Hate kids? You're not alone

There are 2 billion children running around the planet and five new ones born every second. But don't expect any pink-and-blue congratulations from Adrianne Frost. In fact, the author and comedian would be just as happy if you took every little bugger and muzzled him — on the subway, in stores, in restaurants, churches, parks and, well, everywhere.

"You have every right not to like children who are ill-behaved," says Frost, who puts just about anyone under 3 feet tall in that category. "Just because they're children doesn't mean that it's okay for them to act the way they do. Throughout history, people have said they're a gift from God, but he doesn't have to eat dinner with them."

If it sounds like Frost isn't in the running for the Angelina Jolie mother-of-the-year award, she doesn't apologize. To the contrary, she's the author of the new book, "I Hate Other People's Kids" (Simon Spotlight Entertainment, $9.95) and part of a vocal minority that believes children should be not-seen and not-heard. Especially when they're sitting behind you on a plane.

"I come from a place of intense, severe hatred of kids — I have no maternal instincts whatsoever," agrees comedian Jackie Hoffman, who has made child-loathing part of her act. "It's hard to explain to others because there is such a disgusting worship of kids. One of my friends still hates me because I kicked over her kid's stroller at a birthday party — and the kid wasn't even in it."

True, child worship is as old as gold, frankincense and myrrh. But Frost argues that it reached zealot proportions when baby boomers started procreating, treating their pregnancies like the Second Coming and flashing little Baby on Board signs on their cars. Who would dare think saints could misbehave?

"People used to discipline children more," says Hoffman. "But now this revolting love of them rules the world, this tiptoeing around and asking, 'What do you want?'"

What bugs baby-bashers? Frost counts the ways: Kids who throw tantrums in the aisles of Toys "R" Us or poop in the middle of Pizza Hut; kids who think they're brighter than Beethoven or sexier than Britney; kids who insist on singing in the middle of your romantic dinner-for-two or whining in the middle of your dinner party for 20. And all the parents who think they're totally adorable in their badness.

It's not just self-proclaimed loathers who get riled. Take a walk through the Manhattan Mall on any afternoon, and there's no shortage of moms and dads, aunts and uncles willing to admit they sometimes want to pop other peoples' pests.

"My cousin has a 2-year-old whoalways asks for tea," says Anderson Young of Brooklyn. "But she doesn't really want it. She just takes the bottle and throws it out the window — and her mother just laughs."

"I used to work in day care, and the worst was the boy who went to the bathroom in the teacher's coat closet," says Katie, from the Bronx, who asked that her full name not be used. "We kept saying, 'What's that smell?' And then we found out." "Yesterday, when I went to pick up my daughter, my nephew, who's 2, said to me, 'Hey, s—,'" said a still-shocked Lisa Lee of Hollis. "I said, 'What did you say?' and he just laughed and skedaddled."

What's the solution? Though child psychologists prescribe firmness and consistency as a way to keep troublemakers from becoming tyrants, Frost has other suggestions for training not just kids but their parents, who think they need to emblazon every T-shirt and mug with their kid's likeness; who think it's hilarious when their kid sits on the cat; who think everyone wants to see the video of junior emerging from the womb.

In a word, says Frost, retaliate. Stand next to a store-screamer and scream at the top of your lungs. Trip the kid who keeps bumping into you "accidentally." Laminate your Pap smear and hang it on the fridge. Or photograph the Prada loafers you snagged at 80% off and share the snapshot with strangers.

But don't think it's enough to cleanse the soul of an unrepentant child-loather. "People with kids will say, 'You'll come around,' or 'You don't really hate kids, do you?'" says Hoffman.

How do you tame the baby beast having a four-star meltdown when you're having a quiet dinner with your honey? Or the kid kicking you on the 13-hour flight to Tokyo? Or the one who left a load in his diaper while you're sniffing new perfumes at Bendel's? Some tips from the pros on how to tame them:

* Speak up, gently, but firmly: "I was at a pool years ago, and a little boy was dunking girls' faces in the water," says Alice Sterling Honig, professor emerita of child development at Syracuse University. "I told him to keep his hands to himself. He said, 'Lady, you're not the boss of the pool.' I said, 'Yes, I am. Grownups know the rules to keep you safe.'"

* Divert his attention: Faced with a child who can't stop crying and whining, talk to him — about SpongeBob, about the flowers in the park, about the puppy across the street, about anything but his tantrum. Honig saysit'll distract him from the kvetching. * Massage the meltdown: Freakouts usually mean a tired, overstressed child. "Sometimes, you can say, 'Gee, it's very hard to be with grownups,'" Honig says. In a restaurant, she'll even plop her big, old winter coat on the floor and suggest the weary whiner take a nap.

* Take it outside: You know her: The girl who feels a song coming on just as you're digging into your rare tuna. "Say to her, or her parents,'Do you think the other people in the restaurant want to hear your song? Or do they want to talk to each other?'" Honig says. "If she needs to sing, maybe Daddy can take her outside."

