I Need Your BEST Jokes ASAP! Thanks!!

[ChemistCat]

My Mom had knee replacement surgery today and they have her leg hooked up to a machine that is going to move it for her all night long. I have no idea why she's being subjected to THAT torture; it must be necessary though. Despite substantial pain meds, she's pretty miserable.

Since laughter is a powerful curative agent, I'm seeking the funniest jokes out there; hopefully by tomorrow she'll be able to try to distract herself from the pain! One good thing is that she seems to be unable to remember anything that happened five minutes ago, so she can get a lot of mileage out of a few good jokes!

I might add that she is not religious, and many jokes that will offend ME will not offend her in the least. Don't risk being banned though! These are for her, not for me. THANK YOU for jokes, and prayers if you have them too.

I might add that she's VERY much a conservative Republican politically, and shares the FReeper point of view even if she doesn't FReep.

[Mikey]

Ok here goes.

An old man is sitting at a part bench feeding the pigeons when a really weird looking guy with green and red and orange colored spiked hair sits down next to him.
The old man stops feeding the pigeons and just sits there starring at this guy. A few minutes go by and the weird dude can't take it anymore and he turns to the old man and asks "what the hell are you looking at, haven't you ever done anything strange and wild in your youth?"
The old man tells him yeah, about 25 years or so ago I got really drunk at a party and ended up screwing a parrot and I was just wondering if you were my son.

[Mikey]

You know that all potatoes have eyes. Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, whom they called 'Yam.' Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato, either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the Hard Boiled guys from Ireland and also the greasy guys from France called the French Fries.

And when she went out west, she was to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Gold's, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.

But in spite of all they did for her, one day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw. Tom Brokaw! Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he is just a...

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[GOPJ]

bump

[Fester Chugabrew]

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How does it change many dislexics to take a light bulb?
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[I'm ALL Right!]

You forgot the reference to black people or women. So it really should be:

Nuke Black Female Baby Whales for Jesus.

[arasina]

What's invisible and smells like worms?

Bird farts.

[RedWhiteBlue]

bump for later

[Walkingfeather]

go to your local grocerie store and buy a couple kiddie squirt guns. Have a squirt gun fight in the run. Hit the call the nurse button and do a ambush. It will lift everyones spirits...

[jimfree]

A Rabbi, a chicken, and a gorilla walk into a bar. The bartender said "What is this, some kind of joke?"

[Mad Dawgg]

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified,
well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.

"May I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Natalie," the man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Natalie," was the man's reply. Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled
out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Natalie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Natalie.
Natalie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row...too expensive and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000.

Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Natalie and they went
upstairs.

After their session, Natalie questioned the man. "No one has
ever used me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" She asked. The man replied, "South Carolina"

"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina"
"I know," the man said. "Your father died and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death;
2. Taxes;
3. Being screwed by a lawyer.

[OrioleFan]

Ronald Reagan told this one to Gorbachev:

A Russian goes into the Zil car dealership and orders a new Zil. The dealer says, "Come back and pick up your new Zil ten years from today." The guy says, "OK" and starts to leave. He stops, turns around and asks, "Morning, or afternoon?" The dealer says, "Morning, afternoon. What does it matter?" The guy says, "The plumber is coming in the morning."

[BOBWADE]

My grandfather caught the entire family together and commented that he had seen his doctor and had some bad news. Everyone stopped talking and listened for the details. That is when he said his doctor had examined him and told him that he was going to have to give up half of his sex life. His problem was that he didn't know which half to give up...thinking about it or talking about it.

[shaggy eel]

,,, tell yo momma "best wishes from New Zealand." This one still makes me smile...

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he's wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with a demon...

Demon: Why so glum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. Are you a drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and fresca... we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Gee, that sounds great.
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You know it!
Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie- you're already dead, remember?
Guy: Wow...that's awesome!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble?
Guy: Why, yes I do.
Demon: Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever... If you go Bankrupt...well, you're dead anyhow.
Demon: Do ya do drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean?...
Demon: Yep, that's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want; you're dead who cares! O.D.!!
Guy: WOW !! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!!
Demon: You gay?
Guy: No way!
Demon: "Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays."

[arasina]

A different blonde joke:

There were two blonde guys working for the city. One would dig a hole, the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.

They worked furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing.

So he asked the hole digger, "I appreciate the effort you are putting into your work, but what's the story? You dig a hole and your partner follows behind and fills it up again."

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, normally we are a three-man team, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."

[wafflehouse]

nomination for best joke of thread there.. good one!!

[ChemistCat]

That's amazing!!!! This thread came alive again after two years asleep...very timely. I had a rough day and the reminder of how much FReepers pitch in to help was almost as heartwarming as the jokes were funny!

[Quilla]

Bump for later reading.

[RightOnline]

Re: #35.............literally ROFLMAO!!!.........and YOU owe me a new monitor..............

[knews_hound]

My wife had the same surgery, I hope all goes as well for you as it did us.

So here goes.


Two Arabs are flying over to immigrate to the US. They are argueing whom is going to become the better American.

They get nowhere and finally decide to meet up a year later to settle it once and for all.

The first one say "So you think you can possibly be a better American than I am? Check this out. Yesterday, I drove my Chevy pickup to the ball park where we had a tail gate party, cooked hot dogs and hamburgers and drank Budwiser, then we went in, sang the National Anthem, and sang take me out to the ballpark during the 7th inning stretch. Beat that ! You cant possibly be a better American than that"

The second one say, "oh yeah, thats easy,

*uck you Raghead !"


Cheers,


knews hound

[Fester Chugabrew]

Ha! There are some good ones in here. Hope your Mom's doing okay.