Posted on 12/05/2004 8:31:45 AM PST by nuconvert
Who named these guys Wise Men?
DAVE BARRY
Christmastime is a festive time -- a time of parties and presents and songs that we all love, except for Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, which I for one got tired of in approximately 1958, and which now causes me to dislocate my forefinger stabbing the car-radio button. I prefer traditional Christmas carols, such as Ding Dong Merrily on High. I am not making this carol up. The lyrics are:
''Ding dong merrily on high!''
(Something something something)
I don't know the rest, because I never got past the first line without cracking up. This song used to absolutely slay me and my boyhood friends when we sang it in St. Stephen's Episcopal Church in Armonk, N.Y. And no wonder: It is a well-known axiom of music, discovered in 1783 by Mozart (this was Herb Mozart), that 'there is no such thing as a bad song that has 'ding dong' in the title.'' Other examples are Ding Dong the Witch is Dead and Shama Lama Ding Dong, which is not to be confused with Rama Lama Ding Dong, also an excellent song.
But getting back to Christmas: My point is that, although this is a festive time of year, it can also be a difficult and stressful time for a certain group -- a group whose needs, all too often, are overlooked in our society. That group is: men.
Why is the Christmas season so hard on men? There are many complex reasons, by which I mean: women.
This problem dates back to the very first Christmas. We know from the Bible that the Wise Men showed up in Bethlehem and gave the baby Jesus gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh. Now, gold is always a nice gift, but frankincense and myrrh -- at least according to my dictionary -- are gum resins. Who gives gum resins to a baby?
The answer is: men. The Wise Men, being men, didn't even START shopping for gifts until the last minute, when most of the stores in the greater Bethlehem area were closed for Christmas Eve. The only place still open was Big Stu's House of Myrrh.
So the Wise Men showed up at the manger, handed their baby gifts to Mary, and headed for the eggnog. Mary looked at the gifts -- which were not wrapped, nor were they accompanied by cards -- rolled her eyes, tossed the gum resins to the goats (which ate them) and said: ''Next Christmas, we are going to have some gift-giving RULES.'' But the Wise Men didn't hear her, because by then they were over by the crib trying to teach the Baby Jesus to pull their finger.
This is basically how things stand today. At this point in the Christmas season, your standard woman has already purchased and wrapped thoughtful gifts for approximately 600 people, including her children, her relatives, her friends, her husband's relatives, her co-workers, the children of her friends, relatives of children of her friends, coworkers of friends of her relatives, husbands of her coworkers' relatives' friends, etc. She has also purchased several thoughtful gifts for nobody in particular, so she will not be in the horrifying position of receiving a gift from somebody for whom she does not have a retaliation gift.
In contrast, your standard man, at this point in the Christmas season, has purchased zero gifts. He has not yet gotten around to purchasing an acceptable gift for his wife for LAST Christmas. He did give her something last year, but he could tell by her reaction to it that she had not been dreaming of getting an auto emergency kit, even though it was the deluxe model with booster cables AND an air compressor. Clearly this gift violated an important rule, but the man had no idea what this rule was, and his wife was too upset to tell him.
And now ANOTHER Christmas is looming, and this man, terrified that he will screw up again, has been wracking his brain for gift ideas for his wife. Nothing automotive this time: He won't make THAT mistake again! He's thinking Weed Whacker.
But he's not sure. He's a nervous wreck. A lot of us men are. That's why we buy gifts at the very last minute, or, optionally, never. It's not that we're thoughtless jerks!
Well, OK, thoughtless. But not jerks! We're doing our best to get through a stressful season. So on behalf of all men, I ask all you women to cut us some slack; and accept us for the imperfect beings that we are compared to you; and above all, in the spirit of another great Christmas carol, bring us some figgy pudding.
I too have been married over 30 years. My wife would be happy with anything I come up with. The best gifts are the ones she least expects. I have never been very romantically inclined, actually she would call it romantically challenged. I have always looked upon jewelry as the investment of a fool, but the light that appears in her eyes when I present her with diamonds truly warms my soul. I have done this on very few occasions because of the shock value. It's great! Last year I got her a new coffee maker. I think it's time to surprise her again. I cannot imagine life without her, she truly is the love of my life. (she is not a FReeper but several of our friends are and just in case one of her friends reads this and spills the beans, I'm hoping for a new router.)
That was very sweet. And you said you weren't romantic. :-)
Your tagline is delightful. :o)
And I wish I could take credit for it. :-)
I hope you're breeding. Often.
Only twice. But they're choice.
Yes, LAUGH! darned you! I said - LAUGH! THWACK!
I'm thinking it might have been better dialogue for 'Raphael' as he assaulted Michael Shanks. You offended? Get over yourself! SMACK! It's FUNNNN-NY!
Like so many in this thread - he fancies the IDEA of being the funniest around. Doesn't make him that.
"I ask all you women to cut us some slack; and accept us for the imperfect beings that we are compared to you". I'm not exactly PC. But even I would never say that. You can only get away with that as a joke among groupies - when even a fart is funny. Oh, he's the funniest around. Didn't you smell that? Ha-ha. Otherwise, this stuff is a little too desperate. Ann Coulter - now - I think she has a good sense of humor.
For you trivia buffs, they actually do have real names according to Western tradition: Caspar, Melchior and Balthasar.
Are you Barry's ex-wife?
Why aren't you LAUGHIN? ! Darned! Laugh, you! Every word he writes is a gem. You don't have to tell me (I already read all that . . . well).
My Dad told me that onetime he bought - I'm not making this up - an electric frying pan for Mom, as the old one had worn out. This was a Very Bad Idea (tm) as he found out.
Guys, rule #1 is, if you are in posession of a woman of the high maintenance variety, any gift shall not be a _replacement_, and most especially, any item related to or possibly construed as drudgery or work. Examples: Vacuum Cleaner - Bad. Pearl Necklace - Good. Ironing Board and Iron - Bad, Fur Coat - Good. 64 piece Sears Tool Kit w/ ratcheting screwdriver set - Bad, 64 piece Giarhdelli Chocolate assortment - Good.
You get the idea. Better to hear it here, than from you-know-who.
humor ping
;) thanks for remembering......
Probably.
8) My husband bought a socket set for me last Christmas. Actually, it is a Task Force tool set including wire cutters, sockets, Allen wrenches - everything you could want. It was my fault. I had asked for a hammer, screw driver, and pliers.
Thanks for the ping, very funny.
A roll of duct tape, and you're prepared for anything. 8~)
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