Posted on 02/27/2006 10:48:23 AM PST by presidio9
There are 2 billion children running around the planet and five new ones born every second. But don't expect any pink-and-blue congratulations from Adrianne Frost. In fact, the author and comedian would be just as happy if you took every little bugger and muzzled him — on the subway, in stores, in restaurants, churches, parks and, well, everywhere.
Treasonous? Exactly!
"You have every right not to like children who are ill-behaved," says Frost, who puts just about anyone under 3 feet tall in that category. "Just because they're children doesn't mean that it's okay for them to act the way they do. Throughout history, people have said they're a gift from God, but he doesn't have to eat dinner with them."
If it sounds like Frost isn't in the running for the Angelina Jolie mother-of-the-year award, she doesn't apologize. To the contrary, she's the author of the new book, "I Hate Other People's Kids" (Simon Spotlight Entertainment, $9.95) and part of a vocal minority that believes children should be not-seen and not-heard. Especially when they're sitting behind you on a plane.
"I come from a place of intense, severe hatred of kids — I have no maternal instincts whatsoever," agrees comedian Jackie Hoffman, who has made child-loathing part of her act. "It's hard to explain to others because there is such a disgusting worship of kids. One of my friends still hates me because I kicked over her kid's stroller at a birthday party — and the kid wasn't even in it."
True, child worship is as old as gold, frankincense and myrrh. But Frost argues that it reached zealot proportions when baby boomers started procreating, treating their pregnancies like the Second Coming and flashing little Baby on Board signs on their cars. Who would dare think saints could misbehave?
"People used to discipline children more," says Hoffman. "But now this revolting love of them rules the world, this tiptoeing around and asking, 'What do you want?'"
What bugs baby-bashers? Frost counts the ways: Kids who throw tantrums in the aisles of Toys "R" Us or poop in the middle of Pizza Hut; kids who think they're brighter than Beethoven or sexier than Britney; kids who insist on singing in the middle of your romantic dinner-for-two or whining in the middle of your dinner party for 20. And all the parents who think they're totally adorable in their badness.
It's not just self-proclaimed loathers who get riled. Take a walk through the Manhattan Mall on any afternoon, and there's no shortage of moms and dads, aunts and uncles willing to admit they sometimes want to pop other peoples' pests.
"My cousin has a 2-year-old whoalways asks for tea," says Anderson Young of Brooklyn. "But she doesn't really want it. She just takes the bottle and throws it out the window — and her mother just laughs."
"I used to work in day care, and the worst was the boy who went to the bathroom in the teacher's coat closet," says Katie, from the Bronx, who asked that her full name not be used. "We kept saying, 'What's that smell?' And then we found out." "Yesterday, when I went to pick up my daughter, my nephew, who's 2, said to me, 'Hey, s—,'" said a still-shocked Lisa Lee of Hollis. "I said, 'What did you say?' and he just laughed and skedaddled."
What's the solution? Though child psychologists prescribe firmness and consistency as a way to keep troublemakers from becoming tyrants, Frost has other suggestions for training not just kids but their parents, who think they need to emblazon every T-shirt and mug with their kid's likeness; who think it's hilarious when their kid sits on the cat; who think everyone wants to see the video of junior emerging from the womb.
In a word, says Frost, retaliate. Stand next to a store-screamer and scream at the top of your lungs. Trip the kid who keeps bumping into you "accidentally." Laminate your Pap smear and hang it on the fridge. Or photograph the Prada loafers you snagged at 80% off and share the snapshot with strangers.
But don't think it's enough to cleanse the soul of an unrepentant child-loather. "People with kids will say, 'You'll come around,' or 'You don't really hate kids, do you?'" says Hoffman.
"The answer is, Yes, I do."
How to deal
How do you tame the baby beast having a four-star meltdown when you're having a quiet dinner with your honey? Or the kid kicking you on the 13-hour flight to Tokyo? Or the one who left a load in his diaper while you're sniffing new perfumes at Bendel's? Some tips from the pros on how to tame them:
* Speak up, gently, but firmly: "I was at a pool years ago, and a little boy was dunking girls' faces in the water," says Alice Sterling Honig, professor emerita of child development at Syracuse University. "I told him to keep his hands to himself. He said, 'Lady, you're not the boss of the pool.' I said, 'Yes, I am. Grownups know the rules to keep you safe.'"
* Divert his attention: Faced with a child who can't stop crying and whining, talk to him — about SpongeBob, about the flowers in the park, about the puppy across the street, about anything but his tantrum. Honig saysit'll distract him from the kvetching. * Massage the meltdown: Freakouts usually mean a tired, overstressed child. "Sometimes, you can say, 'Gee, it's very hard to be with grownups,'" Honig says. In a restaurant, she'll even plop her big, old winter coat on the floor and suggest the weary whiner take a nap.
* Take it outside: You know her: The girl who feels a song coming on just as you're digging into your rare tuna. "Say to her, or her parents,'Do you think the other people in the restaurant want to hear your song? Or do they want to talk to each other?'" Honig says. "If she needs to sing, maybe Daddy can take her outside."
* Mommy sharing: If she knows kids are going to be squeezing onto the sofa with her and her friends, Honig brings out a dreidel and shows the tyke how to use it. And if the child still demands to be the focus of the conversation? "I turn to her and say, 'Alice has been playing with you and reading to you, and now I need to talk to Daddy for a while.'"
