Posted on 12/29/2008 11:11:17 PM PST by goldstategop
n Part I, I made the argument that any woman who is married to a good man and who wants a happy marriage ought to consent to at least some form of sexual relations as much as possible. (Men need to understand that intercourse should not necessarily be the goal of every sexual encounter.)
In Part II, I advance the argument that a wife should do so even when she is not in the mood for sexual relations. I am talking about mood, not about times of emotional distress or illness.
Why?
Here are eight reasons for a woman not to allow not being in the mood for sex to determine whether she denies her husband sex.
1. If most women wait until they are in the mood before making love with their husband, many women will be waiting a month or more until they next have sex. When most women are young, and for some older women, spontaneously getting in the mood to have sex with the man they love can easily occur. But for most women, for myriad reasons -- female nature, childhood trauma, not feeling sexy, being preoccupied with some problem, fatigue after a day with the children and/or other work, just not being interested -- there is little comparable to a man’s “out of nowhere,” and seemingly constant, desire for sex.
2. Why would a loving, wise woman allow mood to determine whether or not she will give her husband one of the most important expressions of love she can show him? What else in life, of such significance, do we allow to be governed by mood?
What if your husband woke up one day and announced that he was not in the mood to go to work? If this happened a few times a year, any wife would have sympathy for her hardworking husband. But what if this happened as often as many wives announce that they are not in the mood to have sex? Most women would gradually stop respecting and therefore eventually stop loving such a man.
What woman would love a man who was so governed by feelings and moods that he allowed them to determine whether he would do something as important as go to work? Why do we assume that it is terribly irresponsible for a man to refuse to go to work because he is not in the mood, but a woman can -- indeed, ought to -- refuse sex because she is not in the mood? Why?
This brings us to the next reasons.
3. The baby boom generation elevated feelings to a status higher than codes of behavior. In determining how one ought to act, feelings, not some code higher than one’s feelings, became decisive: “No shoulds, no oughts.” In the case of sex, therefore, the only right time for a wife to have sex with her husband is when she feels like having it. She never “should” have it. But marriage and life are filled with “shoulds.”
4. Thus, in the past generation we have witnessed the demise of the concept of obligation in personal relations. We have been nurtured in a culture of rights, not a culture of obligations. To many women, especially among the best educated, the notion that a woman owes her husband sex seems absurd, if not actually immoral. They have been taught that such a sense of obligation renders her “property.” Of course, the very fact that she can always say “no” -- and that this “no” must be honored -- renders the “property” argument absurd. A woman is not “property” when she feels she owes her husband conjugal relations. She is simply wise enough to recognize that marriages based on mutual obligations -- as opposed to rights alone and certainly as opposed to moods -- are likely to be the best marriages.
5. Partially in response to the historical denigration of women’s worth, since the 1960s, there has been an idealization of women and their feelings. So, if a husband is in the mood for sex and the wife is not, her feelings are deemed of greater significance -- because women’s feelings are of more importance than men’s. One proof is that even if the roles are reversed -- she is in the mood for sex and he is not -- our sympathies again go to the woman and her feelings.
6. Yet another outgrowth of ’60s thinking is the notion that it is “hypocritical” or wrong in some other way to act contrary to one’s feelings. One should always act, post-’60s theory teaches, consistent with one’s feelings. Therefore, many women believe that it would simply be wrong to have sex with their husband when they are not in the mood to. Of course, most women never regard it as hypocritical and rightly regard it as admirable when they meet their child’s or parent’s or friend’s needs when they are not in the mood to do so. They do what is right in those cases, rather than what their mood dictates. Why not apply this attitude to sex with one’s husband? Given how important it is to most husbands, isn’t the payoff -- a happier, more communicative, and loving husband and a happier home -- worth it?
7. Many contemporary women have an almost exclusively romantic notion of sex: It should always be mutually desired and equally satisfying or one should not engage in it. Therefore, if a couple engages in sexual relations when he wants it and she does not, the act is “dehumanizing” and “mechanical.” Now, ideally, every time a husband and wife have sex, they would equally desire it and equally enjoy it. But, given the different sexual natures of men and women, this cannot always be the case. If it is romance a woman seeks -- and she has every reason to seek it -- it would help her to realize how much more romantic her husband and her marriage are likely to be if he is not regularly denied sex, even of the non-romantic variety.
8. In the rest of life, not just in marital sex, it is almost always a poor idea to allow feelings or mood to determine one’s behavior. Far wiser is to use behavior to shape one’s feelings. Act happy no matter what your mood and you will feel happier. Act loving and you will feel more loving. Act religious, no matter how deep your religious doubts, and you will feel more religious. Act generous even if you have a selfish nature, and you will end with a more a generous nature. With regard to virtually anything in life that is good for us, if we wait until we are in the mood to do it, we will wait too long.
