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Workplace Discrimination Against, and Jokes About...well, just about everybody
prnewswire ^ | 11/13/02

Posted on 11/13/2002 2:21:10 PM PST by Brian Mosely

Workplace Discrimination Against, and Jokes About, African Americans, Gays, Jews, Muslims and Others, According to Harris Interactive Survey

Discrimination Against Several, But Not All, Minority Groups, Including Women, Is Believed To Be Widespread

ROCHESTER, N.Y., Nov. 13 /PRNewswire/ -- Older people, gays and lesbians and people with disabilities are perceived by many to be frequent victims of workplace discrimination. Other groups viewed as frequent victims of workplace discrimination by smaller, but still substantial, numbers of people include women, African Americans and Muslims. On the other hand, relatively few people believe that Jews, Asian Americans or Hispanic Americans are often discriminated against.

This survey also finds that workplace jokes about women, gays and lesbians, and older people are relatively common, while fewer (but still substantial numbers) recall hearing jokes about Asian Americans, people with disabilities, Muslims and Jews.

These are some of the results of The Harris Poll(R), which is based on online interviews with a nationwide cross section of 2,203 adults surveyed between August 26 and September 2, 2002. Harris Interactive(R) conducted this survey in collaboration with Witeck-Combs Communications, Inc., a strategic public relations and marketing communications firm.

Because the sample used in this poll was quite large compared to most published opinion polls, it was possible to analyze the responses of five of these groups and compare their replies with those of all adults. These results show that African Americans are much more likely than the general public to see blacks as victims of discrimination, while gays and lesbians are also significantly more likely to see themselves as discriminated against.

When it comes to jokes, gays and lesbians and Hispanics are more likely than other groups to report hearing jokes against people like them. Women, on the other hand, are less likely to recall hearing jokes about women, presumably because men are more likely to make these jokes to other men when no women are present.

  Some specific findings about the perceptions of discrimination are:
  *  Fully 50% of African Americans feel that blacks are "often" victims of
     workplace discrimination, but only 18% of all adults believe this to be
     true.
  *  Almost half of gays and lesbians and bisexual adults (45%) feel that
     they, as a group, are often discriminated against at work.  Nearly a
     third of all adults (29%) perceive this level of discrimination against
     gays and lesbians.
  *  Relatively few people perceive Jews (5%), Asian Americans (5%),
     Hispanic Americans (12%) or Muslims (14%) as frequent targets of
     discrimination.  Only one of these groups is large enough to be
     analyzed separately; relatively few Hispanics (16%) believe their group
     is often discriminated against.
  *  Over a quarter of women (27%) believe they are frequent victims of
     discrimination.

When it comes to jokes told in the workplace about minorities, more people recall hearing jokes about women (53%), gays and lesbians (44%), older people (38%), African Americans (37%) and Hispanics (32%) than about the other groups.

However, substantial numbers report hearing jokes about all of the nine groups we asked about, including Jews (29%), Muslims (29%), people with disabilities (26%) and Asian Americans (25%).

Most of those who self-identify as gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender (64%) recall hearing jokes about their group at work, as do 50% of Hispanics.

TABLE 1

PERCEPTIONS OF WORKPLACE DISCRIMINATION AGAINST EIGHT MINORITIES AND WOMEN "How often do you think the following groups experience discrimination in the workplace, and, for example, are fired or dismissed from a job, are harassed,

or denied promotions or job advances - never, rarely, sometimes, or often?"

