I Need Your BEST Jokes ASAP! Thanks!!

[ChemistCat]

My Mom had knee replacement surgery today and they have her leg hooked up to a machine that is going to move it for her all night long. I have no idea why she's being subjected to THAT torture; it must be necessary though. Despite substantial pain meds, she's pretty miserable.

Since laughter is a powerful curative agent, I'm seeking the funniest jokes out there; hopefully by tomorrow she'll be able to try to distract herself from the pain! One good thing is that she seems to be unable to remember anything that happened five minutes ago, so she can get a lot of mileage out of a few good jokes!

I might add that she is not religious, and many jokes that will offend ME will not offend her in the least. Don't risk being banned though! These are for her, not for me. THANK YOU for jokes, and prayers if you have them too.

I might add that she's VERY much a conservative Republican politically, and shares the FReeper point of view even if she doesn't FReep.

[bluefish]

You know, I've seen this picture a thousand times on FR and had no idea what it was about. For no particular reason, I just realized that it is tourist guy! I figured it was an actual screen capture and hadn't realized that it could have been photoshopped! Is that correct?

[lowbridge]

Bush and Bill Clinton somehow ended up at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Clinton in his chair reached for the aftershave. Clinton was quick to stop him saying, " No thanks, my wife Hillary will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse". The second barber turned to Bush and said "how about you?" Bush replied: "Go ahead, my wife Laura doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

good one :-)

[lowbridge]

You know, I've seen this picture a thousand times on FR and had no idea what it was about. For no particular reason, I just realized that it is tourist guy! I figured it was an actual screen capture and hadn't realized that it could have been photoshopped! Is that correct?

Correct! Using my photoshop I created a Bedrock version of Tourist Guy (took me a whole day) and then I placed him in a pic with Fred and Barney.

Fpr many, many more of my tourist guy pics, go here (only a small handful are pics that were sent to me for my site, 99% of the others are my creation):

http://www.megaone.com/bmovies/touristguy.html

[fuzzthatwuz]

Little Guido was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the sixth one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you? It will give you acne, rot your teeth and make you fat."

Little Guido replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat six candy bars at a time?"

Little Guido answered, "No, he minded his own f'ng business."

[Brewer]

Ok, one medical joke

A doctor walks up to the nurses station, reaches into his shirt pocket for his pen to write a prescription and pulls out a rectal thermometer and says, "Dangit, some @sshole's got my pen"..

[fuzzthatwuz]

Last one, promise!!

An old woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City office building. A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator smelling like expensive perfume, turns to the old woman and says arrogantly,... "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"

The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman and says,... "Channel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destiny and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, she bends over, expelling gas, and says... "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound!!!"

[Stone Mountain]

WHY MEN ARE NOT SECRETARIES

Husband's note on refrigerator to his wife:

Someone from the Guyna College called.
They said Pabst beer is normal.

[stlnative]

Q = WHY ARE THERE NO WALMART STORES IN AFGHANISTAN?

A = BECAUSE THERE ARE ENOUGH "TARGETS" THERE ALREADY!

Sorry... I heard this one at the Thanksgiving table this year! I thought it was funny!

[cake_crumb]

OK...first, thank you FReepers for this HUGE breath-of-fresh air. I'll add a joke before logging off due to the fact that my brain cells are about to reach critical mass:

I guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but a pair of shorts made from clear plastic wrap.

The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can truely see your nuts!"

[Cool Guy]

LOL! Thanks! Good one :)

[Capt. Tom]

Did you hear about the plastic surgeon who hung himself? -Tom

[MrConfettiMan]

A horse walks into a saloon and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"

[QuestionBureaucracy]

Three-legged dog walks into a saloon, says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my Pa."

[Saundra Duffy]

I can't believe you wrote that down for all to see. Hahahahahahahah! For victory & freedom!!!