Posted on 12/23/2008 12:09:15 AM PST by goldstategop
Given our preoccupation with politics and economics, it is easy to forget that for most of us micro issues still play a greater role in our lives. So here are some thoughts that, as heretical as they might sound, have been found extremely helpful, sometimes even marriage-saving, from listeners to my radio show, which features a male-female hour every week.
The subject is one of the most common problems that besets marriages: the wife who is not in the mood and the consequently frustrated and hurt husband.
There are marriages with the opposite problem -- a wife who is frustrated and hurt because her husband is rarely in the mood. But, as important and as destructive as that problem is, it has different causes and different solutions, and is therefore not addressed here. What is addressed is the far more common problem of He wants, she doesn't want.
It is an axiom of contemporary marital life that if a wife is not in the mood, she need not have sex with her husband. Here are some arguments why a woman who loves her husband might want to rethink this axiom.
First, women need to recognize how a man understands a wifes refusal to have sex with him: A husband knows that his wife loves him first and foremost by her willingness to give her body to him. This is rarely the case for women. Few women know their husband loves them because he gives her his body (the idea sounds almost funny). This is, therefore, usually a revelation to a woman. Many women think men's natures are similar to theirs, and this is so different from a woman's nature, that few women know this about men unless told about it.
This is a major reason many husbands clam up. A man whose wife frequently denies him sex will first be hurt, then sad, then angry, then quiet. And most men will never tell their wives why they have become quiet and distant. They are afraid to tell their wives. They are often made to feel ashamed of their male sexual nature, and they are humiliated (indeed emasculated) by feeling that they are reduced to having to beg for sex.
When first told this about men, women generally react in one or more of five ways:
1. You have to be kidding. That certainly isn't my way of knowing if he loves me. There have to be deeper ways than sex for me to show my husband that I love him.
2. If this is true, men really are animals.
3. Not my man. He knows I love him by the kind and loving way I treat him.
4. You have it backwards. If he truly loved me, he wouldnt expect sex when I'm not in the mood.
5. I know this and that's why I rarely say no to sex.
Lets deal with each of these responses.
1. You have to be kidding.
The most common female reaction to hearing about men's sexual nature is incredulity, often followed by denial. These are entirely understandable reactions given how profoundly different -- and how seemingly more primitive -- men's sexual nature is compared to women's.
Incredulity is certainly the reaction most women have when first being told that a man knows he is loved when his wife gives him her body. The idea that the man she is married to, let alone a man whose intelligence she respects, will to any serious extent measure her love of him by such a carnal yardstick strikes many women as absurd and even objectionable.
But the question that should matter to a woman who loves her man is not whether this proposition speaks poorly or well of male nature. It is whether it is true. And it is true beyond anything she can imagine. A woman who often deprives her husband of her body is guaranteed to injure him and to injure the marriage -- no matter what her female friends say, no matter what a sympathetic therapist says, and no matter what her man says. (Very few men will confess to the amount of hurt and eventual anger they experience when repeatedly denied sex).
Of course, there are times when a man must simply refrain from initiating sex out of concern for his wife's physical or emotional condition. And then there are men for whom sex rarely has anything to do with making love or whose frequency of demands are excessive. (What excessive means ought to be determined by the couple before the refusals begin, or continue.) But the fact remains: Your man knows you love him by your willingness to give him your body.
2. If this is true, men really are animals.
Correct. Compared to most women's sexual nature, men's sexual nature is far closer to that of animals. So what? That is the way he is made. Blame God and nature. Telling your husband to control it is a fine idea. But he already does. Every man who is sexually faithful to his wife already engages in daily heroic self-control. He has married knowing he will have to deny his sexual natures desire for variety for the rest of his life. To ask that he also regularly deny himself sex with the one woman in the world with whom he is permitted sex is asking far too much. Deny him enough times and he may try to fill this need with another woman. If he is too moral to ever do that, he will match your sexual withdrawal with emotional and other forms of withdrawal.
3. Not my man.
Many women will argue, understandably, My husband knows I love him. He doesn't need me to have sex with him to know that. And this is especially so when Im too tired or just don't want sex. Anyway, my man only enjoys sex with me when I'm into it, too.
