The world's funniest joke?

The Scotsman ^ | 10/03/02 | DIANE KING

[Heartlander2]

THE world’s funniest joke was unveiled by scientists today at the end of the largest study of humour ever undertaken.

For the past year people around the world have been invited to judge jokes on an internet site as well as contribute quips of their own.

The LaughLab experiment conducted by psychologist Dr Richard Wiseman, from the University of Hertfordshire, attracted more than 40,000 jokes and almost two million votes.

And the joke which received the highest global rating - submitted by 31-year-old psychiatrist Gurpal Gosall from Manchester - was:

"Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

"The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: ‘My friend is dead! What can I do?’ The operator says: ‘Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.’

"There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: ‘OK, now what?’"

Dr Wiseman said the joke was interesting because it worked across many different countries and appealed to men and women and young and old alike.

"Many of the jokes submitted received higher ratings from certain groups of people, but this one had real universal appeal.

"Also, we find jokes funny for lots of different reasons. They sometimes make us feel superior to others, reduce the emotional impact of anxiety-provoking situations or surprise us because of some kind of incongruity. The hunters joke contained all three elements."

The experiment also revealed wide humour differences between nations.

One intriguing result was Germans - not renowned for their sense of humour - found just about everything funny. They did not express a strong preference for any type of joke.

People from Ireland, the UK, Australia and New Zealand most enjoyed jokes with word plays, such as this one. Patient: "Doctor, I’ve got a strawberry stuck up my bum." Doctor: "I’ve got some cream for that!"

Americans and Canadians preferred jokes where there was a strong sense of superiority - either because a character looks stupid or is made to look stupid.

This was an example of American humour.

Texan: "Where are you from?" Harvard graduate: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."

Texan: "OK, where are you from, jackass?"

Many European countries, such as France, Denmark and Belgium, liked surreal humour. Here is an example: An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another Woof for the same price." "But," the dog replied, "that would make no sense at all."

Europeans also enjoyed jokes that made light of serious topics such as death, illness and marriage.

Dr Wiseman said: "These results are really interesting. It suggests that people from different parts of the world have fundamentally different senses of humour."

Computer analysis of the data also showed that jokes containing 103 words were thought to be especially funny. The winning "hunters" joke was 102 words long.

Many jokes contained references to animals. Jokes mentioning ducks were seen as funnier than other jokes.

The researchers were also able to pinpoint the funniest moment of the year. People found the jokes funniest at 6.03pm on October 7.

Dr Wiseman’s team is launching a book describing their findings today.

[itzmygun]

Commentator: This morning, shortly after eleven o'clock, comedy struck this little house in Dibley Road. Sudden ...violent ... comedy. Police have sealed off the area, and Scotland Yard's crack inspector is with me now.

Inspector: I shall enter the house and attempt to remove the joke. I shall be aided by the sound of sombre music, played on gramophone records, and also by the chanting of laments by the men of Q Division. The atmosphere thus created should protect me in the eventuallity of me reading the joke.

[Grim]

The Americans had just landed a man on the moon and the Soviet politburo called an emergency session.

"Comrades," said party chairman Brezhnev, "the Americans have beaten us in the race land a man on the moon. Do not be discouraged, we can still demonstrate the superiorty of the communist system and top them by landing a man on the sun."

The assembled aparatchiks applaud wildly.

When they settle down one of the cosmonauts present at the meeting raises his hand, "But chairman Brezhnev, if we try land a man on the sun, we'll be burned up."

Stunned silence from the assembly.

Brezhnev replies, "Comrade, do you think that your Politbureau has not already considered that? For that very reason, we have decided to have you land at night."

(more thunderous applause)

[lsee]

Okay, a man walks into a bar with a big frog on his head.
The bartender asks, "Where did you get THAT ugly thing?"
The frog replies, "Don't ask me. It started out as a boil on my butt."

[jaw1964a]

alright. A group of monks decide to start a flower shop. Their Farm animals think this is a terrible idea, so the cows try to talk them out of it, the hogs try, and the ram tries. Finally, the ram's mate succeeds. This just goes to show:


Only Ewe can prevent florist friars.

[nofriendofbills]

actually the funniest joke, according to Monty Python, was written by a man some time ago ... during WWII ...

And do you remember Hitler's response?
My dog has no nose!
Man in crowd: "How does he smell?"
Hitler:Awful!

[null and void]

I dunno...here's my choice:

A duck walks into a pharmacy and asks for a tube of ChapStick.

