Posted on 02/27/2006 10:48:23 AM PST by presidio9
There are 2 billion children running around the planet and five new ones born every second. But don't expect any pink-and-blue congratulations from Adrianne Frost. In fact, the author and comedian would be just as happy if you took every little bugger and muzzled him — on the subway, in stores, in restaurants, churches, parks and, well, everywhere.
Treasonous? Exactly!
"You have every right not to like children who are ill-behaved," says Frost, who puts just about anyone under 3 feet tall in that category. "Just because they're children doesn't mean that it's okay for them to act the way they do. Throughout history, people have said they're a gift from God, but he doesn't have to eat dinner with them."
If it sounds like Frost isn't in the running for the Angelina Jolie mother-of-the-year award, she doesn't apologize. To the contrary, she's the author of the new book, "I Hate Other People's Kids" (Simon Spotlight Entertainment, $9.95) and part of a vocal minority that believes children should be not-seen and not-heard. Especially when they're sitting behind you on a plane.
"I come from a place of intense, severe hatred of kids — I have no maternal instincts whatsoever," agrees comedian Jackie Hoffman, who has made child-loathing part of her act. "It's hard to explain to others because there is such a disgusting worship of kids. One of my friends still hates me because I kicked over her kid's stroller at a birthday party — and the kid wasn't even in it."
True, child worship is as old as gold, frankincense and myrrh. But Frost argues that it reached zealot proportions when baby boomers started procreating, treating their pregnancies like the Second Coming and flashing little Baby on Board signs on their cars. Who would dare think saints could misbehave?
"People used to discipline children more," says Hoffman. "But now this revolting love of them rules the world, this tiptoeing around and asking, 'What do you want?'"
What bugs baby-bashers? Frost counts the ways: Kids who throw tantrums in the aisles of Toys "R" Us or poop in the middle of Pizza Hut; kids who think they're brighter than Beethoven or sexier than Britney; kids who insist on singing in the middle of your romantic dinner-for-two or whining in the middle of your dinner party for 20. And all the parents who think they're totally adorable in their badness.
It's not just self-proclaimed loathers who get riled. Take a walk through the Manhattan Mall on any afternoon, and there's no shortage of moms and dads, aunts and uncles willing to admit they sometimes want to pop other peoples' pests.
"My cousin has a 2-year-old whoalways asks for tea," says Anderson Young of Brooklyn. "But she doesn't really want it. She just takes the bottle and throws it out the window — and her mother just laughs."
"I used to work in day care, and the worst was the boy who went to the bathroom in the teacher's coat closet," says Katie, from the Bronx, who asked that her full name not be used. "We kept saying, 'What's that smell?' And then we found out." "Yesterday, when I went to pick up my daughter, my nephew, who's 2, said to me, 'Hey, s—,'" said a still-shocked Lisa Lee of Hollis. "I said, 'What did you say?' and he just laughed and skedaddled."
What's the solution? Though child psychologists prescribe firmness and consistency as a way to keep troublemakers from becoming tyrants, Frost has other suggestions for training not just kids but their parents, who think they need to emblazon every T-shirt and mug with their kid's likeness; who think it's hilarious when their kid sits on the cat; who think everyone wants to see the video of junior emerging from the womb.
In a word, says Frost, retaliate. Stand next to a store-screamer and scream at the top of your lungs. Trip the kid who keeps bumping into you "accidentally." Laminate your Pap smear and hang it on the fridge. Or photograph the Prada loafers you snagged at 80% off and share the snapshot with strangers.
But don't think it's enough to cleanse the soul of an unrepentant child-loather. "People with kids will say, 'You'll come around,' or 'You don't really hate kids, do you?'" says Hoffman.
"The answer is, Yes, I do."
How to deal
How do you tame the baby beast having a four-star meltdown when you're having a quiet dinner with your honey? Or the kid kicking you on the 13-hour flight to Tokyo? Or the one who left a load in his diaper while you're sniffing new perfumes at Bendel's? Some tips from the pros on how to tame them:
* Speak up, gently, but firmly: "I was at a pool years ago, and a little boy was dunking girls' faces in the water," says Alice Sterling Honig, professor emerita of child development at Syracuse University. "I told him to keep his hands to himself. He said, 'Lady, you're not the boss of the pool.' I said, 'Yes, I am. Grownups know the rules to keep you safe.'"
* Divert his attention: Faced with a child who can't stop crying and whining, talk to him — about SpongeBob, about the flowers in the park, about the puppy across the street, about anything but his tantrum. Honig saysit'll distract him from the kvetching. * Massage the meltdown: Freakouts usually mean a tired, overstressed child. "Sometimes, you can say, 'Gee, it's very hard to be with grownups,'" Honig says. In a restaurant, she'll even plop her big, old winter coat on the floor and suggest the weary whiner take a nap.
* Take it outside: You know her: The girl who feels a song coming on just as you're digging into your rare tuna. "Say to her, or her parents,'Do you think the other people in the restaurant want to hear your song? Or do they want to talk to each other?'" Honig says. "If she needs to sing, maybe Daddy can take her outside."
