.
Unfortunately, after a few months of constant use the roopes frayed, and one night, the throne slipped and came crashing down on the king, killing him.
The wise men of the island recognized a lesson in this experience and added to the lore of their people this statement: "People who live in grass houses should not stow thrones."
People who post puns are going to burn in a very special level of hell. A level they reserve for politicians and people who talk at the theater...
A fellow got up one morning and decided he no longer was going to shave himself, he was instead going to the barber for his morning shave.
The town barber also happened to be the local pastor in town. When the guy walked into the barber shop the barber/pastor was not there, he was out on a pastoral call but his wife Grace was in the shop.
The man said to Grace, "I want a shave." Grace told him to climb up in the chair and she gave him a shave. When Grace was finished he asked her how much for the shave and Grace said, "Twenty dollars."
"Twenty dollars, that seems a little steep," the guy replied.
Grace said: "That's my charge."
So the guy gave her $20 bill and went on his way. The next morning when he got up he went to the mirror and looked and his face was as smooth as when he was shaved the day before. He checked the following the day, same thing, a week went by, two weeks and his face stayed as smooth as a baby's face.
Finally after the third week he stopped back in the barber shop and Grace happened to be there. The guy said to her: "Grace, I can't believe I still don't need another shave. You did some kind of magnificent job."
And Grace replied, "Well, you have been shaved by Grace and once shaved always shaved!"
One day, a man from the Czech Republic came to visit his friend in New York.
When asked what he wanted to see, the visitor replied, "I would like to see one of the zoos in America."
To his delight, the New Yorker took him to the Bronx Zoo. They were touring the zoo, and standing in front of the gorilla cage, when one of the gorillas busted out of the cage and swallowed the Czech whole.
Shocked, his friend from New York quickly called over the zoo keeper. He quickly explained the situation and the zoo keeper immediately took steps to save the man's friend. The zoo keeper got an axe and asked the man, "OK, which gorilla did it? Was it the male or the female?" The New Yorker pointed out the female as the culprit. Quickly, the zoo keeper split the female gorilla open and found nothing of the Czech.
He looked at the man from New York, who shrugged and said, "Guess the Czech is in the male."
Oh, right. Next you'll be whining for a government program, a few grants and some kind subsidy.
There WILL be a reckoning.
The next day while walking through the dense jungle, one foolhardy tourist tried to pet foo bird who he saw perched upon the tree limb just above his head. The bird dumped it's foul load, just as the Shaman had warned, over the man's entire head, whereupon it immediately dried to a hard leather-like consistency. But the stench was too powerful and, with his companions' help, the fetid fecal mass was peeled away. But then, the man suddenly died.
Upon hearing of the tourist's plight, the Shaman commented: "I told him very clearly: "If the Foo shits, wear it."
Please O-pun the door as you go.
Once long, long ago in London a great sea beast rose out of the river and ravaged the people. A great knight slew the beast and all were happy until the next day when the body began to stink. A German butcher then became the hero when he turned the sea beast’s carcass to food to feed the poor. These incidents lead the great English bard to write; “It was the Beast of Thames, It was the Wurst of Thames.
Fitting for your tag line.........
One day two carrots were walking down the street. They were the best of friends. Just as they started to step off the curb a car came speeding around the corner and ran one of them over.
The unhurt carrot called an ambulance and helped his friend as best he could. He was taken to emergecy at the hospital, and rushed away.
After many hours of agonized waiting, the doctor came out. He walked over to the distraught carrot and said "I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is that your friend is going to pull through."
"The bad news is that he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life".
Ouch!!
Oh, that was a good one!
So, did you hear about the Warsaw bank that kept all its files in one filing cabinet? It was known as the Pole vault record holder.
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book the other was typing away on his typewriter.
The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.
Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
In the great desert lived a band of nomads. Their leader, Benny, had risen to his rank due to his magnificent beard. His people believed a man's strength and courage came from his beard, and thus the man with the biggest beard was their chief.
After leading the band for many years, Benny began to fell uncomfortable wearing the beard, in this hot and dusty land. He wanted to shave it off, so he called his council together to get their advice.
When he said he wanted to shave, the councilmen were shocked. One said, "Do you not remember the ancient legend, Sire. The leader who removes his beard is cursed and made into a piece of earthenware."
Benny had heard this legend, but being a modern man, he scoffed at the tale.
Being headstrong, he went ahead and cut and scraped away his once magnificent beard. As the final whisker was cut off, a huge dust storm came up. It lasted only a few seconds, and when it cleared, there was a man-sized clay vessel where only moments before had stood their leader.
The council then knew the legend must be true. Their conclusion? "A Benny shaved is a Benny urned."
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.
He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.
The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded".
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.
Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children, and one in the oven.
The funeral was at 3:50 for 20 minutes.
A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 am. The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop. The officer ordered the sailor, "Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning or it's the brig for you!"
The sailor picked up the broom and started to sweep the chain.
Just then, a tern landed on the broom handle. The sailor yelled at the bird to leave, but it didn't. The lad picked the tern off the broom handle, giving the bird a toss.
The bird left, only to return and light once again on the broom handle. The sailor went through the same routine all over again, with the same result.
He couldn't get any cleaning done because he could only sweep at the chain once or twice before the silly bird came back.
When morning came, so did the chief petty officer, to check up on his wayward sailor.
"What on earth have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than when you started! What have you to say for yourself, sailor?" barked the chief.
"Honest, chief," came the reply, "I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link!"
Missing dog sign:
Lost
small, wiry mottled hair dog with three legs, blind in one eye, torn ear, broken tail, recently castrated.
Answers to the name of Lucky.
Joe was backpacking through Europe. He had been on the road for two weeks and was having the time of his life.
Late one afternoon a fierce rainstorm broke out. Suddenly he was drenched, cold, and miserable. He searched frantically for shelter. Up ahead he could make out lights and a building of some kind. As Joe got closer he realized it was a monastery.
Joe knocked on the door. The monks welcomed him without hesitation. They offered him food and shelter for the night.
Joe had a hot bath and put on some dry clothes while his own clothes were drying. He then sat down for dinner. It was fish and chips and it was delicious!
One of the monks, Brother James, came over to his table and asked, "Is everything all right my son?"
"Yes." he replied. "Everything is wonderful! I am truly grateful for all your kindness. And this is the most delicious fish and chips I have ever had! Tell me; would it be possible for me to personally compliment the chef?"
"Certainly," said the monk and he led him to the kitchen where he met two more monks, Brother John and Brother Samuel.
"Which one of you do I have to thank for that great dinner of fish and chips?", Joe asked.
Brother John smiled. "Well," he said, "I'm the fish friar, and Brother Samuel is the chip monk."
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