Posted on 01/04/2008 12:08:52 PM PST by goldstategop
For a conservative, one of the masochistic delights of living in Massachusetts, the bluest of blue states, is listening to all of the cloying candidate ads the pungent political fertilizer being shoveled into New Hampshire via Boston TV and radio stations.
If I hear of another candidate who cares or has courage or vision or supports change, Ill begin cleaning my guns and listening to the voices again.
The other day, I heard a radio spot for the Creature from The Ninth Circle of Hell, sponsored by the American Federation of Teachers.
It consisted of a number of women chattering about the wonders of La Rodham, and what shell do for their children. Education is the key to everything, says one. Im supporting Hillary, another gushes. A third assures us: She really knows whats going on. When she walks in, shes gonna know what a president has to do. (Here, the speaker clearly has confused U.S. president with Reichs chancellor.)
Anyway, I thought: Wouldnt it be peachy if the presidential candidates told us what was really on their (you should pardon the expression) minds.
It might go something like this:
Hillary Ad #1: She couldnt be bothered raising her own kid when Bill was Arkansas governor, they hired a nanny, illegally paid for by the states taxpayers but she wants to tell you how to raise yours. When Hillary says it takes a village, she means a motley crew of social workers, bureaucrats and educrats. Hillary -- She has lots of experience talking about other peoples children.
Hillary Ad #2: Im Hillary Clinton, and Im a power freak. For 30 years, I turned a blind eye to Bills philandering, and even played Tammy Wynette in public, for the power I derived from being first the wife of a governor and then first lady. During Bills White House years, I got a shot at nationalizing health care. Bill even gave me a say in cabinet and judicial appointments. Now, I want to step out from behind the throne and rule in my own right. Arent you getting a little tired of democracy and representative government? Cmon, give me a chance. I promise: Its the last political decision youll ever have to make. Hillary -- for people who want to be told what to do.
Hillary Ad #3: Im Hillary Clinton, and Im better than you. Sometimes Im dazzled by my own brilliance. As long as I can recall, Ive thought of myself as a superior being both intellectually and morally. When Bill and I resided at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., aides were ordered not to look at me when they passed me in the hallway, lest I be sullied by their glances. You should be grateful that Im willing to condescend to rule you, you pathetic peasant. Hillary Clinton Heres looking down at you, kid.
Hillary Ad #4: Hillary here. If youre a rich scoundrel wholl someday need a presidential pardon, open your checkbook to me! Look what Bill and I did in our last weeks in the White House. What we did for Marc Rich (Time Magazine called his pardon One of the Most Notorious Presidential Pardons), we can do for you. Besides, Bill wants a crack at a new crop of White House interns. Billary -- because hormones are a terrible thing to waste.
Hillary Ad #5: Im Hillary Rodham Clinton. If Im elected President, Ill pretend that North Korea isnt developing nuclear weapons, just like Bill. Then, when I can no longer deny the obvious, Ill sign a treaty with Pyongyang, just like Bill. And when Kim Jong-Il violates it, Ill pretend it didnt happen, just like Bill. And, when terrorists attack us, Ill bomb an aspirin factory in the Sudan, just like Bill. And then, Ill disband the army, except for the gay division. And well never go to war again, no matter what anyone does to us. And our children will pick flowers and learn to speak Korean and Farsi.
Hillary Ad #6: With no formal training and having despised capitalism as a student, Hillary turned a $1,000 investment into $100,000 in six months, playing the futures market. Turn the wolf of Wall Street loose on the federal budget.
Hillary Ad #7: Hillary knows how to keep a secret. When Bill was nominated in 1992, the paper shredders at the Rose Law Firm worked day and night. Hillary Clinton, shell make Richard Nixon seem open and candid. Can you say CIA Director James Carville?
Obama Ad #1: Im Barack Obama, and I have less experience than any other serious candidate. Three years ago, as a member of the Illinois legislature, I was taking constituent calls on potholes. But if youre a guilty, white liberal obsessed with race, Im youre man. Barack Obama politically inexperienced, Oprah approved.
Obama Ad #2: Democrats, Im a political powerhouse. In 2004, I achieved the heroic feat of beating Alan Keyes for the Senate in Illinois. I have charisma to spare. And Im really likeable, unlike you-know-who.
