Posted on 08/19/2006 1:23:39 AM PDT by NotJustAnotherPrettyFace
'Zero Tolerance for People,' Chertoff Says
In a move aimed at further tightening airport security, the Federal Aviation Administration announced today that it would ban all people from flights leaving or entering the United States, effective immediately.
The FAA, which has in the past banned such objects as toenail clippers and hair gel, took the extraordinary step of banning people after the Department of Homeland Security conducted a thorough investigation of previous terror plots.
"We looked at terror plots of the past, and in each and every case, people were involved," said Homeland Security Michael Chertoff at a Washington press briefing. "These new rules send the strong message that the FAA has zero tolerance for people."
Mr. Chertoff said that while banning liquids from flights was a constructive step, the only true solution was to ban people altogether.
"Let's face it, hair gel doesn't kill people," he said. "People kill people."
The Homeland Security Secretary acknowledged that the new rules would curtail Americans' ability to travel, but added, "On the plus side, that will make them easier for us to spy on."
The FAA's ban on people onboard flights raised questions for the nation's airlines, which must now ponder what, if anything, there airplanes will be carrying.
But Davis Logsdon, who studies the airline industry at the University of Minnesota, said that the FAA's crackdown on people could be a "win-win" for the airlines: "Maybe if the airlines don't have people to worry about, they can finally concentrate on getting our luggage to the right destination."
Elsewhere, al-Qaeda disavowed responsibility for a terror plot to make Americans' laptops burst into flames, blaming it instead on Dell.
ROTFLMAO!!! It sounds like something Andy Borowitz at Jewish World Review would come up with.
I have to fly on a plane in a month or so. I hope they'll still let me ;-).
I just heard about the laptop issue yesterday. My laptop is a Dell, so if I spontaneously combust I may not be around for awhile :(
Oh, don't worry, they'll let you.
Of course, you may have have to fly dressed [only] in one of those see-trhu bags that everyone was carrying in London; be handcuffed to your seat for the duration of the flight (don't worry, they will be issuing catheters) and your luggage will probably be flown separately on a military cargo plane guarded by Air Marshals (after all, no longer anything to worry about) and if you are in coach, you will be subjected to continuous Whoppi Goldberg movies to accompany your bag of peanuts and can of diet coke.
As for me, who (USED TO) love to fly and have been flying since Christ was a Corporal (honest, I remember flying on propeller driven aircraft) including thousands of hours as a crew chief in the USAF, I have decided that ONLY under very serious conditions (make that Emergencies) will I ever fly again--unless, that is, someone with a modicum of intelligence and common sense, is appointed to restructure our system to one which is once again, passenger (as opposed to bureaucratic) centered and friendly.
Actually, this reads a lot like the logic people use about guns ... banning guns because all shootings involve guns, we have to ban guns.
All of these ideas are so stupid...the cause of almost all terroism is islam/muslimes/religion of peace....if they would be banned from all air travel....people would not need to stand in long lines...take off their shoes...grannies being strip searched..etc., etc., etc., ad nauseum!!! It is said..."that all muslims are not terrorists....but all terrorists are muslim!"
Is Dr. Logson related to Art Vandelay?
Just tell 'em you are not a people, you are a conservitive.
That should work . . . LOL!
Dr. Logsdon sure seems to be an expert in a lot of different fields!
LOL!!!
I'm sure that type of spoofing was the goal of the writer. Guns don't kill people; people kill people! :-)
My mother-in-law (who is a worrywart by nature) sent me an article about the cell phone battery thing. I told her the one on my new phone never even gets hot to the touch, like my old one did.
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