* Mommy sharing: If she knows kids are going to be squeezing onto the sofa with her and her friends, Honig brings out a dreidel and shows the tyke how to use it. And if the child still demands to be the focus of the conversation? "I turn to her and say, 'Alice has been playing with you and reading to you, and now I need to talk to Daddy for a while.'"
* Quit kicking: It's every traveler's nightmare: The kid behind you on the train or plane who won't stop kicking or slamming his tray table. You don't have to seethe and endure it. "I complain," says Manhattan child psychologist Constance Katz. "There's also the option of calling the stewardess. But short of a parent being willing to hold their feet down for the entire flight, it's not going to be a perfect solution."
* Set limits: Maybe you can't do it with other people's kids, but you can make yours more pleasant for other people. "There are very nice, well-meaning parents who are raising very tyrannical, imperious children because they can't tolerate making the child feel frustrated," Katz says. "They resolve not to do something and then weaken in the face of protest. And the more the parent holds out, the more the kid protests." Child's lesson learned: Have a meltdown in Kmart and you will get that new Birthday Bratz. And if you just want to have some harmless fun at the little monster's expense?
* Stare: Especially when they're running wild or laughing themselves silly, author Adrianne Frost suggests perfecting the art of the glare. "Don't avert your gaze until they back away slowly, and then cheerily go back to shopping," she says.
* Warn them: Away from the parents, beckon them over and tell them you'll call Santa, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy and Grandma if they don't shape up. And remember, writes Frost, "Say it with a smile."
* Join in: If the child is screaming and squirming on the floor or clanging the shopping cart, stand next to him and let it rip. Sing at the top of your lungs! Lay on the ground next and scream! Whine that you want your youth back! Says Frost, "I guarantee, they'll be so confused, they'll stop what they're doing."
Originally published on February 27, 2006
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ROFL! It's hard to imagine what the "right" answer to that question is.
I hate people who hate kids.
the better story here is Grandma getting the gift of you at the age of 48....
As my stepgrandfather was quoted saying as he walked the floor with me at the ripe old age of 61..."Now I understand why God gives babies to young people...
From the mouth of an old formerly bachelor atheist!
Damn. So did my mom, when we were young. Once we outgrew hotwheels and the tracks disappeared through attrition, mom would simply tell dad what we'd done. In graphic detail...
(Just kidding. There's only one person in the world I hate, and as far as I know he's not on this forum).
None taken at all, and I'm very glad that you were quite humored.
Well said WeeGee!!!
Bump
If what you say is true--which I doubt--then 99% of all parents are bad, and the other 1% of kids are zombies or vegetables. Give me a kid with spirit any day.
When they become older, it is the glory of youth to experiment, to think, to question elders and "revealed" truth, to determine their own way with education passed on to them. Kids are extremely good at detecting hypocrisy. Bless them, they keep all of us on our toes.
You have that right. Kids are smarter than some want to admit. I've seen it firsthand, how they manipulate their parents.
They are like adults, they will push the button, to see how far they can go, and what they can get away with. When they discover you are not a pushover, and really are to be taken seriously, they actually respect you more.
I, like you, just love being with children, and the honesty involved. When they love you it is an amazing thing. And, like the Bible says, "From the mouths of Babes," . . . they always tell the truth. No pretensions, no BS. That's why time spent with a child is magical, and a good lesson for any adult.
Paging Charles Darwin...
Whoops! Posted without reading the article. Could you remove that post, please? :D
When I need the mod to do a little foot-removal, I:
1. Hit "abuse" on myself (much faster)
2. Beg AND flatter
;)
If she has no kids of her own and hates other people's kids, what is she doing in a "Toys 'R' Us" store?
I agree that children should be kept out of "Sex Toys 'R' Us"
He he he. :o{)
I agree with the author. I really do not like ill-mannered children. Also ill-mannered adults. But the ill-mannered child is created by the parents, and that is who I put the majority of the blame (and my dislike of) on the most.
Of course it is the parents who re responsible for the children.
I have no problem with telling people behind me with kicking children to control them or else. If the kid kicks (or makes a lot of noise) I don't hesitate to call the flight attendant.
What really ticks me off is when parents sit next to each other and then sit the kid across the aisle from them and next to me. If it wasnt for the fact I don't have to fight with them for arm room, I would probably do something about that as well.
Traveling with babies and small children is an ordeal.
My daughter just came for a whirlwind visit. She lives overseas, brought her 15 month old toddler on a 12-hour international flight to Miami and then New Orleans, then to Texas for a week and then to visit me in Michigan for another week and then back to the Mideast.
On one of her flights, she sat next to a self-described baby hater, who said to her as she took her seat, "Oh no, I hope that little brat doesn't scream for the entire flight!"
About halfway through the flight, the baby-hater was singing and laughing and playing peekaboo with my grandson.
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