Primary Caregiver Fathers: THE Wave Of The Future

Christianity Today ^ | 11/99 | Kristin Komarnicki

[Z in Oregon]

North American Report/Fatherhood At-Home Dads Gather and Bond

by Kristyn Komarnicki in Des Plaines, Illinois

At a November 21 convention in suburban Chicago, 100 American men gathered to network, listen to experts, and exchange strategies for improving job performance. But any resemblance to corporate America ended there. Dress was casual, the atmosphere noncompetitive, and topics included ways to support working spouses, tips on defusing a two-year-old's temper tantrums, and the desire to see more diaper-changing tables installed in men's restrooms.

Giving voice to the growing ranks of men engaged in full-time fatherhood, the third annual At-Home Dads Convention in Des Plaines, Illinois, affirmed the 1.9 million fathers who are primary caregivers to their children. Bruce Drobeck, a marriage and family therapist, sees such men as pioneers in a world of rapidly changing social structures. With job insecurity on the rise and more women holding well-paying jobs, some families have decided having dad at home is a viable option.

The gathering included numerous Christian men, some of them enthusiastic supporters of Promise Keepers (PK). But some Christian men said they felt excluded from PK because of an emphasis on the father as "head" of the family.

Drobeck praises such movements as Promise Keepers and the National Fatherhood Initiative for encouraging more involvement from fathers, but he says more at-home dads need to acknowledge confidently that fatherhood is their business.

[evolved_rage]

Behold, the "soccer dad" voting block.... mostly the infamous and unemployable white male, with a radio permanently tuned to Rush... (Limbaugh, Lee, Leifson, and Peart...)

[BBT]

I hope this gets lots of response...am interested in hearing other's opinions and experiences with this subject.

[Z in Oregon]

Ditto; please feel free to ping others hereto!

[Z in Oregon]

Behold, the "soccer dad" voting block.... mostly the infamous and unemployable white male, with a radio permanently tuned to Rush... (Limbaugh, Lee, Leifson, and Peart...)

A mild edit to the above.

Rush and Rush...OK, as long as we disclude the band's last CD, which was just white noise.

In any case, a lot of guys are tired of being ignored by politicians...soccer dads need to be a block.

[bigfootbob]

I'm a 15 year stay at home dad. I've enjoyed it because of selfish reasons. My father died when I was 9 and I wanted my kids to have what I missed. I could have made more money than my wife, but we get by.

I can tell you this, I've never felt comfortable talking about my situation with strangers. I read stories like this and I immediately think squishy males. It's a man's world. And we aren't suppose to do this.

The wife on the other hand loves to brag about having a personal chef and housekeeper.

[copycat]

I am becoming a soccer dad Jan 1st. I was laid off from my job, but fortunately, my wife was just hired by the state. Her bene's are way better, and now she's looking to move up to a fulltime position.

I am planning on starting a buisness of my own while I have the chance.

I've had the chance to spend just a few days home during the holidays with our two year old twins, and it's not as easy as it looked.

[Morrigan]

I don't know about everyone else, but I have had a very positive experience with this.

Recently my husband and I decided to take our children out of daycare because of the cost and because we were extremely dissatisfied with the care they were receiving. But, only one of us would be able to work. The question was, who?

It was ultimately decided that he would stay home and I would keep my job. I make far more money than he did, and my income would be enough to support us, even though we do have less money for "fun" things. But that doesn't matter, because our children are so much happier staying at home with Dad. And we can be sure that they are being well taken care of and aren't being taught anything that we would disagree with.

He had a hard time with it at first. My friends and other people we knew viewed this move as him deciding to be a "bum", but it was totally not like that. I asked the naysayers if it was the other way around, would they be calling me a bum? Of course not. It is just a double standard. He even felt like he was being a bum at first. The kids are really the ones that benefit the most. He benefits from it too, because he gets to spend a lot of valuable time with his children. And I benefit from it, because I don't have to clean the house anymore! LOL

[Z in Oregon]

I can tell you this, I've never felt comfortable talking about my situation with strangers. I read stories like this and I immediately think squishy males. It's a man's world. And we aren't suppose to do this.

