Osteen's publicity agent contacted my secretary earlier today, saying that Joel's book sales were down and that he could use a little "free exposure" in order to make his rent payment.
Posted on 05/04/2006 9:14:04 AM PDT by Alex Murphy
This is satire. If you have a problem with satire, STOP READING NOW. If you have a problem with literacy, i.e. you can't read, I'd tell you to STOP READING NOW but I doubt you'd understand me.
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Larry King Live with J-O
(Part of a lost transcript of Larry King Interviewing Joel Osteen)
...
LK: Can animals go to heaven?
JO: Animals can have a good life now. They shouldn't say, "This is just a dog's life." They can be blessed today!
LK: Can you explain the Mormon concept of Holy underwear?
JO: There's better underwear for you today!
LK: No, not "holey." H-O-L-Y.
JO: I don't know that word, but it makes me smile.
LK: Why does God let bad things happen to anybody? Isn't it rude to let someone, let's say, lose an ebay auction or misplace their cell phone? How do you handle meaningless suffering?
JO: Have you ever just smiled at everyone you meet, and thought how much better you feel when you smile? I think that's what God wants us to know, Larry. Smile, and the whole world smiles with you.
LK: When you eat canned corn, do you ever regret it? Or any other vegetables for that matter? What about vegtables?
JO: Vegetables are wonderful. Victoria and I were visiting the store just the other day, and we saw a huge squash. The largest I've ever seen. And we walked by it, and she said "Joel, I believe one day we will have a squash as big as that one, or bigger." I didn't say anything, because I didn't want to speak a word of negativity into her confession. So, a few days later, I was driving past an overturned truck, and I looked inside the trailer, and there was a squash. Three times the size of the one in the store. So I grabbed it, left a copy of my book in payment, and took it to Victoria. We ate it that night, and it was like we were eating our dreams, and we couldn't wait to see what happens next. God wants to bless everyone with a big squash, or a bigger cucumber. Whateve the vegetable happens to be, confess it, and you will have it.
LK: Joel Osteen. The Book is "Your Best Friend's Wife...I mean, Your Best Life Now." We'll be right back.
[Commercial break]
LK: OK we're back with another ten minutes with Joel Osteen. Let's take some calls. Pontiac, Michigan.
Caller: I'm an angry gay man, and I want to know what Joel thinks of me.
LK: Angry gay men. Christians hate them, right?
JO: I think we need to be more positive with angry gay men. We are going to have a hundred thousand people at our church in a few years, Larry, and angry gay men will have their own section, their own ministries, even their own band. I'm not angry. Caller, I'm smiling at you right now.
LK: Munich, Germany. Go ahead.
Caller: There is no God. Do you hear me? No God. So shut up, you big noodle head.
JO: That's the kind of person we enjoy working with the most, Larry. My messages are perfect to help a person like that say "If there is no God, that doesn't mean I still can't have a great life now."
LK: Does God care about the fact that I've been married 23 times? Should I go to hell?
JO: God isn't keeping count of wives, Larry. Just think of God as someone who taps you on the shoulder and says, "Don't tell yourself you aren't good enough for that woman. You are. You can talk to her and she will like you. o ahead."
LK: And if she is, let's say, the wife of my producer?
JO: I have a chapter on that. And the short answer is that we all need to give more. Your producer. His wife, and you. Just live for giving and we will be better off.
LK: Another caller. The International Space Station. Go ahead.
Caller: Your book makes me want to go on a space walk and hurl myself into the sun. It's unbelievably bad. How could you charge for this?
LK: Good call. Do you ever get discouraged? Or on you on strong medication?
JO: No medications, Larry. You just need to start the day with the right kind of thoughts. That's why we start every church service with lots of music and celebration. We're having a good time. And just because my book might make someone want to throw themselves into the sun, we aren't going to get down about it. It won't put the sun out, and you'll be part of the sunshine we enjoy every day.
LK: Rick Warren has sold more books than you, but you're better looking. How do you explain that?
JO: He's a rat bastard, and I'll wipe him off my shoe like doggy doo,
LK: Joel Osteen everybody. The book is "You Bet Your Life Now." After this commercial, Van Til, The BHT's Magic Tail Chasing Dog with his photographs of fire hydrants around the world. Right back.
In Ecclesiasties 2:2, the author complains that laughter is "madness", asking "what does it accomplish?" Psalm 2:4 tells us that God, in heaven, laughs and scoffs at the kings of this earth "in derision". Psalm 37:13 says the Lord laughs at the wicked, for "their day is coming". But for the faithful, Genesis 21:6 tells us that laughter is an appropriate response to God's blessings, Job 8:21 promises laughter for those afflicted by Satan, and Psalm 126:2 says laughter is a sign to unbelieving nations that God has done great things for us. As Christians, we should learn to laugh more.
Mel Brooks (not a Christian) once defined laughter in this way: "Tragedy is me cutting my finger. Comedy is you getting eaten by a lion." Take that for what it's worth.
If you're interested in reading the real Osteen/King interview (being hosted on CNN.com is good enough for a laugh), go here:
http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0506/20/lkl.01.html
Glad you posted the satire warning, because it hits kinda close to home...the squash bit is terrifyingly realistic!
***THIS IS SATIRE. HUMOR.***
How can you tell? It looks just like the Larry King interview I saw a while back.
Ha! Pretty funny...But I'm going to exercise my prophetic giftings now and say that, yea, someone shall be offended by this.
It's still funny stuff, I don't care what you say!
I never heard of this guy til now and suddenly his name is everywhere.
Osteen's publicity agent contacted my secretary earlier today, saying that Joel's book sales were down and that he could use a little "free exposure" in order to make his rent payment.
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