Posted on 12/01/2002 5:15:11 PM PST by Arthur Wildfire! March
[This is a local movement we are starting up in the South Boston, Virginia area. However, it is easy enough to duplicate for other towns, if you would like to form your own sheep squad.]
South Boston is soon to experience a powerful political force: satire. Smart alecs unite! We need every clown, every wisemheimer, every irritating person we can find to help us!
Here are our first demands:
Illegal Immigrants.... We Must Help Them!
Ban Privacy! Make All Privacy and All Clothing illegal!
Or maybe you just want links to funny web pages, satisfaction guaranteed or your money back! [We're not charging anything, but we plan on doubling that fee in a few months....]
Please join us, the South Boston Sheep Squad, in these noble causes! If DC wants insanity, we will help them along!
We, the concerned citizens of South Boston, in concert with the S.B.S.S. [South Boston Sheep Squad] are issuing the following demands to all political parties:
1. Immediately begin an expensive media blitz to promise a $50,000 cash advance to reward illegal immigrants [courtesy of your friendly, US tax payer]. Place signs every 100 yards along our borders saying, "Illegal immigrants welcome! Anyone allowed! Al Qaeda included! [You might consider having the illegals sign a contract to only vote for your party in exchange for the $50,000, even after your future voter dies.]
2. We DEMAND an increase in medical, education, and welfare benefits to encourage illegal immigrants. The US and California tax payer will be glad to cover the cost. We must also allow hospitals to charge the tax payer 5 times what is normal when the patient is an illegal immigrant.
3. Abolish all border control. Let's face it, border control isn't getting the job done anyway. So why inconvenience them? On the other hand, if abolishing border control is out of the question, here are some suggestions:
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a. Replace the Mexico border walls with free beer stations. We already built a water station to make the trip across the Mexico border more convenient. Why not give away free beer? Believe us when we say, worse things have been done with tax money before. So why not have some happy and drunk illegals enter our country with a bang?
b. Rearm border guards with squirt guns and give them even more sensitivity training. We want them to be nurturing, as well as kinder and gentler to illegals.
c. Replace border patrol cars with the Flintstone version of transportation, and chain cinderblocks to the border patrols' legs. That will give the pregnant illegals a better chance to outrun them, so their babies can be auto-citizens when they give birth in the US.
d. If somehow, our border patrol should manage to catch an illegal immigrant, the immigrant should be allowed to roll a pair of dice. If they roll a "7", they are allowed to sue the border guards for committing a crime against humanity.
e. If they fail to make that lucky roll of the dice, the illegals should immediately be sent back to their home country so they can try to cross the border again right away.
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4. If an illegal immigrant is caught with a job, we should have special agents get them on welfare instead. We need to educate them about welfare loopholes and skid the tracks.
5. If illegal immigrants are caught breaking other laws, they should be rewarded with immediate citizenship.
6. Illegal alians should be given the right to vote, the same as US citizens. The great part of this idea is you have millions of uninformed people voting about issues from an ignorant viewpoint. That makes them the perfect suckers for corrupt politicians, even more gullible than voters who were born here.
7. Consider the wonderful fringe benefits from the flood of illegal immigrants! Why be negative all the time? California might soon be sending it's entire state budget in a check directly to the corrupt beaurocrats Mexico, so they can build more mansions. In fact, Mexico would have a huge chunk of the House of Representatives, since the number of districts in California would double. And once California is completely taken over, it will be impossible to ever control US borders again. What a joyous day that will be! Put aside the negatives for a moment, and consider the postitives. Building mansions for the corrupt beaurocrats of Mexico will make them and their friends very, very happy!
8. Illegal immigrants should have squatters' rights in US parks. After all, it will happen anyway when enough illegals are granted clemency and given the right to vote. They obviously will feel more compassion toward immigrants than toward trees and squirrels, we assure you. So rather than wait and be forced into it later, why not pre-empt that ugliness by giving them park land immediately? Land that has been denied to US citizens for several generations.