Obama Ad #3: To hell with the troops. Lets signal the terrorists that theyve won, by pulling out of Iraq now. The road to victory in the war on terrorism is paved with unilateral surrender. Obama -- for waving the white flag at Al-Qaeda.
Obama Ad #4: Hillary Clinton flip-flopped on the Iraq War. She voted in favor of the resolution authorizing intervention. Now she claims shes against our involvement. Speaking to a veterans group this summer, she said the surge was working in some ways. Hillary is a closet interventionist. Hillary in the White House would mean a continuation of the disastrous Bush/neo-con foreign policy. Hillary has a secret crush on Dick Cheney and writes anonymous mash notes to him almost every day.
Kucinich Ad: It isnt easy getting to the left of Clinton and Obama, but Dennis the Red Dwarf Kucinich has managed to occupy that narrow strip of terrain. If you want a man in the White House who believes in UFOs who might be an extra-terrestrial himself vote Dennis. Besides, if you get tired of looking at him for 4 to 8 years, you can always look at his wife. Dennis Kucinich ugly is as ugly does.
Edwards Ad #1: Im John Edwards and I made a fortune chasing ambulances. If you believe in multi-million dollar verdicts for women who scald themselves holding hot coffee between their knees while driving, support my candidacy. John Edwards in tort lawyers we trust.
Edwards Ad #2: Most men who learn their wife has a recurrence of cancer would alter their career plans to be with her as much as possible and give her all of the support they could. Not the Breck Girl. If you admire blind ambition, vote Edwards in 08.
Romney Ad #1: Im Mitt Romney, and I saw my father, the late Michigan Governor George Romney, march with Martin Luther King for civil rights. I also saw him land on Omaha Beach on D-Day, break through to Bastogne with Patton in the Battle of the Bulge, charge up San Juan Hill with Teddy Roosevelt and save the Union by stopping Picketts charge at Gettysburg. Actually, I didnt literally see him do any of these things. Im speaking metaphorically. Whats the meaning of saw anyway? (See Bill Clintons New Dictionary of the American Language.)
Romney Ad #2: Mitt Romney: He lied to the people of Massachusetts for eight straight years, but hes telling the truth now. You can trust Mitt Romney to say anything to get elected.
Romney Ad #3: Mitt Romney changed his mind on abortion, just like Ronald Reagan. Except, Reagan changed over years, Mitt changed over months. You might say Mitt had an epiphany on the Road to Des Moines. For most of his adult life, Mitt Romney was oblivious to the humanity of the unborn child. But after a mythical encounter with a Harvard stem-cell researcher, his eyes were opened. As a governor and a Senate candidate, Mitt also didnt know what a handgun or an illegal alien was. Mitt Romney he doesnt have a clue.
Romney Ad #4: If Mitt Romney is elected President, he promises to build an electrified fence around his Belmont, Massachusetts home to keep illegal aliens from doing any more yard-work there. Mitt Romney ready to get tough on illegal immigration in his own backyard.
Giuliani Ad #1: Im Rudy Giuliani. I didnt keep my promises to my first two wives -- to love and honor -- but Ill keep my promises to you.
Giuliani Ad #2: Dont ask Rudy Giuliani about his relationship with the Catholic Church. Thats between Rudy and his confessor, even though he doesnt have one. And dont ask him about his relationship with his children, who wont even talk to him. Leave his family out of it! And dont ask him how someone who was proud to be the mayor of a sanctuary city can secure our borders. Any other questions? Dial 1-800-Dont-Ask-Rudy.
Giuliani Ad # 3: Its time for conservatives to get over their obsession with abortion. And what better way to do that than to nominate a candidate who, as mayor, made New York City the abortion capital of America. If youre a Republican whos tired of getting the lions share of religious voters, weve got the solution. Rudy Giuliani got choice?
Huckabee Ad #1: Im Mike Huckabee, and I want to be compassionate with your money. I believe in scholarships for the children of illegal aliens. Its what Jesus would do if he was a member of the National Council of La Raza.
Huckabee Ad #2: Mike Huckabee isnt sure if global warming is man-made. But he still wants a cap on CO-2 emissions, because we have a responsibility to be good stewards of the environment even at the cost of wrecking the economy. Mike Huckabee -- we dont need no stinkin jobs!