  Base:  All Adults
                                            "OFTEN"    Gap Between
                                                       All Adults and
                                                       Group Discriminated
                                                       Against


% Older adults, aged 65 and older All adults 32 +7 People aged 65 and over 39

People who are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender All adults 29 +16 Lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender 45

People with disabilities All adults 21 NA People with disabilities NA

Women All adults 19 +8 Women 27

African Americans All adults 18 +32 African Americans 50

People who are Muslim All adults 14 NA Muslims NA

Hispanic Americans All adults 12 +4 Hispanic Americans 16

Asian Americans All adults 5 NA Asian Americans NA

People who are Jewish All adults 5 NA Jews NA

TABLE 2 HEAR JOKES AT WORK ABOUT EIGHT MINORITIES AND WOMEN "Have you ever heard someone at your current or most recent job tell jokes about any of the following groups?" Base: All Adults

"OFTEN" Gap Between All Adults and Group Discriminated Against % Women All adults 53 -8 Women 45

People who are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender All adults 44 +20 Lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender 64

Older adults, aged 65 and older All adults 38 +3 People aged 65 and over 41

African Americans All adults 37 -2 African Americans 35

Hispanic Americans All adults 32 +18 Hispanic Americans 50

People who are Jewish All adults 29 NA Jews NA

People who are Muslim All adults 29 NA Muslims NA

People with disabilities All adults 26 NA People with disabilities NA

Asian Americans All adults 25 NA Asian Americans NA

Methodology

The Harris Poll(R) was conducted online within the United States between August 26 and September 2, 2002, among a nationwide cross section of 2,203 adults. Figures for age, sex, race, education and number of adults in the household were weighted where necessary to bring them into line with their actual proportions in the population. "Propensity score" weighting was also used to adjust for respondents' propensity to be online.

In theory, with a probability sample of this size, one can say with 95 percent certainty that the results have a statistical precision of plus or minus 2 percentage points of what they would be if the entire adult population had been polled with complete accuracy. Unfortunately, there are several other possible sources of error in all polls or surveys that are probably more serious than theoretical calculations of sampling error. They include refusals to be interviewed (non-response), question wording and question order, interviewer bias, weighting by demographic control data and screening (e.g., for likely voters). It is impossible to quantify the errors that may result from these factors. This online survey is not a probability sample.

These statements conform to the principles of disclosure of the National Council on Public Polls.

About Harris Interactive(R)

Harris Interactive (http://www.harrisinteractive.com/) is a worldwide market research and consulting firm best known for The Harris Poll(R), and for pioneering the Internet method to conduct scientifically accurate market research. Headquartered in Rochester, New York, U.S.A., Harris Interactive combines proprietary methodologies and technology with expertise in predictive, custom and strategic research. The Company conducts international research through wholly owned subsidiaries-London-based HI Europe (http://www.hieurope.com/) and Tokyo-based Harris Interactive Japan-as well as through the Harris Interactive Global Network of local market-and opinion- research firms, and various U.S. offices. EOE M/F/D/V

To become a member of the Harris Poll Online(SM) and be invited to participate in future online surveys, visit http://www.harrispollonline.com/ .



TOPICS: Culture/Society; News/Current Events
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1 posted on 11/13/2002 2:21:10 PM PST by Brian Mosely
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To: Brian Mosely
Do Clinton jokes count?

Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The President asked for whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked Reverend Falwell if he would also like a drink. The minister replied, "Ma'am, I'd rather be Raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch my lips." Hearing this, the President handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice."

2 posted on 11/13/2002 2:25:50 PM PST by Feiny
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To: Brian Mosely
A priest, a rabbi, a white, a black, a muslim, a parapelegic, and Jeffrey Dahmer are all in a lifeboat.....
3 posted on 11/13/2002 2:26:12 PM PST by cardinal4
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To: Brian Mosely
Did you hear about the South Carolina redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?
She can't touch it till she's fourteen.


What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck?
The good ol' boy raises livestock.
The redneck gets emotionally involved.


How do you know when your staying in a Kentucky hotel?
When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink"
and the person at the front desk says "go ahead."


How can you tell if a Texas redneck is married?
There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.


Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in
Tennessee to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!


What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Mississippi?
A documentary.


How many rednecks does it take eat a 'possum?
Two. One to eat, and one to watch out for traffic.


Why did God invent armadillos?
So that Texas rednecks can have 'possum on the halfshell.


Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Tennessee State Lottery?
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.


A new law recently passed in North Carolina:
When a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.


What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas, and a
hurricane in Florida have in common?
Somebody's fixin' to lose them a trailer.


A Mississippian came home and found his house on fire, he
rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted,
"Hurry over here. My house is on fire!"
"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
"Shucks, don't you still have those big red trucks?"


Why do folks in Kentucky go to the movie theater in groups of
18 or more?
'Cuz 17 and under not admitted.


What do you get when you have 32 rednecks in the same room? A full set of teeth.


4 posted on 11/13/2002 2:26:29 PM PST by Feiny
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To: Brian Mosely
We got Clinton & rednecks, the only other unprotected one is the Pope:

The pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could not figure out how to cure him. Finally he was brought to an old physician, who stated that he could figure it out.

After about an hour's examination he came out and told the cardinals that he knew what was wrong. He said that the bad news was that it was a rare disorder of the testicles. He said that the goods news was that all the pope had to do to be cured was to have sex.

Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally they went to the pope with the doctor and explained the situation.

After some thought, the pope stated, "I agree, but under four conditions."

The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over all of the noise there arose a single voice that asked, "And what are the four conditions?"

The room stilled. There was a long pause...

The pope replied, "First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see whom she is having sex." "Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex." "Third she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out with who she is having sex, she can tell no one." After another long pause a voice arose and asked, "And the fourth condition?"

"Big tits" replied the Pope.

5 posted on 11/13/2002 2:28:07 PM PST by Feiny
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To: Brian Mosely
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table---whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cueball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now? he asks.
"No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me", replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."
6 posted on 11/13/2002 2:32:28 PM PST by Feiny
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To: Brian Mosely
Conspicuous by their absence from the survey are questions relatiing to "blond jokes" and "redneck jokes." Nobody bothered to survey about these, despite their universality.

Apparently it's still open season on whites.

7 posted on 11/13/2002 2:40:05 PM PST by Rytwyng
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To: feinswinesuksass
What do you call a bunch of Blondes in circle?

A dope ring!

8 posted on 11/13/2002 2:41:49 PM PST by cardinal4
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To: cardinal4
Dan and his wife were working in their garden one day when Dan looks over at his wife and says: "You're butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue. With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.

"Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!" The wife chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, Dan is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

"What's wrong?" he asks. She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little wiener?

9 posted on 11/13/2002 2:46:34 PM PST by Feiny
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To: cardinal4

As taken from the personnel files of employees in a large US
corporation:

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom..and.. has
started to dig."

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

"I would not allow this employee to breed."

"This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been', but more of a
definite
won't be'."

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
trap."

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
them."
10 posted on 11/13/2002 2:47:41 PM PST by Feiny
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To: feinswinesuksass
Two executives working in the garment center are having lunch together. Goldstein says to his friend, "Last week was one of the worst weeks of my entire life."

"What happened?" asks Birnbaum.

Goldstein moans, "My wife and I went to Florida on vacation. It rained for seven days and seven nights, so my wife went out and spent thousands of dollars on the credit card. I came back to New York and found out that my rat brother-in-law accountant has been ripping me off for millions. And to top it all off, when I came in to work on Monday morning, I found my on having sex with my best model on my desk!"

"You think you had a bad week?" responds Birnbaum. "My week was even
worse! I went to Florida on vacation with my wife and it rained for seven days and seven nights, so my wife went out and spent thousands on the credit card. Then, when I got back to New York, I found out that my rat cousin accountant has been ripping me off for millions. To top it all off, when I came in to my office on Monday, I found my son having sex with my best model on my desk!"

"How can you say that your week was worse than mine?" asks Goldstein.
"It was identical!"

