West Wing Parody (Dont't Watch the Show...Read This)

Fair Game ^ | 3-26-03 | Rich Acello

[HoneyBoo]

"The West Wing" Defends America

By Richard Acello

Act I

It's a beautiful day in Washington. President Martin Sheen is reflecting on his recent appointment of Barbra Streisand to the Supreme Court, while thumbing through Bill Clinton's memoir, "How I Won the War Against Terror and Still Found Time to Play Twister." Suddenly, a knock at the door. An aide enters.

Aide: Sorry to interrupt, sir, but a bomb has blown up New York City. Looks like it might be the work of Middle Eastern terrorist extremists! Pres. Sheen: In all fairness, we don't actually know if it was Middle Eastern terrorists, do we? I mean, the bomb didn't actually say "Made in Iraq" or "Greetings from Osama" on it, did it?

Aide: Gee, sir, you're right.

Pres. Sheen: Call a meeting of the United Nations immediately. We'll draft a resolution. Remember that Beatles song, "Say, you want a resolution, we all want to save the world?" Aide: Yes, sir, but there might be a logistical problem, since the U.N is in New York, and…. Pres. Sheen: Damn-these terrorists are diabolical. Why don't you take a brisk stroll with one of the other geek aides down the hallway-do it urgently, like you actually have someplace to go. If you manage to find your way out of the building, get back to me and tell me how you did it.

Act II

Pres. Sheen: Looks like I'll have to call in my secret weapon-Ambassador Jesse Jackson.

Jackson enters Oval Office.

Pres. Sheen: Jesse, I'm in a fix. Religious travelers have allegedly blown up New York City. I say allegedly because we won't know for sure until they're brought before the World Court. But in the meantime, we need to negotiate.

Jackson: I will not hesitate to negotiate. I will bombasticate while you levitate. I keep hope alive on the news at five. I'm on a mission to preclude nuclear fission. But I must earn a commission. Pres. Sheen: Just help yourself to that Hefty bag of cash by the door….

Jackson exits.

Secretary of State Sheryl Crow enters, wearing her "War is not the Answer" T-shirt.

Pres. Sheen: As you may have heard, we've been attacked by peace loving religious pilgrims. We need to intensify our diplomacy.

Sheryl Crow: I'll write a song. I'll call it-um, let's see, "A Song for New York." We'll make it an event. I'll bet I can even get Yoko! We'll all be swaying to the music, showing our concern, flashing the peace sign, and we'll do it right in the heart of Manhattan! Pres. Sheen: There could be a problem doing it in Manhattan.

Sec. Crow: Duh, that's right. Well, in that case, I'm gonna "soak up the sun." Gotta rock on.

Sec. Crow exits. Act III Pres. Sheen addresses the nation: My fellow Americans. As you may have heard, New York was bombed today, and like you, I'm totally bummed. But what we need to ask ourselves is, what did we do to make these fine religious wayfarers from the Middle East so angry? Where did we fail them? Accordingly, I'm sending Ambassador Jesse Jackson to the Middle East for a big kum ba ya and to solicit donations from the mullahs for the Rainbow Coalition. I have also instructed Secretary of State Sheryl Crow to write a Song for New York, which will be recorded with "Artistes Making Statements," including Susan Sarandon, Carrot Top, and Pee Wee Herman! Aide bursts in: Mr. President, looks like there's a bomb headed right for the White House. What should we do, sir? Pres. Sheen: That wasn't in the script. Get me rewrite! Get me rewrite!

Fade to Black.

[HoneyBoo]

For everyone who hates the West Wing -- LOL!

[ricpic]

We must examine the entrails. And speak to the shamen. And watch for a sign. Then a sacri..........

[HoneyBoo]

uh, what exactly do you mean by that?

[Happy2BMe]

I voted for Saddam and all I got was this bloody T-Shirt!

Act III

Pres. Sheen addresses the nation: My fellow Americans. As you may have heard, New York was bombed today, and like you, I'm totally bummed. But what we need to ask ourselves is, what did we do to make these fine religious wayfarers from the Middle East so angry? Where did we fail them? Accordingly, I'm sending Ambassador Jesse Jackson to the Middle East for a big kum ba ya and to solicit donations from the mullahs for the Rainbow Coalition. I have also instructed Secretary of State Sheryl Crow to write a Song for New York, which will be recorded with "Artistes Making Statements," including Susan Sarandon, Carrot Top, and Pee Wee Herman!

Aide bursts in: Mr. President, looks like there's a bomb headed right for the White House. What should we do, sir?

Pres. Sheen: That wasn't in the script. Get me rewrite! Get me rewrite!

[HoneyBoo]

Thanks for clearing that up, I think.

[exDemMom]

I guess I watched about 2 minutes of the first episode of the West Wing. That was how long it took me to determine that it was some lefty's pipe-dream of the perfect Clinton presidency. How disgusting.

If only your parody was real. Then there would be no more episodes of that truly horrific series.