Your Favorite Johnny Carson Joke?

Free Republic Vanity Kind-of ^ | 01/23/2005 | gortklattu

[gortklattu]

Just the Jokes, OK?

Johnny: "Sis - Boom - Bah

ED: "Sim - boom - bah

Johnny: What sound does an exploding sheep make?

[gortklattu]

ED: Sis - boom - bah

oops

[discostu]

"And then mommy's lawyer does to daddy what daddy was doing to the nurse".

[junaid]

That one still makes me laugh.

[Numbers Guy]

"Sure. Move the cat".

[jimt]

Johnny Carson was interviewing the wife of Arnold Palmer.

He asked her if she did anything special for Arnold to give him luck before a tough match.

She replied "I kiss his balls."

Johnny: "I'll bet that makes his putter stand on end !"

[Clemenza]

"May you have the income of a Republican and the sex life of a Democrat!"

[Arkinsaw]

During a week when there was a UFO sighting outbreak during the gas crisis.

"The bad news is that aliens have landed...the good news is that they pee gasoline."

[zarf]

"Take the Slawson cutoff until you get to the.........

FORK in the road.

[Cagey]

Webb: "This is the City. Los Angeles, California. Some people rob for pleasure. Some rob because it's there. You never know. My name's Friday, I'm a cop. I was working the day watch out of Robbery when I got a call from the Acme School Bell Company. There'd been a robbery."
Carson: "There's been a robbery."
Webb: "Yes sir, what was it?"
Carson: "My clappers!"
Webb: "Your clappers?"
Carson: "Yeah, you know, those things inside a bell that makes them clang?"
Webb: "The clangers?"
Carson: "That's right, we call them clappers in the business."
Webb: "A clapper caper."
Carson: "What's that?"
Webb: "Nothing sir. Now, can I have the facts? What kind of clappers were stolen on this caper?"
Carson: "They were copper clappers."
Webb: "And where were they kept?"
Carson: "In the closet."
Webb: "Uh huh. You have any ideas who might have taken the copper clappers from the closet?"
Carson: "Well, just one. I fired a man. He swore he'd get even."
Webb: "What was his name?"
Carson: "Claude Cooper"
Webb: "You think he'd..."
Carson: "That's right. I think Claude Cooper copped my copper clappers. Kept in the closet."
Webb: "You know where this Claude Cooper is from?"
Carson: "Yuh. Cleveland"
Webb: "That figures. That figures."
Carson: "What makes it worse, they were clean."
Webb: "Clean copper clappers."
Carson: "That's right."
Webb: "Why do you think Cleveland's Claude Cooper would cop your clean copper clappers kept in your closet?"
Carson: "Only one reason."
Webb: "What's that?"
Carson: "He's a kleptomaniac."
Webb: "Who first discovered the copper clappers were copped?"
Carson: "My cleaning woman, Clara Clifford."
Webb: "That figures. Now let me see if I got the facts straight here. Cleaning woman Clara Clifford discovered your clean copper clappers kept in a closet were copped by Claude Cooper the kleptomaniac from Cleveland. Now, is that about it?"
Carson: "One other thing."
Webb: "What's that?"
Carson: "If I ever catch kleptomaniac Claude Cooper from Cleveland who copped my clean copper clappers kept in the closet..."
Webb: "Yes?"
Carson: "I'll clobber him!"

[gortklattu]

"Stuffin the Turkey..."

[NorCalRepub]

petting the pussy is my fav.........wasn't that Ann Margaret......

[Prince Charles]

Johnny: "It was so cold outside..."

Audience: "How cold was it?"

Johnny: "It was so cold, the politicians had their hands in their own pockets."

[queenkathy]

Oh now that's just too funny. I had such a crush on him when I was 11

[rintense]

Answer: Donald, Benji, and Alexis Carrington
Rips open envelope...
Question: Name a duck, mutt, and a slut.

Obviously from the 80s.

[Lonesome in Massachussets]

Try http://www.snopes.com/radiotv/tv/palmer.asp next time. (Hate to be a killjoy, but Carson was funny enough in real life.)

[countryDon]

"May your only son become a goalie on a nudist hockey team."

[gortklattu]

[conservativebabe]

Not a joke, but who could foget Johnny with the animal guests. Those times made some of the funniest T.V. moments ever.

[Snoopers-868th]

The reference to the Arnold Palmer question is being repeated as true on Fox right now.

[gortklattu]

Carson: May a tse tse fly bite you where it counts

[Kenny500c]

I thought his response was "I bet that really straightens out his putter."

[Ghengis]

Probably the most famous was the quip by Johnny to Zsa Zsa Gabor with her cat.

Except, it didn't really happen.

[speedy]

"May a holy man squat on your fez."

"May a sacred cow leave a night deposit in your front yard."


Karnak foresees the answer -- "Bobby Orr, Bobby Hull, Ed Sullivan." Opens envelope for question: "Name two hockey players and a hockey puck."

And all of it hermetically sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk and Wagnalls porch since noon today.

[ClintonBeGone]

"May you have the income of a Republican and the sex life of a Democrat!"

And that was before Clinton!

[gortklattu]

Some sad news from Australia....the inventor of the boomerang gernade died today...."

laughs


"Does that joke draw a picture, or what?"