"You shmuck!" replies Birnbaum. "I manufacture menswear..."
11 posted on 11/13/2002 2:50:50 PM PST by Feiny
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To: Rytwyng
Two women waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first woman asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first woman. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second woman. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first woman. "You see, I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone, watching tv. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second woman shakes her head. "That's so ironic," she says. "What do you mean?" asks the first woman.
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

12 posted on 11/13/2002 2:51:51 PM PST by Feiny
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To: feinswinesuksass
That is a white male joke and I feel discriminated against. I hope the tears don't short out my keyboard.
13 posted on 11/13/2002 2:53:07 PM PST by RobRoy
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To: RobRoy
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying, "Yo"

What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.

Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time.."
A southern fairytale begins - 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..
14 posted on 11/13/2002 2:54:14 PM PST by Feiny
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To: cardinal4
3 cajuns coming down the river in a boat...at the landing there is a game warden..as soon as the boat touches the bank, 1 guy jumps out and runs like hell down thru the woods...the game warden takes out after him...after about 1/2 a mile the warden tackles him....wrestles him to the ground and demands to see his fishing license...the coonass (cajun) says "sure officer and produces a current license...the game warden, breathing heavily (gasping) is really pissed...asks "if you have a license, why in the hell did you run???" coonass replies, the other 2 guys didn't have!!!!!!! yeeeeeee haaaaaaaw
15 posted on 11/13/2002 2:55:42 PM PST by cajun-jack
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To: cajun-jack
1. What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians?
A licker cabinet.

2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
A Klondyke.

3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?
Militia Etheridge.

4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?
Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.

5. Why do lesbians like to be reincarnated as whales?
So they can have 10-foot tongues and breathe out of the tops of their heads.

6. What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe?
Fur Traders.

7. What is a lesbian dinosaur called?
A Lickalotapuss.

8. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
Well Hung.

9. What do lesbians call an open can of tuna?
POTPOURRI.

10. What did the lesbian vampire say to her partner?
See you next month.

11. Did you hear that Ellen Degeneres drowned?
She was found face down in Ricki Lake.

12. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
Even the pool table doesn't have balls

13. Do you know what drag is?
It's when a man wears everything a lesbian won't.

14. What do you call lesbian twins?
Lick-a-likes.

15. How can you tell if a lesbian is butch?
She kick-starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.
16 posted on 11/13/2002 2:57:37 PM PST by Feiny
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To: lodwick
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them "The first one who can use the words "liver" and "cheese" together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says "I love liver and cheese."
"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever." She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said "How well
can you do?" Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever. "My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"
The last of the three, tiny in stature, but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, "Liver alone. Cheese mine."


17 posted on 11/13/2002 2:58:19 PM PST by Feiny
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To: feinswinesuksass
What do you get when you cross a crooked politician with a a crooked lawyer?

Chelsea!

18 posted on 11/13/2002 2:58:48 PM PST by cardinal4
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To: ofMagog
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.

"Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits down in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?".

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to
see if I could do it first".
19 posted on 11/13/2002 2:59:04 PM PST by Feiny
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To: feinswinesuksass
Why does Hillary always wear Ol Crusty?

If she wore a dress you would see her balls.....

20 posted on 11/13/2002 3:00:46 PM PST by cardinal4
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To: cardinal4
JoAnn was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children
and a large house. The only relief JoAnn got from her chores was
the twice-a-week bridge game she shared with a dozen other women.
The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was that JoAnn
loved to tell off-color stories and the girls didn't want to hear
them.

To teach JoAnn a lesson, the other women decided that the next
time she told an off-color story, they'd just get up, walk out,
and meet at another home but without her.

Sure enough, at the next bridge club meeting, JoAnn started,
"You know, girls, there's a rumor going around that a busload
of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold
find up in Alaska, and they say . . . " Just then, the women all
stood up and started for the door.

JoAnn was disconcerted, but only for a moment. Then she
understood what was going on and said, "Hey! Girls! Hold on,
hold on! There's plenty of time because the bus doesn't leave
until morning!"

