THE SOUTH - LIKE IT OR WE'LL KICK YOUR A$$!

via email | Jan. 12, 2002 | Unknown

[jslade]

The South......Like it or we will kick your ass!

Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

Don't laugh at our Southern names. (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther, Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, etc.) These people have all been known to kick ass.

Don't order a bottle of pop of a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up, or whatever - it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

We know out heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g. Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.

We have plenty of business sense (e.g. Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI Worldcom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g. Carter, Edwards, Duke, Barnes). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We can still kick your ass.

Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.

We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up, spend your money, and get the hell out of here - or we'll kick your ass.

Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're from Ohio. Eat your biscuits like God intended. Don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass. Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.

Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we don't give a damn. Many of us have visited hellholes like Detroit, Chicage, L.A., and D.C., and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Take your ass home before it gets kicked.

Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away, or we'll kick your ass.

Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes have caught fire like scenic Lake Erie once did. Whine about OUR scenic beauty, and we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.

Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say "sir" and "ma'am", hold doors open for others, and offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.

So you think we're quaint or we're losers because most of us like in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or L.A. Make fund of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.

Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here trying to tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot off (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Questions our sacred BBQ, and you'll go home in a pine box -minus your ass.

Y'all have a nice day!

[sweetliberty]

"You know, I actually know what you said."

Me too!!

[Dan from Michigan]

Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we don't give a damn. Many of us have visited hellholes like Detroit, Chicage, L.A., and D.C., and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Take your ass home before it gets kicked.

HEY! DC ain't the North. We don't claim that one.

As for Detroit...it's where the weak are killed and eaten..:D

[gusfortyfiveseventy]

Krispy Kreme Doughnuts.....nuff said

[Dan from Michigan]

They play football in the North?

HELL YEAH we do.

[Dan from Michigan]

don't make fun of the ladies Texas hair, or we will get a rope

As a Yank from the Midwest, I think those that make fun of it should get roped. There are some beautiful ladies in Texas.

[gusfortyfiveseventy]

They do but not very well...lol

[sweetliberty]

Kansas Tourism Council Bulletin: This list of rules will be handed to each person as they enter the state.

1. That slope-shouldered farm boy did more work before breakfast than you'll do all week at the gym. How'd you like to go home and tell your momma you got your butt kicked by a big guy in bib overalls?

2. It's called a 'gravel road.' No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your BMW. I have a four wheel drive because I need it. Drive it or get it out of the way.

3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.

4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get your butt kicked...by our women.

5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13 inch trout you fish for...bait.

6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport.

9. The Jayhawks and the Wildcats are as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks...and a dang sight more fun to watch.

10. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar and a long spoon.

11. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.

12. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.

13. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

14. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks-because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.

15. Yeah, we eat catfish, carp too-and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.

16. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstate 70 goes two ways-35 goes the other two. Pick one.

17. The "Opener" refers to the first day of pheasant season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November. You can get breakfast at the church.

18. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Understand the concept?

19. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish.

20. No, we can't shoot the doves. They're song birds. Okay, even we feel a little stupid about that one. Now, enjoy your visit and then go home

[rwfromkansas]

A lof of us here in the Red states wish the south wasn't in the U.S. also.....so we could JOIN YOU! :)

[PushinTin]

When you start making good Mexican food and Bar B Que. No, BS now Senator I have been there....

[sweetliberty]

"kicked yer ass out, did we?"

ROTFLMBO!!!

[rwfromkansas]

Hot tea is extremely disgusting....I had it once, that was enough. Luckily, I hardly ever see hot tea here in Kansas. Iced tea...now that is good stuff.

[sweetliberty]

You are definitely a yankee if you have to ask "pork or beef!!!!"

[gusfortyfiveseventy]

AMEN! Cant shoot doves? They do taste so good with gravy and grits. I brake for animals! I eat them and wear their skins. If you like exotic dishes try cat the other other white meat.lol

[Dan from Michigan]

you think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."
LOL. Yep. Grilling steaks, ribs or chicken is always barbecuing...don't forget the Open Pit...(Ducking from beer bottles incoming)

you don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
I have a problem with poodles to begin with.

you have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-and-knife show.
I'm from Michigan. The 30-06 is my weaker gun. We got bears and cougars in this state.

you think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
Don't forget the hockey coach and basketball coach...

The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on-ramp on the highway.

Bwhahahah. That's so much fun :D

you've never been to a craft show.
I'm definatly a Yankee.

[ATOMIC_PUNK]

YEA YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF :

• You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
• Your house still has the "WIDE LOAD" sign on the back.
• Your grandfather died and left everything to his widow. But she can't touch it until she's fourteen.
• Non Athletic Sport Created Around Rednecks
• You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
• You think a stock tip is advice on worming' your hogs.
• Your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby as a result of an alien abduction.
• If you can burp and say your name at the same time, you're shur'nuff a redneck.
• You think Possum is "The Other White Meat"
• You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.
• You hooked up with your present girlfriend as a result of a message on the wall of the mens' room at the Flying J Truck Stop.
• The centerpiece on your dining room table is an original signed work by a famous taxidermist.
• You think a quarter horse is a ride out in front of the Wal-Mart.
• You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off it's wheels.
• Your huntin dawg had a litter of puppies in the living room and nobody noticed.
• You think safe sex is a padded headboard.
• You think subdivision is part of a math problem.
• You think there's nothin wrong with incest as long as you keep it in the family.
• Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
• You may be a Redneck if ... You and your dog use the same tree
• You think God looks a lot like Hank Williams, Jr., and heaven looks a lot like Daytona Beach, Florida.
• You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

[sweetliberty]

"I KNOW, I KNOW, hanging head in shame, when we talked earlier and you said BBQ, I know I'm going to get my ass kicked here,I know, but what are you specifically referring to, pork, beef, ??????? Hell, I'm a Yankee"

For your furthur Southern education, particularly when it comes to the appreciation of barbecue:

Q Tips

There are other threads dealing with barbecue and other sacred southern rituals and traditions but most are not for the weak stomach of the yankee.

[Dan from Michigan]

They do where I come from. Our Oline in HIGH SCHOOL ball averaged 260 pounds.

That's what a diet of venison does:D

[Dan from Michigan]

may be a Redneck if ... You and your dog use the same tree

LOL. Sounds like Hunting Camp!!!

[4TheFlag]

you are definitely a yankee

Uhhh, does South Dakota place me in tha category???? LOL

This is BEEF land up here, so we have both BBQ beef and pork??? I didn't know.....

[kansas_goat_roper]

What’s the matter girl, sounds like you got your tit caught in a wringer.

GOAT ROPERS NEED LOVE TOO!!!!