Your Favorite Johnny Carson Joke?

Free Republic Vanity Kind-of ^ | 01/23/2005 | gortklattu

[gortklattu]

Just the Jokes, OK?

Johnny: "Sis - Boom - Bah

ED: "Sim - boom - bah

Johnny: What sound does an exploding sheep make?

[gortklattu]

ED: Sis - boom - bah

oops

[discostu]

"And then mommy's lawyer does to daddy what daddy was doing to the nurse".

[junaid]

That one still makes me laugh.

[Numbers Guy]

"Sure. Move the cat".

[jimt]

Johnny Carson was interviewing the wife of Arnold Palmer.

He asked her if she did anything special for Arnold to give him luck before a tough match.

She replied "I kiss his balls."

Johnny: "I'll bet that makes his putter stand on end !"

[Clemenza]

"May you have the income of a Republican and the sex life of a Democrat!"

[Arkinsaw]

During a week when there was a UFO sighting outbreak during the gas crisis.

"The bad news is that aliens have landed...the good news is that they pee gasoline."

[zarf]

"Take the Slawson cutoff until you get to the.........

FORK in the road.

[Cagey]

Webb: "This is the City. Los Angeles, California. Some people rob for pleasure. Some rob because it's there. You never know. My name's Friday, I'm a cop. I was working the day watch out of Robbery when I got a call from the Acme School Bell Company. There'd been a robbery."
Carson: "There's been a robbery."
Webb: "Yes sir, what was it?"
Carson: "My clappers!"
Webb: "Your clappers?"
Carson: "Yeah, you know, those things inside a bell that makes them clang?"
Webb: "The clangers?"
Carson: "That's right, we call them clappers in the business."
Webb: "A clapper caper."
Carson: "What's that?"
Webb: "Nothing sir. Now, can I have the facts? What kind of clappers were stolen on this caper?"
Carson: "They were copper clappers."
Webb: "And where were they kept?"
Carson: "In the closet."
Webb: "Uh huh. You have any ideas who might have taken the copper clappers from the closet?"
Carson: "Well, just one. I fired a man. He swore he'd get even."
Webb: "What was his name?"
Carson: "Claude Cooper"
Webb: "You think he'd..."
Carson: "That's right. I think Claude Cooper copped my copper clappers. Kept in the closet."
Webb: "You know where this Claude Cooper is from?"
Carson: "Yuh. Cleveland"
Webb: "That figures. That figures."
Carson: "What makes it worse, they were clean."
Webb: "Clean copper clappers."
Carson: "That's right."
Webb: "Why do you think Cleveland's Claude Cooper would cop your clean copper clappers kept in your closet?"
Carson: "Only one reason."
Webb: "What's that?"
Carson: "He's a kleptomaniac."
Webb: "Who first discovered the copper clappers were copped?"
Carson: "My cleaning woman, Clara Clifford."
Webb: "That figures. Now let me see if I got the facts straight here. Cleaning woman Clara Clifford discovered your clean copper clappers kept in a closet were copped by Claude Cooper the kleptomaniac from Cleveland. Now, is that about it?"
Carson: "One other thing."
Webb: "What's that?"
Carson: "If I ever catch kleptomaniac Claude Cooper from Cleveland who copped my clean copper clappers kept in the closet..."
Webb: "Yes?"
Carson: "I'll clobber him!"

[gortklattu]

"Stuffin the Turkey..."

[NorCalRepub]

petting the pussy is my fav.........wasn't that Ann Margaret......

[Prince Charles]

Johnny: "It was so cold outside..."

Audience: "How cold was it?"

Johnny: "It was so cold, the politicians had their hands in their own pockets."

[queenkathy]

Oh now that's just too funny. I had such a crush on him when I was 11

[rintense]

Answer: Donald, Benji, and Alexis Carrington
Rips open envelope...
Question: Name a duck, mutt, and a slut.

Obviously from the 80s.

[Lonesome in Massachussets]

Try http://www.snopes.com/radiotv/tv/palmer.asp next time. (Hate to be a killjoy, but Carson was funny enough in real life.)

[countryDon]

"May your only son become a goalie on a nudist hockey team."

[gortklattu]

[conservativebabe]

Not a joke, but who could foget Johnny with the animal guests. Those times made some of the funniest T.V. moments ever.