Posted on 12/10/2004 2:44:08 PM PST by CHARLITE
Accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the world.
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Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
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"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f... ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f... ing bored, not f... ing stupid!"
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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.
While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
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There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
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Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."
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A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."
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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact
Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.
So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206 Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."
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While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,
asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference:
If it is an American Airlines flight, its 3PM.
If it is Air Force, its 1500 hours.
If it is a Navy aircraft, its 6 bells.
If it is an Army aircraft, Mickey's big hand is on the 12 and Mickey's little hand is on the 3.
If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, its Thursday afternoon."
I got a chance to see how the BAE workers made the thrust nozzles on the AV-8s while over there. This is the globe shaped device that rotates to direct the thrust in different directions. The guys, by hand, were hammering the metal on these big wooden shapes forming them as they went. That was over twenty years ago so there is no telling if they ever found a better way of doing it to improve cost and schedule.
Ah... The dashing ALCMs. I built the arm switch and the sep switch for quite a few of those buggers...
The A-10 should NEVER crash...
Reeve Aleutian Airways (RAA) was famous for operating in all types of weather out on the Aleutian chain.
One stormy night the pilots of an incoming flight radioed in with a request that the runway lights be turned on. The tower frantically replied that the airport was closed due to severe weather conditions.
The pilot replied that they already landed; they needed the runway lights/taxi lights on so they could find their way to the hangar.
In my plane... if the I can fly her again tomorrow - that's a GREAT landing!
She lands faster than most others fly - plus, you land blind... so, if you don't hit anything - you're happy.
;-)
Unnngh!
I've never understood why folks are afraid to fly. Way I see it, I'd much rather make a crater than choke on a stick of gum while getting a hair cut. Old saying is, the trick to never dying is to be killed.
I never heard the seagull story, but it could be true. The ECM gear was quite potent. I doubt that an EA-6B ever shut down power on the eastern seaboard, but they used to inadvertently pick up the radio and TV stations in the Seattle area from their range in the Pacific Northwest and put them out of business until the equipment was turned off. So I can believe that they would shut down communications.
It is truly an incredible aircraft.
lol Bump so I can find this thread later. This is hilarious stuff.
Give him a kiss behind the hangars.
[hangers]
He'll tell you.
Re the MIGS in the corridors.I was the USAF rep in the Berlin Air Safety Centre which gave approval to all flights in the corridors and the Berlin Control Zone. On a flight from Frankfurt to Berlin a MIG pulled up on my wing and flew formation with me. I called Berlin Control and told them to contact BASC and tell the Soviet rep to call Scharnhorst Airfield where the MIGs were controlled from and tell him to get the hell off my wing. He left and when I got back to the BASC I spoke to the Soviet rep who told me that they had no aircraft in my vicinity at the time I reported. The next day I gave the Russian Colonel who was their senior commander a 8 by 10 photo of the MIG with all its markings and asked him to contact the pilots commander and have him grounded as he was evidently lost and incompetent and therefore a hazard to all other aircraft. Funny, I never got an answer!!
<< ,,, how do you know when there's a pilot at your party?
He'll tell you. >>
Earth People all look so puny from up here.
,,, pilots? They do so much so that airlines can make so little. :)
I doubt the EA-6B "seagull" story. When I worked on E-2C's, the "Weight-on-wheels" switch would prevent the radar from transmitting through the antenna while on deck. (The radar was equipped with a fluid cooled dummy load, so they could transmit into it.) The WOW switch could be bypassed with the "Battle Short" switch but this was normally shear-wired to prevent inappropriate use and to indicate that it had been used.
<< ,,, pilots? They do so much so that airlines can make so little. :) >>
Back in the good old days, when Pilots and other enthusiastic Aviation Professionals ran the airlines and right up until the Peter Principled bureaucratic beancounters who comprise today's airline "management" oozed into the scene, dragging with them the millions of tennis-shoed tank-topped travellers attracted by them to the airline travel they cannot afford and do not pay enough for -- and forced into our flight decks the pilot-costumed low bidder quaota hires that these days substitute for the Pilots we used to know and put into our passenger compartments the cabin poofters who ponce about back there in place of the professional Stewards and Stewardesses who not so long ago used to carve the roast -- in Coach -- Air Lines made planeloads of dough!
Despite the fact that GA aircraft are totally unable to cause any damage, weighing less than most cars and trucks on the road...
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