Posted on 11/27/2001 9:11:11 PM PST by ChemistCat
My Mom had knee replacement surgery today and they have her leg hooked up to a machine that is going to move it for her all night long. I have no idea why she's being subjected to THAT torture; it must be necessary though. Despite substantial pain meds, she's pretty miserable.
Since laughter is a powerful curative agent, I'm seeking the funniest jokes out there; hopefully by tomorrow she'll be able to try to distract herself from the pain! One good thing is that she seems to be unable to remember anything that happened five minutes ago, so she can get a lot of mileage out of a few good jokes!
I might add that she is not religious, and many jokes that will offend ME will not offend her in the least. Don't risk being banned though! These are for her, not for me. THANK YOU for jokes, and prayers if you have them too.
I might add that she's VERY much a conservative Republican politically, and shares the FReeper point of view even if she doesn't FReep.
But they are a very poor young couple, and can barely feed themselves, let alone two babies. So they give the boys up for adoption.
Many years later, Juan decides he want to find out who his birth parents were. After much research, he gets the names and address of his real parents. Juan sends them a letter about himself, along with his picture.
One day, Juan's father finds his wife crying, while staring at the picture of Juan.
"Why are you crying?" asks the husband.
"I wish I had a picture of Amal, to put alongside the picture of Juan", replies the wife.
"But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
:^)
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good = job!
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
Bad cop! No donut!
You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.
I pay your salary!
So, uh, you on the take, or what?
Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around-that's how far ahead of me they are.
What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.
Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.
One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."
The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked as hard as he could in the balls.
The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes.
Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you." The Scotsman said, "You won. You can keep the egg."
* 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman,
* 2 French men and 1 French woman,
* 2 German men and 1 German woman,
* 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman,
* 2 English men and 1 English woman,
* 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman,
* 2 Swedish men and 1 Swedish woman,
and * 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman.
One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere...
The 1st Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman....
The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a "menage a trois"....
The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The 2 Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming.
The 2 Swedish men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while the woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own and the true nature of feminism. But at least it's not snowing and the taxes are low.
The Irish began by dividing their island Northside-Southside and setting up a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture, because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of Coconut-whiskey, but at least they know the English aren't getting any....
So the farmer took Randy back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the henhouse though, he gave Randy a little pep talk. "Randy", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff". And without a word, he strutted into the henhouse.
Randy was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Randy had finished having his way with each hen. But Randy didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace.
Then he went to the pighouse, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out "Stop, Randy, you'll kill yourself". But Randy continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.
Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Randy lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Randy.
The farmer walked up to Randy saying "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you my little buddy".
"Shhhhh" Randy whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer."
What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist? ..........
You can negotiate with the terrorist!
Have you heard that they're starting to use lawyers instead of lab rats in experimentation? Yep. Here's why:
Dan
"Smoking sections in resturants seems a lot like peeing sections in swimming pools."
And this from a smoker!!!
Palestinians Nuke Gay Baby Whales for Jesus
Imagine Hillary as the patient in the following...
ED ZACHARY DISEASE
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date, nor any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her general practitioner recommended that she go see Dr.Chang, the well-known Chinese sex therapist. So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "Ok, take off all your crose." So she did. "Now get down and crawl reery fass to the other side of room." So she did. "Ok, now crawl reery fass back to me." So she did.
Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said, "Your problem vewy bad, you haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see, that why you not haf sex or dates." Confused the woman asked, "What is Ed Zachary Disease?" Dr. Chang replied, "It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your a$$."
Cut the rope.
Absolutely true. Take it from a "physical terrorist" (aka PT) who works with these people. Bless their hearts, they put up with a lot of pain in the beginning, but the results are worth it. The pain is a neccessary part of the process, or else the complications, or trying to fix them, are 100 times worse.
Okay. What do you get when you goose a ghost?
A whole lot of sheet! ;D
Good luck with your recovery and rehab!
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