21 posted on 11/13/2002 3:02:26 PM PST by Feiny
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To: AnnaZ; HangFire
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of
religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop....Acts 2:38!" (turn from your sin).

The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called the
police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All she did was yell a scripture to you."

"Scripture?", replied the burglar. "She said she had an AXE and two
38's!"
22 posted on 11/13/2002 3:03:26 PM PST by Feiny
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To: Brian Mosely; general_re
On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and one Italian woman.
2 French men and one French woman.
2 German men and one German woman.
2 Greek men and one Greek woman.
2 English men and one English woman.
2 Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman.
2 Japanese men and one Japanese woman.
2 Chinese men and one Chinese woman.
2 Irish men and one Irish woman.
2 American men and one American woman.

One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily in a menage a trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cooking and cleaning for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and began swimming to another island.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor store/restaurant/laundry and have gotten the Chinese woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.
The two Irishmen divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few litres of coconut whiskey. However, they are satisfied because the English aren't having any fun.
The two American men are contemplating suicide because the American woman won't shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a goddam cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this God forsaken desert island in the middle of nowhere so she could get her nails done and go shopping.

23 posted on 11/13/2002 3:04:05 PM PST by shaggy eel
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To: shaggy eel
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow
out our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon, however, the whales realized the sailors were swimming to the safety of the shore. The male whale was enraged that they were
going to get away and told the female, "Lets swim after them and
gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

"Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
24 posted on 11/13/2002 3:05:23 PM PST by Feiny
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To: feinswinesuksass
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best piece of tail in town!"

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mother, and it was sw-e-et!"

Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mother was squealing the whole time!"

Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"

25 posted on 11/13/2002 3:07:57 PM PST by Feiny
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To: cardinal4
The U.N. conducted a worldwide survey last month. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to The food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a HUGE failure.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

And in the United States they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

26 posted on 11/13/2002 3:08:18 PM PST by shaggy eel
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To: feinswinesuksass; shaggy eel
Two nuns were driving through a bad part of town when a mugger jumped out of the shadows and onto the hood of the car. "Show him your cross!," cried the Mother Superior to the young novice nun in the passenger seat.The young novice rolled down the window and yelled,"Hey get off the F***ing car!!"
27 posted on 11/13/2002 3:08:34 PM PST by cardinal4
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To: Brian Mosely
This promises to be a fun thread.

Nam Vet

28 posted on 11/13/2002 3:09:44 PM PST by Nam Vet
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To: Nam Vet
bump
29 posted on 11/13/2002 3:15:26 PM PST by agarrett
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To: feinswinesuksass
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he's wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon...

Demon: Why so glum?

Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!

Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here... are you a drinking man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and fresca... we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!

Guy: Gee that sounds great.

Demon: You a smoker?

Guy: You know it!

Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie- you're already dead, remember?

Guy: Wow...that's...awesome!

Demon: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Why, yes I do.

Demon: Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever... If you go Bankrupt...well, you're dead anyhow.

Demon: You into drugs?

Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean?...

Demon: That's right!

Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want; you're dead who cares! O.D.!!

Guy: WOW !! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!!

Demon: You gay?

Guy: No....

Demon: "Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays."

30 posted on 11/13/2002 3:16:01 PM PST by shaggy eel
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To: Nam Vet
A blonde is going door to door through an upscale neighborhood. She knocks on the door of a large house with a meticulous yard and large carriage house. When the man answers she say’s, “hello. I’m trying to earn some extra cash and was wondering if there are any odd jobs you would like done.”

He thought for a moment and said, “y’know, I’ve been needing to paint this porch for a while. How much would you charge?” She looked around and said, “$50 bucks.” He said, “ok, the paint and brushes are in the garage.” and went in the house. Inside, his wife asked him if she was aware of just how big their porch was before she agreed. He explained she looked it over first.

