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Your Favorite Johnny Carson Joke?
Free Republic Vanity Kind-of ^ | 01/23/2005 | gortklattu

Posted on 01/23/2005 11:57:30 AM PST by gortklattu

Just the Jokes, OK?

Johnny: "Sis - Boom - Bah

ED: "Sim - boom - bah

Johnny: What sound does an exploding sheep make?


TOPICS: News/Current Events; Political Humor/Cartoons
KEYWORDS: johnny; johnnycarson
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1 posted on 01/23/2005 11:57:31 AM PST by gortklattu
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To: gortklattu

ED: Sis - boom - bah

oops


2 posted on 01/23/2005 11:58:27 AM PST by gortklattu (As the preacher in Blazing Saddles said "You're on your own.")
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To: gortklattu

"And then mommy's lawyer does to daddy what daddy was doing to the nurse".


3 posted on 01/23/2005 11:59:05 AM PST by discostu (mime is money)
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To: gortklattu

That one still makes me laugh.


4 posted on 01/23/2005 11:59:26 AM PST by junaid
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To: gortklattu

"Sure. Move the cat".


5 posted on 01/23/2005 11:59:39 AM PST by Numbers Guy
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To: gortklattu

Johnny Carson was interviewing the wife of Arnold Palmer.

He asked her if she did anything special for Arnold to give him luck before a tough match.

She replied "I kiss his balls."

Johnny: "I'll bet that makes his putter stand on end !"


6 posted on 01/23/2005 11:59:47 AM PST by jimt
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To: gortklattu

"May you have the income of a Republican and the sex life of a Democrat!"


7 posted on 01/23/2005 12:00:20 PM PST by Clemenza (Europhiles and Monarchists should be purged)
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To: gortklattu

During a week when there was a UFO sighting outbreak during the gas crisis.

"The bad news is that aliens have landed...the good news is that they pee gasoline."


8 posted on 01/23/2005 12:00:30 PM PST by Arkinsaw
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To: gortklattu
"Take the Slawson cutoff until you get to the.........


FORK in the road.

9 posted on 01/23/2005 12:00:42 PM PST by zarf
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To: gortklattu
Webb: "This is the City. Los Angeles, California. Some people rob for pleasure. Some rob because it's there. You never know. My name's Friday, I'm a cop. I was working the day watch out of Robbery when I got a call from the Acme School Bell Company. There'd been a robbery."
Carson: "There's been a robbery."
Webb: "Yes sir, what was it?"
Carson: "My clappers!"
Webb: "Your clappers?"
Carson: "Yeah, you know, those things inside a bell that makes them clang?"
Webb: "The clangers?"
Carson: "That's right, we call them clappers in the business."
Webb: "A clapper caper."
Carson: "What's that?"
Webb: "Nothing sir. Now, can I have the facts? What kind of clappers were stolen on this caper?"
Carson: "They were copper clappers."
Webb: "And where were they kept?"
Carson: "In the closet."
Webb: "Uh huh. You have any ideas who might have taken the copper clappers from the closet?"
Carson: "Well, just one. I fired a man. He swore he'd get even."
Webb: "What was his name?"
Carson: "Claude Cooper"
Webb: "You think he'd..."
Carson: "That's right. I think Claude Cooper copped my copper clappers. Kept in the closet."
Webb: "You know where this Claude Cooper is from?"
Carson: "Yuh. Cleveland"
Webb: "That figures. That figures."
Carson: "What makes it worse, they were clean."
Webb: "Clean copper clappers."
Carson: "That's right."
Webb: "Why do you think Cleveland's Claude Cooper would cop your clean copper clappers kept in your closet?"
Carson: "Only one reason."
Webb: "What's that?"
Carson: "He's a kleptomaniac."
Webb: "Who first discovered the copper clappers were copped?"
Carson: "My cleaning woman, Clara Clifford."
Webb: "That figures. Now let me see if I got the facts straight here. Cleaning woman Clara Clifford discovered your clean copper clappers kept in a closet were copped by Claude Cooper the kleptomaniac from Cleveland. Now, is that about it?"
Carson: "One other thing."
Webb: "What's that?"
Carson: "If I ever catch kleptomaniac Claude Cooper from Cleveland who copped my clean copper clappers kept in the closet..."
Webb: "Yes?"
Carson: "I'll clobber him!"
10 posted on 01/23/2005 12:00:46 PM PST by Cagey
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To: discostu

"Stuffin the Turkey..."