* Quit kicking: It's every traveler's nightmare: The kid behind you on the train or plane who won't stop kicking or slamming his tray table. You don't have to seethe and endure it. "I complain," says Manhattan child psychologist Constance Katz. "There's also the option of calling the stewardess. But short of a parent being willing to hold their feet down for the entire flight, it's not going to be a perfect solution."
* Set limits: Maybe you can't do it with other people's kids, but you can make yours more pleasant for other people. "There are very nice, well-meaning parents who are raising very tyrannical, imperious children because they can't tolerate making the child feel frustrated," Katz says. "They resolve not to do something and then weaken in the face of protest. And the more the parent holds out, the more the kid protests." Child's lesson learned: Have a meltdown in Kmart and you will get that new Birthday Bratz. And if you just want to have some harmless fun at the little monster's expense?
* Stare: Especially when they're running wild or laughing themselves silly, author Adrianne Frost suggests perfecting the art of the glare. "Don't avert your gaze until they back away slowly, and then cheerily go back to shopping," she says.
* Warn them: Away from the parents, beckon them over and tell them you'll call Santa, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy and Grandma if they don't shape up. And remember, writes Frost, "Say it with a smile."
* Join in: If the child is screaming and squirming on the floor or clanging the shopping cart, stand next to him and let it rip. Sing at the top of your lungs! Lay on the ground next and scream! Whine that you want your youth back! Says Frost, "I guarantee, they'll be so confused, they'll stop what they're doing."
Originally published on February 27, 2006
Heck, I think I met him at a party once.
No excuse?
Have you ever had a bi-polar child?
Naw. The 12,500-mile commute would be murder.
I forgot those. Bipolar children should be allowed to do whatever they want. They're special.
This thread's definitely taken a tern for the worse....
"My mother knew she could take all five of us out to a fancy restaurant and we would sit quietly with our hands in our laps.
We knew without a doubt she'd kick the snot out of us if we dared embarrass her in public."
I recall the pinch and twist. Ouch!
Of course, this is the same grandmother that asserts that my brother with the well-behaved kids is too much of a disciplinarian and says nothing about my other brothers brat.
I'm thinking she might like Circus Circus.
Did he show you his tattoo?
It took me a second. Subtle and bad...
You're a genius.
Aw, shucks.... ;-)
I don't have kids, but I have never had a shortage of them. I have cared for more than one woman could physically conceive.
I used to take a cousin's teenaged son fishing and camping a lot. This kid was so well behaved (from age 11-14) he would wash my boat/truck without being asked, just because he was thankful I took the time with him. He wanted to be with me 24/7.
When I'd tell his mother what a good, polite kid he was, she'd stop short of calling me a liar. He was mean, worthless, evil, she said.
I would drive about 70 miles out of my way to include him in a fishing trip. Several times I'd called his Dad (my cousin) and asked if he'd meet me halfway so we could spend more time fishing/camping and less time traveling (these were weekend trips since I worked fulltime during the week).
He refused. Bottom line: This kid's parents gave the boy the finest, most expensive, designer labeled clothes, toys, etc. Their whole emphasis was to BUY him things. That was their definition of good parenting.
But neither had time for him. Spending time with him was too much effort, and got in the way of their pursuit of material wealth.
Another time I saw a woman begging (at Christmas) outside a WalMart, with two young kids who looked so embarassed. I stopped and talked with them, went into the store, bought the boy a rod and reel and tackle box with some tackle, and the girl the particular doll/clothes she said she wanted. I also gave the boy my phone number and agreed to take him fishing.
He did call me, to tell me he couldn't go fishing because his mother's drunken boyfriend had ruined their Christmas, thrown all their gifts and them out of the door. He said they were staying in a domestic violence shelter. I told him to call me any time he wanted to go fishing.
I knew if I gave the mother money the kids wouldn't see it. I still think about that little boy sometimes.
No kid is born bad. They absorb their environment and learn from the adults who bring them into this world. Unfortantely, too many are growing up in horrible situations.
Like I said, parenting would have to be the most challenging job there is. Don't know if I could do a good enough job. I'm happy to enjoy kids' company (and I do often, kids really do love me), but am glad I get to give them back when they become too unmanageable.
Heheh. If you ever get sick of him, send him my way. I love the kiddies :)
Funniest comment yet on the thread :~D
LMAO! Don't think he didn't try.
Takes after his old man, if I do say so myself.
My grandmother ended up with me when she was 48 years old and I was 4 months. I started walking at about 14 months and she just couldnt keep up. So she put me in little pink plastic rollerskates...It was 1954 and I continued to crawl.
One day she looked up the carpeted stair case, and there I was walking up on my roler skates. She stood at the bottom and the maid stood at the top, both breathless, watching me laboor to the top, not daring to break my concentration.
When I reached the top my grandmother said to Alice, Take off the skates.
I walked from that day forward.
That's right. I'd loan you one, but I'm afraid you might take it and head on down to your local Chucky Cheese to restore order among the little savages :)
That wasn't my point. You implied that your little method would work on any child, under any circumstances. It doesn't.
The only thing my son was ever cowed by was a cold shower. It is a bit hard to administer one when out in public. We removed him from the situation when we could. I am sure that there were people condemning us because he LOOKS perfectly normal.
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