The best solution to the problem of a wife not being in the mood is so simple that many women, after thinking about it, react with profound regret that they had not thought of it earlier in their marriage. As one bright and attractive woman in her 50s ruefully said to me, “Had I known this while I was married, he would never have divorced me.”
That solution is for a wife who loves her husband -- if she doesn’t love him, mood is not the problem -- to be guided by her mind, not her mood, in deciding whether to deny her husband sex.
If her husband is a decent man -- if he is not, nothing written here applies -- a woman will be rewarded many times over outside the bedroom (and if her man is smart, inside the bedroom as well) with a happy, open, grateful, loving, and faithful husband. That is a prospect that should get any rational woman into the mood more often.
I am a romantic and I could write a book in response to this article, but I am going to keep it simple and just brag. ;>)
“Until She Walked Into That Room”
I met a beautiful young gal when she was 20. I was 3 years older than her. I had just gotten out of the Army and some folks saw me as a bit of a bad boy. She had been to College and was quite a musician.
She wasn’t the least bit interested in me. I was in love the first time I set eyes on her, but I knew I wasn’t the marrying kind of guy and I didn’t ever want to settle down..ever.
It was like making love just to hear her voice. When I looked into her eyes I couldn’t hardly speak, and when she walked near me.. my knees would feel weak. The skin on her face was so smooth and tan, and her scent was magical, and her lips like a rosebud. Her long flowing brunet hair was the most beautiful I had ever seen and it would flow around as she walked or simply turned her head.
When I was away from her, my stomach would feel sick and it was tough to sleep. For what seemed like an eternity I just couldn’t get her interested in me.
Finally we became friends and then best friends, and just hung out together. I was so proud to just be seen with her. When she walked into any room, all heads turned. Everyone that meets her instantly falls in love with her glowing personality, as it is to this very day.
Well, jumping ahead........ she finally became my bride. That was over 36 years ago.... and we are still newlyweds. To this day, I introduce this wonderful lady as my bride or my best friend.
I guess all that was to work up to saying, when I am in the mood (typical male here) so is she, and when she is... I’m there!
We have successfully raised two great kids and have 7 grandchildren, and although I am getting old, she hasn’t aged. When I look into her eyes, I still see that beautiful 20 year old young lady I met so many wonderful years ago.
We never read a single book on how to make things work.
Maybe it’s because we didn’t know the rules that we managed to make a wonderful life together. Maybe it worked because I have always been a gentleman to her... and she’s alway been such an incredible lady to me.
Funny, when I was young, I wanted to remain a playboy and never settle down.... “until she walked into that room”.
EXACTLY. Even the studly conservative men of FR only seem to find 20-something actresses hot. So if you are over 40 and a woman, where are all these supposed horndog husbands? I know a lot of women that would appreciate Dennis Prager’s voracious appetite. Why does he find only the women who don’t want it?
"Show me just what Mohammed brought that was new, and there you will find things only evil and inhuman, such as his command to spread by the sword the faith he preached." - Manuel II Palelologus
Thats neat, after 25 years I still feel the same way, shes my best friend.
You are the husband from central casting!!! Wow!! Your wife is very lucky.
Ain’t it grand. ;>)
If you treat her right she will treat you right..;)
Look, Dennis has real points here. But what I resent is that he is thinking that all women are like that. SOME are. But there are women out there who would not turn down their man unless the baby was ill or the house was on fire, but the MAN might not be there for her. And Dennis, I assume, is not talking only about 23-yr-old trophy wives (he must be close to 60?).
But it’s always about the neglected HUSBAND. Always.
Yup! I would hate to be a young guy now days looking for a wife.
LOL... She talks like that and I will never understand why.
Are you accepting patients at this time? :)
I was watching an interview on —forgive me — CNN of all things over the weekend where this very subject was being addressed. I got interested because a guy said women are actually MORE sexual than men, but that they get turned off because men put them down so much — or something like that, I’m paraphrasing. Anyway, I got interested because a MAN was saying this — a man who apparently understood women can have voracious sexual appetites,too, but can’t find men who know how to deal with this appropriately.
You really appreciate her and she feels well-loved. Sounds like it goes both ways. Excellent!
Sex should be more than a bodily function. Women don’t want to be merely a physical convenience secured by marriage to be used regularly in that manner. Wooing is the art of conveying to the woman that she is an individual person, worthy of spending time and conversing with. It is also conveying to that woman that she is a sexually exciting female worth flirting with and demonstrating courtship behavior upon. That means a man must approach courtship considering the values and validations of the female from her point of view if he wants to evoke a positive response.
Did this man happen to be goldstategop? He (posting on this thread) seems to get it too.
WORDED THAT UNCLEARLY. a “Good Man” always has a woman who is equally receptive to being made love to by the same.
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