11 posted on 01/23/2005 12:00:59 PM PST by gortklattu (As the preacher in Blazing Saddles said "You're on your own.")
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Comment #12 Removed by Moderator

To: Numbers Guy

petting the pussy is my fav.........wasn't that Ann Margaret......


13 posted on 01/23/2005 12:01:30 PM PST by NorCalRepub
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To: gortklattu
Johnny: "It was so cold outside..."

Audience: "How cold was it?"

Johnny: "It was so cold, the politicians had their hands in their own pockets."

14 posted on 01/23/2005 12:02:09 PM PST by Prince Charles
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To: jimt

Oh now that's just too funny. I had such a crush on him when I was 11


15 posted on 01/23/2005 12:02:09 PM PST by queenkathy (Had a BALL meeting as many of you as I could.)
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To: gortklattu
Answer: Donald, Benji, and Alexis Carrington
Rips open envelope...
Question: Name a duck, mutt, and a slut.

Obviously from the 80s.

16 posted on 01/23/2005 12:02:37 PM PST by rintense
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To: jimt

Try http://www.snopes.com/radiotv/tv/palmer.asp next time. (Hate to be a killjoy, but Carson was funny enough in real life.)


17 posted on 01/23/2005 12:02:39 PM PST by Lonesome in Massachussets (Deadcheck the embeds first.)
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To: gortklattu

"May your only son become a goalie on a nudist hockey team."


18 posted on 01/23/2005 12:02:55 PM PST by countryDon
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To: Battle Axe

19 posted on 01/23/2005 12:03:37 PM PST by gortklattu (As the preacher in Blazing Saddles said "You're on your own.")
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To: gortklattu

Not a joke, but who could foget Johnny with the animal guests. Those times made some of the funniest T.V. moments ever.


20 posted on 01/23/2005 12:03:51 PM PST by conservativebabe
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To: Lonesome in Massachussets

The reference to the Arnold Palmer question is being repeated as true on Fox right now.


21 posted on 01/23/2005 12:04:14 PM PST by Snoopers-868th
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To: countryDon

Carson: May a tse tse fly bite you where it counts


22 posted on 01/23/2005 12:04:28 PM PST by gortklattu (As the preacher in Blazing Saddles said "You're on your own.")
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To: Trout-Mouth

I thought his response was "I bet that really straightens out his putter."


23 posted on 01/23/2005 12:06:51 PM PST by Kenny500c
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To: gortklattu
Probably the most famous was the quip by Johnny to Zsa Zsa Gabor with her cat.

Except, it didn't really happen.

24 posted on 01/23/2005 12:07:13 PM PST by Ghengis
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To: gortklattu

"May a holy man squat on your fez."

"May a sacred cow leave a night deposit in your front yard."


Karnak foresees the answer -- "Bobby Orr, Bobby Hull, Ed Sullivan." Opens envelope for question: "Name two hockey players and a hockey puck."

And all of it hermetically sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk and Wagnalls porch since noon today.


25 posted on 01/23/2005 12:08:05 PM PST by speedy
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To: Clemenza
"May you have the income of a Republican and the sex life of a Democrat!"

And that was before Clinton!

26 posted on 01/23/2005 12:08:30 PM PST by ClintonBeGone (In politics, sometimes it's OK for even a Wolverine to root for a Buckeye win.)
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To: Ghengis

Some sad news from Australia....the inventor of the boomerang gernade died today...."

laughs


"Does that joke draw a picture, or what?"