Two hours later, the blonde knocked on the door. When the man answered she said, “All finished. And since there was plenty of paint, I gave it two coats. Oh, and it’s not a porch, it’s a Lexus.”
31 posted on 11/13/2002 3:18:08 PM PST by RobRoy
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To: Brian Mosely
What does a girl from Alabama say when she is having sex?







"Git off me Diddy, yur chrushin' my cigarettes ... "
32 posted on 11/13/2002 3:20:44 PM PST by spodefly
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To: feinswinesuksass; cardinal4
Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair. They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the First button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face.

Confused, Bush carries on talking as Saddam laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Bush carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.

But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well. "I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"

A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Bush's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge. They begin talking and Bush presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. George snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter.

When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics. "Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!" Bush says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"

33 posted on 11/13/2002 3:21:45 PM PST by shaggy eel
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To: RobRoy
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.

Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair,Kill Her!!! The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job.

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair".
34 posted on 11/13/2002 3:22:22 PM PST by Feiny
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To: shaggy eel
Love it!
35 posted on 11/13/2002 3:26:13 PM PST by Feiny
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To: Brian Mosely
I have read EVERY post in this thread and I am devastated! Not one Dutch joke amongst the lot! As an American whose name originates in Holland, I don't want a generic "how many dutchmen does it take to screw in a light bulb" thing, either! I want tulips, windmills, cheese, stubborness, wooden shoes, or SOMETHING specifically DUTCH!

Of course, there was the little dutch boy who ran into the lesbian bar and stuck his finger in a dyke.

Seriously, though, I need something I can tell in mixed company.....

36 posted on 11/13/2002 3:26:21 PM PST by mil-vet
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To: feinswinesuksass
Hah! Thanks for the jokes :)
37 posted on 11/13/2002 3:28:11 PM PST by Britton J Wingfield
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To: Brian Mosely
Bump for later!
38 posted on 11/13/2002 3:28:54 PM PST by F-117A
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To: feinswinesuksass
Three Labs a black, a chocolate and a yellow are in the Vet's waiting room with their owners.

The chocolate asks the yellow: "What are you here for?" The yellow answers: "Because I chew, I chewed on the carpet, on the furniture, on the plants, but the last straw was when I chewed on her $300.00 purse; so I'm here for medication to stop chewing."

The black asks chocolate: "What are you here for? The chocolate lab relies: "Because I pee, I pee everywhere but the finally straw was when I peed on my owneres' bed. Boy was she mad, so she brought me here to get a shot to control my bladder."

The yellow lab asks the black: "So what's your story?"
So the black says: "I'm here because I hump, I hump the chairs, the couch, pillows, legs, but the final straw was when my owner bent over to pick up towel after getting out of the shower...."

"Oh no", scream the yellow and the chocolate, "their going to cut off your nuts!!!!"

"No", replies the black lab "I'm just here to have my nails clipped!"



39 posted on 11/13/2002 3:32:32 PM PST by gc4nra
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To: feinswinesuksass
How can you tell the richest family in a Missouri county?

They have two couches on the porch....

40 posted on 11/13/2002 3:37:41 PM PST by cardinal4
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To: Paul Atreides
,,, here's a goodie!
41 posted on 11/13/2002 3:48:22 PM PST by shaggy eel
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To: mil-vet
Did someone say cheese?

Here is a dutch joke:

Nadat de vrouw heeft plaatsgenomen op de divan, vraagt de psychiater wat er aan scheelt. De vrouw krijgt een kleur als vuur en stottert: ‘Uhh, tja, uhhmmm, hoe zal ik het zeggen? Ik ben natuurlijk geen expert... Maar, ik denk dat ik zo af en toe uhhmm-uhh een beetje nymphomanische trekjes vertoond. ‘Aha!’ Zegt de psychiater. ‘Ik denk dat ik u wel kan helpen. Maar ik moet u waarschuwen dat ik niet goedkoop ben. Ik reken honderdvijftig gulden per uur.’‘Dat valt mee,’ zegt de vrouw. ‘En hoeveel rekent u voor een hele nacht?’