The importance of mutual kindness to a marriage is impossible to overstate. But while necessary, it is not sufficient. Women can understand this by applying the same rule to men. Most women will readily acknowledge that it is certainly not enough for a man to be kind to her. If it were, women would rarely reject kind men as husband material. But as much as a woman wants a kind man, she wants more than that. If a man is, let us say, lacking in ambition or just doesn't want to work hard, few women will love him no matter how kind he is. In fact, most women would happily give up some kindness for hard work and ambition. A kind man with little ambition is not masculine, therefore not desirable to most women.
Likewise, a kind woman who is not sexual with her husband is not feminine. She is a kind roommate.
Furthermore, a woman who denies the man she loves sex is not kind.
4. You have it backward.
Every rational and decent man knows there are times when he should not initiate sex. In a marriage of good communication, a man would either know when those times are or his wife would tell him (and she needs to -- women should not expect men to read their minds. He is her man, not her mother.)
But, to repeat the key point, rejection of sex should happen infrequently. And it should almost never be dependent on mood -- see Part II next week.
5. I know this and that's why I rarely say no to my husband.
This is a wise woman. She knows a sexually fulfilled husband is a happy husband. (At the same time, men need to recognize that complete sexual fulfillment is unattainable in this world.) And because a happy husband loves his wife more, this cycle of love produces a happy home.
In Part II, I will explain in detail why mood should play little or no role in a woman's determining whether she has sex with her husband.
I conclude Part I with this clarification: Everything written here applies under two conditions: 1. The woman is married to a good man. 2. She wants him to be a happy husband. If either condition is not present, nothing written here matters. But if you are a woman who loves your husband, what is written here can be the most important thing you will read concerning your marriage. Because chances are the man you love won't tell you.
“Actually, I disagree. If you have been engaging her all day, she IS, as a matter of fact, ready at the drop of a hat.”
And if you haven’t been engaging her over that period of time, it shouldn’t be surprising if she isn’t ready.
So, basically, we agree.
“It’s just amazing what used to happen when the hat got dropped, and what doesn’t over time. Playing by one set of rules for a couple of years until you snag the guy, then starting to play by a different set after that is not right.”
That’s not my experience, so I wouldn’t know.
I’ve heard women say the same thing in reverse.
“If you think there are reasons why you should be able to say no, then I think you’re cheating yourself more than you know. And you are cheating your husband as well.”
I’m not sure what you’re talking about - you seem to have interpreted something into my posts that were not my intention.
Merry Christmas.
When that topic comes up, I’m sure you’ll have lots to say. For now I’ll stick with the topic here.
“Not being in the mood might be an indicator of real physical exhaustion or even illness from the rat race marathon. A good spouse like Denis Prager might want to get his wife to the Dr.”
Another good point.
Very difficult when she’s plain old tuckered out.
Merry Christmas to you. Take care.
Once again I’m at a loss of what you are talking about.
But I AM extremely sleep deprived right now.
Let’s just strike the last comment from me and let me extend a sincere hope for a joyous season for you and your family.
Get some sleep... ;-)
“I’m not so sure about that. I can be ready at the “drop of the hat” and all it takes is the look in his eyes. Just about everything else can wait for a half hour.”
I hate to quote Oprah, but it’s the first thing that popped into my head...”you go girl!”
okee dokee!
Oh, and Merry Christmas!
And...men think of other things as impressive, than women do.
Cheers!
...oh, and Merry Christmas!
He needs to be aware of her 'distractions'as well... but the fact that when she sees the advance coming, she has a bit of responsibility in allowing herself to be put in the mood,or gettin herself in the mood before the advance [since we all know its comin] and can do much to 'help' him get her motor started [tactfully, of course] unless she simply doesnt care...
probably sounds rambling...communication breakdown...lolol...
I look at sex, very often as I look at running. ( I have ran 5 miles, three to four times a week for nearly twenty five years now)...I rarely feel like doing it, I always feel good having had done it...and it's a great morning when I've done both before breakfast and I know the rest of the day belongs to me! (:
I get your drift - sounds like we agree :)
mark
“Excellent article. Anyone denying the truth to it, is just that—in denial.”
Well it’s ridiculous and I’m not in denial.
What I want first and foremost from my partner is emotional support. Her willing to give her body to me is not at all how I measure the evidence for her love for me. In fact I consider that notion abusive and childish. Dennis Prager often speaks of brain vs. mind... that we have to transcend our baseline desires for something better.
It’s just absolutely stupid for him to say that men measure a woman’s love for him through sex...I’ve never, ever, never, ever, felt more love for a person by making love. That may be the expression of an existing love but it doesn’t create it.
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