Posted on 03/27/2003 3:35:51 PM PST by AAABEST
Have you been slandered as a racist or a Jew hater lately? Have you been branded a fifth columnist or "with the terrorists" for questioning the wisdom of any aspect of the invasion of Iraq? Have you been viciously attacked by a fanatical swarm of mental midgets and called names for stating your honest views on a particular subject?
If the answer to the above questions are "yes", chances are you have come into contact with what is coming to be known as the "Canadian Conservative." Not to be confused with the authentic, natural or "Organic Conservative", the Canadian Conservative has a trait-set all it's own. Now that we have coined the appropriate nomenclature to describe this species, it stands to reason that there is a need to study and document it's temperament, disposition and other characteristics so as to avoid rubbing up against one.
The name "Canadian Conservative" can be misleading as they are found mostly in the United States inhabiting talk shows, periodicals, trolling in internet forums and blending in with the local fauna. It's a mutation of the "Neo-con" and its known traits are as follows:
Invisible Political Core - You'll never know what cause or political view the Canadian Conservative will claim as it's own at any given moment. One day it could be huge expenditures in government healthcare or education, the next day you'll find one cawing the wonders of women in combat, "family planning" or expensive federal education bills. You may find them extolling the virtues of Americorps, illegal immigration, all sorts of large new bureaucracies and even massive subsidies for the likes of as Ted Turner, Sam Donaldson and farmers who don't grow anything.
Although one might mistake these character traits as those of the well known "Common Liberal" or the "North American Pinko", the Canadian Conservative is in a habitat struggle to overtake the Common Liberal's nesting grounds located amongst the large bureaucracies in Washington DC., so it views the Common Liberal as a natural enemy. The Canadian Conservative is attempting to accomplish this habitat takeover by mimicking the Common Liberal's big government and socialist habits, hoping not to disturb the surrounding flora and fauna.
Extremely Low Intellect and Delusional Tendencies - Canadian Conservatives aren't known for intelligence or rationality. Some seem as if they have just enough neural activity to move their bodies around and perform basic functions. For example. They seem to enjoy being labeled "Neo-cons" even though this term has in the past been viewed (by most) as an insult. They declare imaginary ideological wars on nearby and normally docile Organic Conservatives without provocation. One sub-species the "True Canadian Frumbag" insists on writing juvenile, sophomoric articles in which it uses (what it claims are) emails as empirical evidence to advance this "war". Even though most organisms with an IQ above plant life would realize that it's absurd to present anonymous emails as evidence for anything except that you're on a Viagra or pornography mailing list.
Due to their low intellect, Canadian Conservatives are completely unable to think for themselves, formulate a scientific thought or engage in critical thinking. They take their cues from certain prominently feathered sub species such as the "True Canadian Frumbag" (mentioned above) and the mysterious "Smirking Kristol-Kreep". All sub species seem to take their cues from the "Northeastern Blue-Blooded Bush-Whack" (Note: The Northeastern Blue-Blooded Bush-Whack imitates the "Texas Tap Dancer", but it's deep roots in the state of Maine are a sure way to identify it's origin).
Vindictive Mentality to the Point of Brutality - Organic Conservatives would normally find the above characteristics humorous or even harmless were it not for this particularly niggling trait shared by nearly all Canadian Conservatives. If you're not one of the clan you are to be targeted, destroyed, slandered or even killed. When they bite they may leave a nasty mark that may take the form of a Scarlet Letter. The "Persian Civilianous" whom they are busy saving from themselves, better realize that they are being saved (even though they don't currently feel like they're being saved) and better realize that soon. The Canadian Conservatives aren't known for their patience and are already pondering giving the Persian Civilianous' their comeuppance for not feeling liberated as we speak.
Other characteristics - Canadian Conservatives seem to utterly despise anyone or anything unlike their kind. They paradoxically seem to want to range the entire world but seem to despise and make enemies of every country they come in contact with. They despise every country in Europe except Britain, every country in the Middle East and every country in Asia. Oddly they love every country in South America, Central America, and the Caribbean as they welcome all of their residents to their native land. Organic Conservatives, Classic Conservatives, Old School Conservatives, Paleo-Conservatives, libertarians, Classic Liberals, Constitutionalists and everyone else are to be hated as well.
You may find the Canadian Conservative tearing at portions of the constitution or even the bible depending on it's nutritional needs at any particular time. They seem to have no moral center whatsoever, and have an inherent need to "make it up as they go along" in order to survive. Although the Canadian Conservative is weak minded and shows low EEG activity, if left to their own devices - unchecked - they can be quite dangerous, even brutal when banding together in large groups. While they can be amusing they've proven that they do not have the temperament to be entrusted with too much responsibility. It is up to the other animals in the forest to ensure that this will not be the case in the future.
Nope. Just pinging you to some of my posts as you requested.
I have seen so much stereotyping of Canadians on Free Republic lately that I just assumed this to be just more of the same.
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