27 posted on 01/23/2005 12:08:48 PM PST by gortklattu (As the preacher in Blazing Saddles said "You're on your own.")
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To: Numbers Guy

"Sure. Move the cat".

Zza Zza! I was just thinking about that one! LOL!


28 posted on 01/23/2005 12:10:00 PM PST by An American In Dairyland
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To: gortklattu
There was a famous exchange with Jane Fonda. I cannot recall it. Does anybody out there remember it?
29 posted on 01/23/2005 12:10:49 PM PST by Uncle Hal
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To: gortklattu; Just another Joe; Great Dane; Madame Dufarge; Gabz; MeeknMing; steve50; KS Flyover; ...
This is not a joke, and may the good Lord have mercy on his soul;

Johnny lived to be 79 years old, but Fox News had to let everyone know that Johnny was 'a life long smoker."

Does Fox News actually think that Johnny would have lived forever if he didn't SMOKE???

There was NO reason for Fox News to tell the general public that!

30 posted on 01/23/2005 12:11:11 PM PST by SheLion (God bless our military members and keep them safe.)
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To: gortklattu

And now back to our teatime matinee -- Doris Day, Aldo Ray, Alice Faye and Spot the Wonder Pigeon in "Gidget Gets A Hickey."


31 posted on 01/23/2005 12:11:23 PM PST by speedy
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To: gortklattu

CARNAK: Ghotzbadeh...

ED: Ghotzbadeh!

CARNAK: What do Iranian men prefer to women by night.


32 posted on 01/23/2005 12:12:26 PM PST by The Clemson Tiger (Hold That Tiger!)
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To: speedy

And the best one: Carol Wayne (also deceased).


33 posted on 01/23/2005 12:13:08 PM PST by Snoopers-868th
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To: SheLion

To paraphrase the old country western song:

'You can give up smoking but your still gonna, still gonna, still gonna die...'


34 posted on 01/23/2005 12:14:13 PM PST by An American In Dairyland
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To: An American In Dairyland

And even if you are hit by a truck you will have died BECAUSE you smoked!


35 posted on 01/23/2005 12:15:03 PM PST by Snoopers-868th
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To: An American In Dairyland
'You can give up smoking but your still gonna, still gonna, still gonna die...'

Exactly. Thank you!

36 posted on 01/23/2005 12:15:59 PM PST by SheLion (God bless our military members and keep them safe.)
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To: Trout-Mouth
According to Snopes Palmer's wife was never on the Carson show, however:
Although this legend is apocryphal in the forms cited above, it may have a kernel of truth to it. When Palmer appeared on Tonight Show (now hosted by Jay Leno) on 11 October 1994, Leno asked him about it:

Leno: . . . apparently Johnny said, "Is there anything your wife does to bring you good luck?"


Palmer: No, Johnny said, "Does your wife kiss your balls before you go to play?" and I said, "I don't even go to bed without pajamas."

Leno: I thought that was a tactful way . . . but thanks for getting right to the point. So we cleared that up. That's like a famous one, like Jack Benny's, "Your money or your life . . . I'm thinking it over." I wanted to find out . . . so it is true?

Palmer: There you've got it. And I don't want to hear about it any more.

So, if there is any truth to this legend at all, the "balls" joke was one deliberately made by Johnny Carson, not one that innocently slipped from the lips of Arnold Palmer or his wife.

37 posted on 01/23/2005 12:16:04 PM PST by Lonesome in Massachussets (Deadcheck the embeds first.)
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To: gortklattu
Carnac: "Catch-22."

Ed: "Catch-22"

Carnac (looking at Ed with distain): "May the fleas of a thousand camels nest in your short."

"Catch-22...What do the Los Angeles Dodgers do with 100 pop flies."

