Skip to comments.Feline Reactions to Bearded Men
Posted on 02/10/2005 11:24:26 AM PST by vannrox
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Reactions to Bearded Men
Cats were exposed to photographs of bearded men. The beards were of various sizes, shapes, and styles. The cats' responses were recorded and analyzed.
Boone (1958) found inconclusive results in studying feline reactions to clean-shaven men. O'Connor and Brynner (1990) found inconclusive results in studying feline reactions to shaven heads. Quant (1965) found inconclusive results in studying feline reactions to bangs. Seuss (1955) found inconclusive results in studying feline reactions to hats. Ciccone (1986) found inconclusive results in studying feline reactions to hairy legs. Other related studies (Smith/Brothers 1972, Conroy 1987, Schwartzenegger 1983) have since been retracted because the investigators were not able to reproduce their results.
Norquist (1988) performed a series of experiments in which cats were exposed to photographs of Robert Bork (not pictured here), a man whose beard is confined largely to the underside of the jaw. After viewing the Bork photograph, 26% of the cats exhibited paralysis of the legs and body, including the neck. An additional 31% of the cats exposed to the Bork photograph showed other types of severe neurological and/or pulmocardial distress and/or exhibited extremely violent behavior. Because of this, we did not include a photograph of this type of bearded man in our study.
Five photographs were used in the study. The photographs, reproduced here, display a range of different types of bearded men. (As noted above, one type of bearded man was, however, excluded from use in this study.)
The test subjects were female cats, all between the ages of four and six. 214 cats participated in the study. Three cats died during the study, due to causes unrelated to the bearded men. Fifteen cats gave birth while viewing the photographs.
Each cat was exposed to the photographs. One photograph was shown at a time. Each photograph was visible for a span of twenty seconds. The photographs were presented in the same order to each cat.
While each cat was viewing the photographs, it was held by a laboratory assistant. To ensure that the cats were not influenced by stroking or other unconscious cues from the assistant, the assistant was anesthetized prior to each session. The cats' reactions were assessed for changes in pulse rate, respiration, eye dilation, fur shed rate, and qualitative behavior.
The results are presented in Table 1. The quantitative results are average values calculated over the entire feline subject population. The qualitative results are broken out by percentages of the subject population.
Pritchett: + 3%
Fur Shed Rate:
52% attacked photograph; hissing; spitting;
generally agitated behavior.
14% had no visible response.
2% attacked photograph.
1% licked photograph.
94% had no visible response.
79% attacked photograph; hissing; spitting;
generally violent, agitated behavior; chaotic
tail twitch; screeching; incontinence.
2% had no visible response.
7% attacked photograph.
91% had no visible response.
Wiener: (100%) No visible response.
These interpretations are not categorical. They are subject to several obvious qualifications. The most notable are listed below.
Qualification A. This study excluded photographs of men with beards confined largely to the underside of the jaw (see above discussion of Robert Bork). While data are available from studies conducted by other investigators, those studies made use of a different methodology than the one we used in our study. We are therefore hesitant to interpret our findings in light of the "Bork" findings, or vice versa.
Qualification B. This study was conducted with photographs of bearded men. In a future study we intend to investigate feline responses to animate bearded men. A large number of factors might produce significantly different results in the two studies. In particular, there has been speculation that bearded men produce pheromones which could have a significant effect on cats.
The author wishes to thank The MIT Museum Collection for allowing us to use photographs from its Bearded Men Collection and for generously granting permission to reproduce the photographs as part of this research report. Special thanks to Sally Beddow for assistance in selecting appropriate photographs (the Collection includes more than 71,000 photographs of bearded men) and to Warren Seamans and Kathy Thurston. Special thanks also to Lisa Yane for coordinating the scheduling, travel and housing arrangements for the feline subjects and for obtaining medical clearances in connection with anesthetizing the research assistant.
NOTE: After this report was published, the authors continued their research.
A later report (including newly discovered historical photos of cats reacting to Abraham Lincoln, Csar Nicholas, and others) can be seen in the Sept./Oct. 1999 issue (vol. 5, no. 5) of the Annals of Improbable Research.
And still further reports appear in many of the subsequent issues of the magazine.
Also see the report Feline Reactions to Bearded Men of Beard Type #55G.
© Copyright 2001Annals of Improbable Research (AIR)
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Feline Responses to Bearded Men
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What was the point of this???
Trolls must have long dark beards, because the viking kitties do not like them.
And we care about how cats react to beards why?
Well! I always wondered. Another one of life's mysteries solved! :-D
Uh, this is hardly news. In fact, it's hardly anything. Chat, perhaps?
Someone has WAY too much time on their hands.
Well, this was a thorough waste of someone's money.
cats don't like muslims either?