* Mommy sharing: If she knows kids are going to be squeezing onto the sofa with her and her friends, Honig brings out a dreidel and shows the tyke how to use it. And if the child still demands to be the focus of the conversation? "I turn to her and say, 'Alice has been playing with you and reading to you, and now I need to talk to Daddy for a while.'"

* Quit kicking: It's every traveler's nightmare: The kid behind you on the train or plane who won't stop kicking or slamming his tray table. You don't have to seethe and endure it. "I complain," says Manhattan child psychologist Constance Katz. "There's also the option of calling the stewardess. But short of a parent being willing to hold their feet down for the entire flight, it's not going to be a perfect solution."

* Set limits: Maybe you can't do it with other people's kids, but you can make yours more pleasant for other people. "There are very nice, well-meaning parents who are raising very tyrannical, imperious children because they can't tolerate making the child feel frustrated," Katz says. "They resolve not to do something and then weaken in the face of protest. And the more the parent holds out, the more the kid protests." Child's lesson learned: Have a meltdown in Kmart and you will get that new Birthday Bratz. And if you just want to have some harmless fun at the little monster's expense?

* Stare: Especially when they're running wild or laughing themselves silly, author Adrianne Frost suggests perfecting the art of the glare. "Don't avert your gaze until they back away slowly, and then cheerily go back to shopping," she says.

* Warn them: Away from the parents, beckon them over and tell them you'll call Santa, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy and Grandma if they don't shape up. And remember, writes Frost, "Say it with a smile."

* Join in: If the child is screaming and squirming on the floor or clanging the shopping cart, stand next to him and let it rip. Sing at the top of your lungs! Lay on the ground next and scream! Whine that you want your youth back! Says Frost, "I guarantee, they'll be so confused, they'll stop what they're doing."

I disagree. I have two girls. One is an absolute angel in public, and at home. Never made a peep, not even as a newborn. The other was an absolute terror, in public and at home. I rarely took her anywhere until she was about three years old, because I did not want to disturb everyone around us.
However, I guess I am not that ill-mannered, because I had enough sense to leave her home with a sitter or her father until she could behave in public.

Looks like those grandmas are in more need of a swat than the child. What kind of power trip are they on, that they feel so compelled to turn your child against you? Talk about gross disrespect to you and yours. Are they a couple of lefty feminists?

This thread is about misbehaving children but I can't stand "adults" who refuse to be more socially sophisticated than say, a 5-year-old. Who wants to be around people who force a situation where one must either a) sternly rebuke immature behavior, or b) put up with perpetual manipulative BS?

"Do you think this mother removed this monster from the restaurant ... no. I guess she figured it was alright for her child to disrupt everyone's dinner. People started asking for take out boxes to get away from this brat. Sure ruined our dinner."

That is a horrible story but thankfully rare. I don't know a single parent who wouldn't take a kid like that out of the restaurant, of course I don't know a single 7 year old who would act like that in one. A 2 year old maybe, but all of my kids have known from an early age that if they act up they're leaving. The problem is some parents threaten but aren't willing to follow through. It only takes once or twice of hauling your kid out of the restaurant, or actually NOT giving them dessert while every one else gets it, to teach them the lesson. Sure, you miss one or two dinners or have to listen to them whine but you get many, many more pleasant ones in return.

I was parented by fear and though it kept me from misbehaving I don't want my children to fear me-I have few if any pleasant childhood memories. We try to teach our kids that good behavior is rewarded and bad behavior creates its own consequences-not that they should behave well out of fear. That won't serve them well when they are grown and no longer need to fear us.

I guess my comment wouldn't really apply to you, as from what you are describing, you sound like a responsible parent and applied common sense regarding your one daughter. Part of the 'ill mannered kid being the product of the parent' also encompasses the parent that takes no measures to control a difficult child.

I certainly will say there are exceptions to every rule, and there are kids that are just bad without the parents' doings, but the general rule is that bad parenting gives rise to bad kids, and therefore, the parents' fault.

That is a horrible story but thankfully rare. I don't know a single parent who wouldn't take a kid like that out of the restaurant, of course I don't know a single 7 year old who would act like that in one.

I had never before and haven't since witnessed such an incident. I must relay a story.

For a while I was single with 2 young children and we had been invited to a restaurant by my mother. I was really looking forward as it had been a long time since I had been out. Well, both kids proceeded to act up. They would not heed my warnings and I had to leave my meal and escort them out to the car. I was so mad that I was giving both of them swats on their behinds as we made our way to the car. A guy in an apartment building opened up his window and screamed at me to stop spanking my kids. Needless to say I ignored the guy.

Although I thought the kids were acting up because of the recent divorce I could not let them get away with their bad behavior and ruin everyones' meal. They never did that again in a restaurant.

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