38 posted on 01/23/2005 12:18:04 PM PST by My2Cents
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To: Lonesome in Massachussets

You could be right. I have the tapes that were sold on the Carson show. I will have to rewatch them because as I recall, it might be there.


39 posted on 01/23/2005 12:18:47 PM PST by Snoopers-868th
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To: Trout-Mouth

I found this on another website:

The segment in which Ed Ames threw a tomahawk at an outline of a human target, the hatchet stuck handle up in the crotch and Johnny ad-libbed, "I didn't even know you were Jewish." The Dragnet-style "Copper Clappers" wordplay bit, with a straight-faced Jack Webb. The scared marmoset that crawled onto Johnny's head and peed on him. The near-masochistic recycling of ukulele oddball Tiny Tim, staging his on-air wedding for 50 million viewers. The actor Jimmy Stewart tearing up while reading a poem about his dog. A man who rendered the national anthem by making flatulent noises with his hands. The winners of a bird-call competition. A loaded Dean Martin secretly tipping cigarette ashes into the cocktail of an oblivious George Gobel. An eccentric old lady who presented her beloved collection of potato chips shaped like faces of celebrities -- when Carson munched blithely on a chip, the woman nearly had a coronary, until he revealed a separate bag behind the desk.

http://archive.salon.com/people/bc/2001/02/20/carson/index1.html


40 posted on 01/23/2005 12:19:44 PM PST by gortklattu (As the preacher in Blazing Saddles said "You're on your own.")
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To: gortklattu

Art Fern, "Tea-Time Movie" host, giving directions to whatever business was sponsoring the show: "...Take the Slauson cut off; cut off your Slauson..."


41 posted on 01/23/2005 12:20:21 PM PST by My2Cents
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To: SheLion

I heard another friend of Johnny's say that he was a life long chain smoker, but was also a fitness freak and a marvelous tennis player.


42 posted on 01/23/2005 12:20:37 PM PST by rintense
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To: gortklattu

Two words: Ed Ames


43 posted on 01/23/2005 12:20:58 PM PST by My2Cents
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To: gortklattu

I forget the skit, but one character asks Johnny:

"Ubangi?"
"Ubetcha!"


44 posted on 01/23/2005 12:22:03 PM PST by SerpentDove
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To: speedy
"May a sacred cow leave a night deposit in your front yard."
Also
May the sacred cow leave a holy relic on your lawn.
He did this one deal on a New Years Eve show when it was still in black and white, and Alka Seltza was a sponsor. They had a glass the size of a 50 gallon barrel, and a Alka Seltza tablet the size of an extra large pizza. They dropped in in the glass, and a major burst of foam ensued, flooding the stage. They had totally misjudged just how much foam they would produce.
45 posted on 01/23/2005 12:22:26 PM PST by ProudVet77 (Survivor of the great blizzard of aught five)
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To: gortklattu

The Old Spice Sailor sketch


46 posted on 01/23/2005 12:22:30 PM PST by StoneColdTaxHater
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To: Lonesome in Massachussets

Beat me to it... :-)


47 posted on 01/23/2005 12:22:48 PM PST by Gondring (They can have my Bill of Rights when they pry it from my cold, dead hands!)
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To: gortklattu

Thanks for the link. I will read it. I have missed him for years and do not watch late-night. I don't care for Leno and Letterman is wayyyy to self-centered.


48 posted on 01/23/2005 12:22:50 PM PST by Snoopers-868th
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To: SheLion

Smoking causes emphasema? Who have ever thought that.


49 posted on 01/23/2005 12:23:06 PM PST by Rebelbase (Who is General Chat?)
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To: Prince Charles
Carson: "It was really hot in So. Calif. today."

Audience: "HOW HOT WAS IT?"

Carson: "It was so hot, musicians were snorting ice cubes."

50 posted on 01/23/2005 12:23:09 PM PST by My2Cents
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