42 posted on 11/13/2002 3:48:41 PM PST by Feiny
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To: RobRoy
What three two-letter words mean small?

"Is It In?"

Nam Vet

43 posted on 11/13/2002 3:54:06 PM PST by Nam Vet
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To: mil-vet
Q: How do you tell, as you're driving towards Holland, that you've crossed the border?
A: You see the toilet paper hanging out to dry on the washing lines.

http://www.zompist.com/dutchcult.html

http://www.beard-redfern.com/int_humour.html

44 posted on 11/13/2002 3:58:27 PM PST by Feiny
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To: shaggy eel
An old Marine Colonel got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and very polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room, she said, "Col. Smith, your barracks door is open." He did not understand her remark. Later on, he looked down and saw his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary. He called her in and asked, "Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also notice a Marine standing at attention?" The secretary, who also was quite witty, replied, "Why, no sir. All I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

Nam Vet

45 posted on 11/13/2002 3:58:54 PM PST by Nam Vet
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To: feinswinesuksass; shaggy eel
The fellow who originated the concept of managed health care died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. After giving his Social Security number and other identification, he was told to, "Wait over there in the Reception Area and an orientation tour bus will be by in about an hour."

The Reception Area was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. It had a full bar (non-alcoholic, but had all the tastes of various beers and other drinks) and every type of food ever thought of. The view was fabulous. Everyone was smiling and seemed so happy.

The fellow turned to one of the very beautiful receptionists and said, "This place is beyond all imagination! It is just so wonderful. I traveled all over the world and Texas setting up HMOs and other managed care systems, but I never saw anything this wonderful. There must be some kind of mistake," he laughed.

"Oh, no, sir. We never make mistakes up here. Never have. Never will. See right here on the computer screen. It says you are fully certified for three days, sir."

46 posted on 11/13/2002 4:03:12 PM PST by ofMagog
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To: feinswinesuksass
A man came in to the fruit and vegetable section of the market and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.The boy walked into the back room and said, "there is some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half".

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said, "you almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"

The boy replied, "Australia sir".

"You're joking ! Why did you leave Australia?" asked the manager.

The boy replied, "They're all just whores and rugby players down there."

"My wife is from Australia!!"

The boy replied, "Really! What team did she play for?

47 posted on 11/13/2002 4:03:36 PM PST by shaggy eel
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To: feinswinesuksass
If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.

Nam Vet

48 posted on 11/13/2002 4:06:42 PM PST by Nam Vet
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To: Nam Vet; Terriergal
Big Mike's all excited about his new rifle. So, he goes bear hunting in Alaska. The first bear he sees is a little brown bear. He kills it with his first shot.

There is a tap on his shoulder and he turns around to see a big black bear. The black bear says, "You've got two choices. One, I maul you to death or two, we have sex."

Big Mike bends over for the bear. He's sore for 2 days, but he recovers and vows revenge. Big Mike heads out on another trip to Alaska and he finds the black bear and kills him.

At that moment there is a tap on his shoulder. A huge grizzly is standing right behind him. The grizzly says, "That was a big mistake. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex." Big Mike bends over once again. He survives, but he's really hurting and takes quite a bit of time to recover and he's outraged.

He heads back to Alaska and finds the grizzly and shoots him at point blank range. Sure enough, there's a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to find an enormous polar bear. The polar bear looks at Big Mike with a puzzled look and says, "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you?"

49 posted on 11/13/2002 4:48:53 PM PST by shaggy eel
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To: shaggy eel
I thought we were posting ethnic jokes!

 



A Scotsman and a Jewish man were having a magnificent meal at one of the finest restaurants in New York. At the end of the evening the waiter came over to present the check and a Scottish voice said " That's all right laddie just gae the check to me ". The headlines in the local newspaper next day proclaimed " Jewish ventriloquist found beaten to death ".

50 posted on 11/13/2002 5:13:09 PM PST by stands2reason
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