>>Bork was a nominee to the United States Supreme Court. Because of Bork's distinctive beard, his photograph has been used in reaction studies with dogs, rats, and planaria (flatworms) and in bombardment studies with pigeons.
Wow, Academics really don't like Bork.
I have had a beard since 1972. All animals love me. Well, I haven't tried to get friendly with snakes and wild beasts. I'm not like that idiot who thought the could be friends with the bears. One day, his friends had him for the main course and his stupid girlfriend for dessert.
Too much time on my hands t-t-t-t-t-t-t Too much time on my hands t-t-t-t-t-t-t Too much time on my haaa-aaa-ands!
I think it's hilarious. Some people need to retune their sense of humor.
Makes you wonder how much money was spent on this...and exactly "who" couldn't live without this information... ;.)
I wonder how they would react to a bearded lady? ;-)
How about that guy that video taped himself petting the lions? I never did get to see it, but I hear it was hilarious or tragic, depending on what kind of person you are.
I don't like any kind of beard. If one came near me, I would bite and scratch! Meow!
Can't thank you enough for this. In fact, you won't believe this, I awoke with a start this morning wondering how cats react to men with long beards. I was worried that I wouldn't readily find any research on this, in fact I was about to stay home from work today; then came your posting to save the day. Thanks again!!!!
So how much dd we pay for this?
Academia searching for answers to life's most challenging questions. I hope they will also research the sociological implications of pancake bunnies and viking kitties.
I think that was from the earthquake in Memphis.
My cat bite mine Monday evening mmmmmmmmmmmmmm?
(((I don't like any kind of beard. If one came near me, I would bite and scratch! Meow!)))
Now, now, no need to be catty!
I ain't shaving off the goatee!!
Yearrrrowr!!! That is either the sound of a cat fight or Mr. Dean.
Why does everyhing have to have a point? Is there no place for imagination in this world today?
This was probably a Democratic research project, in which case a point is besides the, er...point.
Boone, Patrick, "Cat Reactions to Clean-Shaven Men," in Western Musicology Journal, March/April 1958, vol. 11, no. 2, pp. 4-21.
Ciccone, Madonna Louise, "Feline Responses to Hairy Legs," in Midwestern Sociological Review, January 1986, vol. 32, no. 1, pp 51-79.
Conroy, Gary, "Feline Responses to Ponytails," in Urban Sociology Review, November 25, 1987, vol. 21, no. 36, pp. 302-321.
Norquist, Winthrop Grover, "Feline Reactions to Supreme Court Nominees," in Journal of Feline Forensic Studies, vol. 12, no. 8, August 1988, pp. 437-450.
O'Connor, Sinead, and Brynner, Y., "Feline Responses to Shaven Heads," in Journal of Head Trauma, May 30, 1990, vol. 42, no. 17, pp. 309-324.
Quant, Mary, "Cat Responses to Bangs," in Tonsological Proceedings, May 1965, vol. 3, no. 5, pp. 251-262.
Schwartzenegger, A., "A Study of How Cats Respond to Body Hair," in Mind/Body Review, December 1983, vol. 3, no. 12, pp. 25-108.
Seuss, Doctor, "Feline Responses to Hats," in Veterinary Developmental Studies, July 1955, vol. 32, no. 7, pp. 54-62.
Smith, J., and Brothers, Joyce, "Feline Responses to Healthy Adults," in Health Advice, September 1972, vol. 51, no. 9, pp. 32-33.
Look at their supposed bibliography! Arnold and Madonna are in it?
The truth is cats don't like men with beards ..... unless they happen to live with a man with a beard. Then they don't like men who don't have a beard, unless the man they live with, who has a beard, mistreats them. If they live with a man who mistreats them, then they don't like men at all, and will only respond to a woman. Got it?
Duh, people, it's from the Annals of Improbable Research -- a parody science mag. It's not something we spent tax money on.
One of their articles "How to Build an Atomic Bomb" was found in a Taliban house in Afghanistan, so it's not only FReeper who can be tricked by their stuff.
Did these folks sponsor the book "Why Cats Paint?" :-D
LOL! I will take the beard if it is a choice.
To ensure that the cats were not influenced by stroking or other unconscious cues from the assistant, the assistant was anesthetized prior to each session.
I think this study is bogus and was probably secretly funded by Gillette in order to convince bearded cat owners to buy their products...
If I eat a bagel with peanut butter, and do not carefully remove the remnants from My beard, I am likely to wake up with My cat doing the job for Me. All this seems to prove is that My cat loves peanut butter bagels. He does not do this with pimento cheese bagels.
There must be some conclusion for Me to draw, here, but I am Damned if I can find it, unless it is that some cats love peanut butter.