The clerk asks..."will that be cash, check or charge?"

To which the duck replies,

"Just put it on my bill."

Close:

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck are staying at a fancy hotel.
They enjoy an excellent dinner, several rounds of drinks, dancing and music. They gaze at the stars from the rooftop bar, and decide to retire to their room. A few minutes later they realize that they have forgotten an important item.
Donald gets dressed and goes to the concerge. He discretely whispers "Do you have any condoms?"

The concerge quietly replys "Certainly sir, "Would you prefer cash, or just give me your room number I can put it on your bill."

Donald shouts: "What do you think I am? A PERVERT????"

103 words ;^)

[walkingdead]

I always liked this one:

What do older women have between their breasts that younger women don't?

A bellybutton.

[Bobby777]

ROTFLOL

[walkingdead]

A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country, and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring, "Run....run!"
The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent, "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"

A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams, "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"

The next batter holds his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk. The Scotsman stands up yelling: "R-r-run ya Bahstard, r-r-run!"

All the surrounding fans chuckle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whispers, "He doesn't have to run, he got four balls."

The Scotsman yells even louder, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!"

[Gigantor]

Ham sandwich walks into a bar and say's, 'Give me a beer!'

Bartender: I told you we don't serve food here!

[11B3]

A Texas Cowboy buys a round of drinks for all in the bar and announces, "My Wife has just produced a baby boy weighing 20 pounds!"
Congratulations shower him from all around, and many exclamations of ‘Wow’ are heard. A young woman in the back of the room faints.
Two weeks later, the Cowboy returns to the bar. The bartender notices him and says, "Say, you're the father of the baby that weighed 20 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Fifteen pounds!"
The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "Why? What happened? He weighed 20 pounds at birth."
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirtsleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."

[walkingdead]

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."

The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.

"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"

[walkingdead]

An English professor told her students that there would be no excuse for not showing up for their final exam, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.

A smartass jock in the back of the room asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said, "You can write with your other hand."

[johnb838]

[walkingdead]

Q: How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None, because they never get the house!

[Dead Dog]

Bear says "You ain't in this for the huntin'"

[Go Gordon]

Mickey mouse files for divorce. In court, Mini contests the grounds for the divorce. The judge turns to Mickey and says: "Mr. Mouse, you really aren't entitled to a divorce in the state of Florida because your wife is crazy."

Mickey replied: "Crazy? I never said she was crazy. I said she was f---ing Goofy!"

[Dead Dog]

I probably told you this one, I just posted it on a another thread:

There was this French Vineyard owner, named Pierre.

Pierre was tending to his vines on a spring afternoon
when he notices two people having sex in on his land.

He is immediately torqued off, but then remembers it is Spring, it's beautiful, It's Amore.

So he goes on about his business, but there was something wrong with the image. He glances back, and to his horror, her realizes that the woman was pasty white and dead.

"Ayeee!!" He exclaims, "I need to fetch an ambulance!"

So he gets on his quaint little frenchy bike and rides off towards the villa. To his luck, he meets the ambulance on the road.

After flagging them down, he explains to the crew what he saw. "Ayeee!" They exclaim, "we need the police, not an ambulance. " So the leave Pierre in a cloud of dust, driving frantically to the villa.

Pierre, in a numbed state of shock turns around and rides his bike slowly back to his land. On the way back he is passed by the ambulance, now carrying a police officer.

Pierre watches as the ambulance drives to his property, the police and crew disembark and walk out of view in the direction of the morbid scene. After a long pause, he sees the police and ambulance crew return to the vehicle and patiently drive back to Pierre. As the Ambulance slows to a stop, Pierre can see the police and medics are laughing hysterically.

Pierre says "Why are you laughing, that necrophiliac is defiling my land" The policeman answers, "Ah, Pierre, she's not dead, she's British."

[11B3]

There was a German, an Italian and a Redneck on death row. The warden
gave them a choice of three ways to die:

1. to be shot
2. to be hung
3. to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." (Boom, he was dead instantly).

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead.)

Then the Redneck said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him
the shot, and the redneck fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other
and wondered what was wrong with this guy. Then the Redneck said, "Give
me another one of those shots," so the guards did.

Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled
over. Finally the warden said, "What is wrong with you?"

The Redneck replied, "You guys are so stupid.....I'm wearing a condom!"

[PMCarey]

I thought the German response was:

Two peanuts were walking down the road, and one was assaulted ...

... peanut.