9. Since we don't know what the heck illegal immigrants are toting across the border anyway, we might as well guarantee them privacy rights that no US citizen will ever have. We should tell them that they can bring anything they want: heroine, crack, any al qaeda friends they might have, along with bio/nuke/chem weapons because their privacy will be guaranteed. Besides, we are too busy snooping on US citizens anyway. And that should be encouraged, too.
BAN ALL PRIVACY
For the sake of America's safety, we demand that ALL PRIVACY be banned by US citizens. Forget the fact that law breakers, such as illegal immigrants, already have all the privacy they want. We demand:
1. We need to make cash illegal. It is impossible for Dr. John Poindexter, manager of the TIA System to investigate cash purchases, so by making cash illegal, we will make his program actually work.
2. We demand that all clothing be made illegal. If everyone is stripped naked, then we will know that they aren't carrying anything bad on them.
3. An expansion of Carnivore, the system that snoops on private emails and private internet messages. Forget the fact that it will soon be useless, since the mob and terrorist organisations already know about it. We need to expand it because this is WAR. So don't confuse us with the facts. And we will sweet talk government into abolishing it later.
4. An expansion of Echelon, the ability to snoop in on all private phone calls. Once again, the mob and the terrorists already know about it, but four years from now, we might catch an idiot every now and then anyway. Besides, we should trust our government. They would never ever use Echelon, Carnivore, and Dr. Poindexter's Total Information Awareness system to attack political opponents. Did they ever abuse the raw data of FBI files against their political opponents? Did they ever audit people with the IRS? Maybe so, but THIS IS WAR, so don't confuse us with the facts.
SERIOUSLY: This is a war of satire. Are you a pest? An obnoxious loud mouth? Do you have a way of getting on peoples' nerves? Great! The South Boston Sheep Squad wants YOU!
We will have a lot of fun with this and many other issues, such as trying to ban forks and chop sticks, doubling taxes in Virginia, quintipling bonds in Virginia, demanding the installation of safety air bags in bath tubs, calling on a rock buy-back program, raising the United Nations pension of a retired nazi another $4 million, etc. And if parents allow their children to flunk a class or become overweight, we will DEMAND those parents go behind bars with a felony record! We also have a certain terrorist pardoner in mind who might have toilets named in his honor instead of Prince John.
You don't have to agree with everything. We tackle one issue at a time. This issue, Safe Borders vs. Privacy, is our current focus.
Please join us in exposing the madness that is running amok in politics.
OUR REGIONAL STRATEGY: First we will form a base here in the South Boston area. Next, we will form a Sheep Squad in Lynchburg. Then Richmond. We will continue to work our way north, right up to Washington, DC!
If you would like to help in a small way, such as print up flyers, go on the street and joke around a little bit, attend a future rally, or icq others on our behalf, etc. the South Boston Sheep Squad would greatly appreciate it.
If you want to officially join Our Sheepish Cause please click here to help bring sanity back to politics! [No money is asked for. But we'll triple that fee in a few weeks.] We need every clown, every wisemheimer, every irritating person we can find to help us!
Date of the protest rally is pending until after we have 20 pledges to attend it and a volunteer to print up information flyers. But hey. You can unofficially go out there and spread the word yourself. Just, please make people laugh. People like to laugh. You can get people angry for a short time, but most people will walk away from perpetual anger.
As they say at the research forum we belong to, the Free Republic: FReegards....
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First I thought this was a secret list of objectives from the Pro-Immigration Attorney Coalition. Then I got to the beer-station part and was convinced it was a letter from Ted Kennedy to the other pro-immigration Democrats. Not until I reached the section an banning clothing did Slick Willie's hand reveal itself. (shaking head) Those guys...
Actually, I was wondering what position on this humor-post would be opposed by the GWB Administration. I doubt anything would be opposed by them. Lots of illegals and no privacy are two priorities of modern Republicanism.
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