[An American In Dairyland]

"Sure. Move the cat".

Zza Zza! I was just thinking about that one! LOL!

[Uncle Hal]

There was a famous exchange with Jane Fonda. I cannot recall it. Does anybody out there remember it?

[SheLion]

This is not a joke, and may the good Lord have mercy on his soul;

Johnny lived to be 79 years old, but Fox News had to let everyone know that Johnny was 'a life long smoker."

Does Fox News actually think that Johnny would have lived forever if he didn't SMOKE???

There was NO reason for Fox News to tell the general public that!

[speedy]

And now back to our teatime matinee -- Doris Day, Aldo Ray, Alice Faye and Spot the Wonder Pigeon in "Gidget Gets A Hickey."

[The Clemson Tiger]

CARNAK: Ghotzbadeh...

ED: Ghotzbadeh!

CARNAK: What do Iranian men prefer to women by night.

[Snoopers-868th]

And the best one: Carol Wayne (also deceased).

[An American In Dairyland]

To paraphrase the old country western song:

'You can give up smoking but your still gonna, still gonna, still gonna die...'

[Snoopers-868th]

And even if you are hit by a truck you will have died BECAUSE you smoked!

[SheLion]

'You can give up smoking but your still gonna, still gonna, still gonna die...'

Exactly. Thank you!

[Lonesome in Massachussets]

According to Snopes Palmer's wife was never on the Carson show, however:

Although this legend is apocryphal in the forms cited above, it may have a kernel of truth to it. When Palmer appeared on Tonight Show (now hosted by Jay Leno) on 11 October 1994, Leno asked him about it:

Leno: . . . apparently Johnny said, "Is there anything your wife does to bring you good luck?"

Palmer: No, Johnny said, "Does your wife kiss your balls before you go to play?" and I said, "I don't even go to bed without pajamas."

Leno: I thought that was a tactful way . . . but thanks for getting right to the point. So we cleared that up. That's like a famous one, like Jack Benny's, "Your money or your life . . . I'm thinking it over." I wanted to find out . . . so it is true?

Palmer: There you've got it. And I don't want to hear about it any more.

So, if there is any truth to this legend at all, the "balls" joke was one deliberately made by Johnny Carson, not one that innocently slipped from the lips of Arnold Palmer or his wife.

[My2Cents]

Carnac: "Catch-22."

Ed: "Catch-22"

Carnac (looking at Ed with distain): "May the fleas of a thousand camels nest in your short."

"Catch-22...What do the Los Angeles Dodgers do with 100 pop flies."

[Snoopers-868th]

You could be right. I have the tapes that were sold on the Carson show. I will have to rewatch them because as I recall, it might be there.

[gortklattu]

I found this on another website:

The segment in which Ed Ames threw a tomahawk at an outline of a human target, the hatchet stuck handle up in the crotch and Johnny ad-libbed, "I didn't even know you were Jewish." The Dragnet-style "Copper Clappers" wordplay bit, with a straight-faced Jack Webb. The scared marmoset that crawled onto Johnny's head and peed on him. The near-masochistic recycling of ukulele oddball Tiny Tim, staging his on-air wedding for 50 million viewers. The actor Jimmy Stewart tearing up while reading a poem about his dog. A man who rendered the national anthem by making flatulent noises with his hands. The winners of a bird-call competition. A loaded Dean Martin secretly tipping cigarette ashes into the cocktail of an oblivious George Gobel. An eccentric old lady who presented her beloved collection of potato chips shaped like faces of celebrities -- when Carson munched blithely on a chip, the woman nearly had a coronary, until he revealed a separate bag behind the desk.

http://archive.salon.com/people/bc/2001/02/20/carson/index1.html

[My2Cents]

Art Fern, "Tea-Time Movie" host, giving directions to whatever business was sponsoring the show: "...Take the Slauson cut off; cut off your Slauson..."

[rintense]

I heard another friend of Johnny's say that he was a life long chain smoker, but was also a fitness freak and a marvelous tennis player.

[My2Cents]

Two words: Ed Ames

[SerpentDove]

I forget the skit, but one character asks Johnny:

"Ubangi?"
"Ubetcha!"

[ProudVet77]

"May a sacred cow leave a night deposit in your front yard."
Also
May the sacred cow leave a holy relic on your lawn.
He did this one deal on a New Years Eve show when it was still in black and white, and Alka Seltza was a sponsor. They had a glass the size of a 50 gallon barrel, and a Alka Seltza tablet the size of an extra large pizza. They dropped in in the glass, and a major burst of foam ensued, flooding the stage. They had totally misjudged just how much foam they would produce.

[StoneColdTaxHater]

The Old Spice Sailor sketch

[Gondring]

Beat me to it... :-)

[Snoopers-868th]

Thanks for the link. I will read it. I have missed him for years and do not watch late-night. I don't care for Leno and Letterman is wayyyy to self-centered.

[Rebelbase]

Smoking causes emphasema? Who have ever thought that.

[My2Cents]

Carson: "It was really hot in So. Calif. today."

Audience: "HOW HOT WAS IT?"

Carson: "It was so hot, musicians were snorting ice cubes."