[ Spoof site - Satire ] September 3, 2009 From the Archives: Joel Osteen Reads the Gospels for the F

Last Thursday Joel Osteen, senior pastor of Lakewood “Church” in Houston, Texas revealed to the world that he had recently read the Gospels for the first time during a segment of the MTV Special True Life: I’m Joel Osteen. “Ya know, I decided it was about time I toughed it through all four Gospels. They’re super long but I mean, I am a pastor, right?” Osteen said laughingly in his charming Texan accent. The author of Your Best Life Now, a theological dissertation concerning the Biblical hermeneutic of success, was shocked at the lack of material prosperity present in the words of Jesus. “I tell you what, I don’t get it. Where’s the prosperity in the Gospels? Jesus didn’t own anything really. Not a yacht, not a Merc[edes], or, well, whatever their equivalents were back in the 1600′s when He was alive. What would that be, a carriage? I don’t know. You get my point.” Osteen went on in shock as he described how Jesus told his followers to give up everything and follow Him, rather than telling them to “invest everything wisely in solid mutual funds” or how “being a good steward means being successful in the stock market.” The story of the rich young man was apparently the straw that broke the pastor’s back. “And then, and then, Jesus goes and tells the rich guy to sell everything and give it to the poor? Everything Jesus? Everything? You can’t be serious.”

The experience has completely derailed work on Osteen’s next book Your Bestest Life Now. “What am I supposed to tell people? When God came to Earth, He was poor? Come on. No one is going to buy that,” Osteen said as he dismissively sipped on a Perrier. “If people are going to do this whole ‘Christian’ thing, there’s gotta be something in it for them. And what’s the Gospel offering them? Spiritual wealth? Treasures in Heaven? What does that even mean?” Osteen is also unsure of how to incorporate Jesus’ words regarding the ease with which the wealthy enter heaven: “A camel through the head of a needle? Give me a break. That’d take a miracle.”

In order to avoid any confusion between his writings and the “poverty” of the Gospels, Osteen has decided to have bookstores categorize his books as Christianish rather than just Christian. “See that? See what we did there? We’ve got Christian in there because that’s P.C., but we threw the ‘ish’ on the end so that people know it’s not so Christian that it’s not about money. We dodged a big one here, we really did,” said Osteen.

When I hear about him and people like him, it makes me sick. My mom was dying of cancer and an aunt, who follows Olsteen and other people like him, told her if she just believed she would be healed, she would not die. People around her had to believe too. My mom wanted me to stand with her in faith that God would heal her, so I did. I wanted to tell her so many things and ask her so many things, but that would break the faith chain, so she died without me telling her all I wanted to say. I know God can heal people, but we don't tell Him what do do. He's not a genni in a bootle we can wish upon. The hardest part was my aunt said if my mom had more faith, and if every person around her had more faith...she'd be alive. I was so upset. My aunt really meant to help my mom, but totally bought into the olteens of the world. She had breast cancer and is a 10+ year survivor. She believed she was healed.

I've argued with my aunt several times about why every disciple except John died as a martyr, did they not have enough faith? Why do children die? Because there parents don't have enough faith? Why would God let one person die because of another's lack of faith. He wouldn't. I know God is not like that. The worse part, even my aunt knew and said that my mom had greater faith than most.

She was what a Christian should look like. She got up several times a week at 5am and opened the doors to the church for the women's prayer group to pray for our nation, abortion,....she stood outside abortionist carhartts office and prayed. She was part of angels on wheels. They went into the bad part of town and shared the gospel with the prostitutes, homeless, and children on the streets, bringing cookies and hot drinks. She was part of every event at church. At her funeral there was a letter read from a missionary from china who ran an orphanage. He said over 25 years ago a friend brought him to church with her. He had long hair, was barefoot and smelled of pot. He said this little lady came up to us and welcomed him and insisted he sit in front with her and my dad. He said he never felt such acceptance or love so he continued to come. She brought him a bible and mentored him and his life changed. The letter said a baby girl had been left at the orphanage the day she died, so he named her Amy after my mom.

I know I'm going on and on, but I feel like I have to warn people about prosperity gospel preachers and I wanted to remember my mom. She had so many people and over half 25 and under at her funeral and it was a weekday. A couple of the people who came and told me she regularly brought groceries to them (she did not have much money) A lady who my mom seen at walmart and felt something was wrong walked up to her and asked if she was ok. She wasn't. She eventually lead her to Christ. Many times when were shopping, my mom would be talking to someone, I thought a friend, but it was someone she felt God lead her to. A young man of 22 or so who said she was his Sunday school teacher in the 3rd grade. The church bus picked him up because his parents would never take him. She found out he never got birthday presents and not much at Christmas. So she made every birthday and Christmas special for him and attended his school programs because his parents never did. She was at his high school graduation. He came to see her before she died and he cried and cried on her shoulder. I wish I could have done that, but I was was doing what she asked. Sorry again about going on so long, the anniversary of her death is come soon.

I was so blessed to have her as a mom. We were best friends. I often wonder why God took her when she was doing so much work for Him. I really think it would have really upset her to see what the left has done to this country. Besides, now she doesn't have to pray, she's talking to God face to face. I know she has is having the time of her life and receiving her just rewards.

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