Huckabee Ad #3: Mike Huckabee believes in the DC voting rights bill, because minority-pandering and political correctness are more important than the Constitution. Vote Mike, and give the Democratic Party another House seat, and perhaps two Senators down the road, in perpetuity.
Huckabee Ad #4: This is Mike Huckabee. Did you know that Mitt Romney is a member of a satanic cult that thinks the Devil is Jesus second-cousin once removed? Im sorry I said that (wink, wink, nudge, nudge). Mike Huckabee -- because innuendo is a terrible thing to waste.
McCain Ad #1: Hes old. Hes mean. He shouts obscenities at Senate colleagues. Bleep kinder and gentler. Vote McCain.
McCain Ad #2: Im John McCain and I was the chief Senate architect of the amnesty bill. Corporate America needs cheap, peon labor. We cant arrest every illegal in the country; we havent got enough handcuffs. So why try? If Im elected President, Mexico can close its embassy and consulates. Ill represent its interests better. Vote for me, you stupid, racist gringos.
McCain Ad #3: John McCain spent the past two decades pandering to The New York Times. He was hands down the medias favorite Republican. He teamed up with Russ Feingold, a far-left Democrat, to stick it to his own party with the McCain-Feingold Campaign Finance Reform Act., which partially suspends the First Amendment 90 days before a national election and unleashed George Soros in 2006. Bleep party loyalty. Bleep free speech. McCain for President. Im John McCain, and you bet I approve this message, you son of a -----.
Paul Ad: Ron Paul is a knee-jerk isolationist. Ron Paul thinks theres no national defense like no national defense. If you think 9/11 happened because we bombed Iraq for 10 years, if you think by far and away the most powerful lobby in Washington of the bad sort is the Israeli government, if you think heroin and prostitution should be legal, vote Paul. If you believe in black helicopters and CFR conspiracies, vote Ron Paul. If you want the foreign policy of Pat Buchanan with the social policy of Bill Maher, vote Ron Paul. If you dont, his zombie army might get you.
Thompson Ad: Vote for Fred, in solidarity with the millions of Americans suffering from chronic-fatigue syndrome. Im Fred Thompson, and Ill approve this message, as soon as I wake up.
Hillary Ad #8 This is Hillary Clinton, did you know Barack Obama is an addict, a Muslim, a card-carrying member of Al-Qaeda and part of the vast right-wing conspiracy? And if theres one thing which I will not tolerate, its the politics of personal destruction.
Now, isnt this more fun than She really knows whats going on?
"Show me just what Mohammed brought that was new, and there you will find things only evil and inhuman, such as his command to spread by the sword the faith he preached." - Manuel II Palelologus
ROFLMDAO!!! Excellent!
Funny!
Don Feder should write for Jay Leno.
Ping for a column to make you wish you had been a New England YAF member 1n the early 1970s when Don was the elected national YAF director from New England.
Don has hit the nail on the head hasn’t he.
LOLOL
This is very funny.
Too funny!
If this is true it is absolutely repulsive: When Bill and I resided at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., aides were ordered not to look at me when they passed me in the hallway, lest I be sullied by their glances.
Damn - too long for a tagline!
There are so many jewels to choose from. This would make a great bumper sticker!
I've been thinking about changing my tag line to "Hillary '08. Slavery isn't as bad as everyone makes it out to be".
I think the question that has never been answered, to my knowledge, is "Do my country men have a right to vote me into slavery?", whether it be corporal slavery or economic slavery. I say no, violently no. The question becomes, how do you stop it?
Funny....
Hillary’s village = a motley crew of social workers, bureaucrats and educrats.
Sad but true.
newbies-i joined YAF in 1963,but our chapter was decimated by enlistments in the armed forces(we weren’t sit at home neocons) :))
I kinda like our current "status quo" system of free markets where entrepreneurs bring superior products and services to market at competitive prices. I'll be danged if I'll support these FREAKS that support changing it to a Socialist System and Centralized control, etc. Change for change's sake isn't worth a damn if it doesn't IMPROVE things. It's all HOT AIR talkin' points to get folks emotional and none of 'em use their heads.
bump! bump! bump!
Hillary: “It takes a Village Idiot” :)
Lol, Chelsea looks too happy there! In a goofy sorta way..
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.