Which, actually, is one of the cool aspects about bringing such topics to a forum like FR.

The working definition of man in our society has come to disclude clear and present fatherhood. It wasn't always that way.

Stay at home fathers don't talk in a falsetto, or wear frilly pink aprons, or other such "Mr. Mom" characterizations.

Rather, primary caregiver fathers are just that:

Primary caregiver fathers.

Certain sexist sectors of society need to move beyond the notion that clear and present parenting equals female. Not so.

Some men are better primary caregiver parents than some women and vice versa. Each man and each woman has their own level of capability as individuals; this applies to parenting as much as to anything else.

That doesn't mean generic-ness; rather, that on top of their individual level of capability, a father cares for his children as a father. That needs to get ingrained into social facts of manhood.

Yet instead, we see media images of dads that are impossibly incompetent.

[Z in Oregon]

our children are so much happier staying at home with Dad. And we can be sure that they are being well taken care of and aren't being taught anything that we would disagree with. He had a hard time with it at first. My friends and other people we knew viewed this move as him deciding to be a "bum", but it was totally not like that. I asked the naysayers if it was the other way around, would they be calling me a bum? Of course not. It is just a double standard.

Exactly. That double standard can be brought down, just as you did with your local circle.

[hedgetrimmer]

You don't get to mother your children either. Many many women I know that worked and were unable to spend much time with their children regret it very much. You don't notice how much you've missed until the children are graduating from high school. You will hear them reminisce about childhood experiences as they ready for college or to leave home, and you will not be part of them. That HURTS.

[Z in Oregon]

I've had the chance to spend just a few days home during the holidays with our two year old twins, and it's not as easy as it looked.

Clear expectations, memorable routines, a lot of fun and a lot of empathy seem to work as an overall package.

Here's to soccer dads.

America's new voting block.

[crystalk]

Nice work if you can get it. Sheesh.

Better keep the bed made and the porch light on at Mom's place...

once the wives find they can kick these men out, and force them to go to work AND mail the money back to the wife...

that will be the end of this.

[Z in Oregon]

You don't notice how much you've missed until the children are graduating from high school. You will hear them reminisce about childhood experiences as they ready for college or to leave home, and you will not be part of them. That HURTS.

I've hear exactly that from countless guys who went the sole provider route. Yet, they all worry that they aren't supposed to feel all that...even though they definitively do.

[BBT]

Serious question, seeking to learn: Do men as child care providers develop the same sixth sense that I did? You know...the "eyes in the back of your head" sense.

My son in-law is going to be starting this job with a 3 yr. old and a new baby soon. I'm trying to convince myself he can go from rebuilding car engines to handling bathing a 6 week old infant while the 3 yr. old decides to cook popcorn or paint the cat, etc.

[Z in Oregon]

Not necessarily. Ever hear of the primary caregiver standard?

[Morrigan]

Naturally, I wish that I could stay home with my kids, and in a perfect world, I would. We just can't afford it. My husband didn't and wouldn't (with his blue collar skills) be able to support us as well as I can.

I go to work early in the morning so I can get home around three thirty. At that point, I take over. I have weekends off, too, so I take over at that point, as well.

However, working and supporting my family is not only rewarding to them, but it is rewarding for me as well. I feel that we are giving our kids the best of both worlds--they can look to me as an example of how someone should provide for their family, and they can look to Dad as an example of how someone should care for their family.

[Morrigan]

LOL, yes, they do......and they eventually stop gagging when confronted with poopy diapers:)

[madprof98]

In spring of 2000, I retired from college teaching so our newly-adopted daughter could have a full-time parent. My wife has a demanding job, but one that allows her to work mostly from home, so our little girl--now four years old--really has two parents with her most of the time. I love being a stay-at-home dad, and I'd like to say that men can "mother" children as well as women, but we haven't found that to be true. For some kinds of emotional needs, and for not a few practical ones as well, Daddy just doesn't do the trick. Mommy has to put work on hold to intervene. On the other hand, I think our time together has done our little girl a world of good: She is great at both athletics and academics, and she is very comfortable with even the roughest of the boys in her preschool group. I am really proud of Daddy's Girl!