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Articles Posted by John Semmens

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  • CAIR Defends McMaster [semi-satire]

    08/14/2017 1:15:18 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 August 2017 | John Semmens
    The Council on American Islamic Relations (CAIR) rallied to the defense of National Security Council (NSC) adviser Gen. H.R. McMaster this week. McMaster has come under some criticism for purging the NSC of individuals he maintains were "overly focused on an illusory Islamic threat." These included Ezra Cohen-Watnick, the NSC's senior director for intelligence programs; Rich Higgins, the NSC's director for strategic planning; and Derek Harvey, the NSC's senior director for the Middle East. Ibrahim Hooper, National Communications Director for CAIR, blamed "agents of the Zionist conspiracy for world domination" for what he characterized as "vicious attacks on an honorable...
  • Judge Bars Defendant from Testifying [semi-satire]

    08/14/2017 9:31:22 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 August 2017 | John Semmens
    U.S. District Judge Gloria Navarro barred Eric Parker from mentioning the First Amendment after he took the stand to testify in his own defense in a trial stemming from the 2014 Bunkerville standoff in which ranchers confronted Bureau of Land Management officers in a dispute over grazing rights. "Once a duly authorized law enforcement action is underway the First Amendment guarantees of freedom of assembly and freedom of speech no longer apply," Navarro ruled. "Allowing a jury to hear these words would only serve to undermine the respect for authority that is essential to an orderly enforcement of the decisions...
  • Mysterious Death Ruled "Suicide" [semi-satire]

    08/13/2017 11:43:18 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 August 2017 | John Semmens
    In May of this year, federal prosecutor Beranton Whisenant's body was found on a Hollywood, Florida beach with a gunshot wound to the head. Three months later, the Hollywood Police Department has ruled the death a suicide. Whisenant worked for the U.S. Attorney's Office in Miami in its major crimes unit. He was handling several visa and passport fraud cases in the congressional district represented by beleaguered former Democratic National Committee Chairwoman Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz. Oddly, no weapon was recovered at or near the scene. Chief of Police Tomas Sanchez admitted that "the absence of a weapon near the...
  • Congresswoman Has Plan to Avert War with North Korea [semi-satire]

    08/12/2017 4:23:31 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 12 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 August 2017 | John Semmens
    Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif) has a simple plan for deescalating tensions between the U.S. and North Korea: “give them what they want.” She acknowledged that “we may not know specifically what that is, but surely it has to be a better option than going to war.” “Look, Korea is a small, far away country,” Waters observed. “From what I understand it is a very poor place. We could probably feed, house, and clothe everyone in it for less than it would cost to bomb them. If we could ensure Kim that all the material needs of his people could easily...
  • Trump's "Excessive Expectations" Rile Senator [semi-satire]

    08/12/2017 6:56:06 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 August 2017 | John Semmens
    Chafing at President Trump's very public display of frustration with the failure of the Senate to pass health insurance reform, Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ken) blamed "excessive expectations." "Frankly, the President is out of his depth on this," McConnell maintained. "He comes from a business milieu where the emphasis is on action and results. In government the emphasis is on process." The Majority Leader offered to "explain the process in terms that even Mr. Trump can understand. In the Senate we have agreements that both Parties abide by. All the repeals of Obamacare that we passed were guaranteed to be...
  • Document Dump Casts Doubt on Official Version of Tarmac Meeting [semi-satire]

    08/11/2017 11:51:50 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 9 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 August 2017 | John Semmens
    Documents obtained through a Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) request cast a long shadow of doubt over the official version of events surrounding the "chance meeting" between former President Bill Clinton and Obama Administration Attorney General Loretta Lynch in June 2016. The official story that the meeting was a random occurrence and that the discussion was an innocent chat about grandchildren and golf was severely damaged by correspondence among Department of Justice personnel. For one, the correspondence was heavily redacted. Redaction is justified when sensitive personal data (like Social Security numbers or home addresses) or classified information might be exposed....
  • Trump Threat an "Impeachable Offense" [semi-satire]

    08/07/2017 2:14:39 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 6 August 2017 | John Semmens
    After the failure of the Senate to repeal Obamacare, a frustrated President Trump's threat to reverse President Obama's executive action exempting members of congress from having to live under the same regulations that apply to ordinary citizens forced into Obamacare brought howls of rage from Sen. Chris Murphy (D-CT). "We are members of government," Murphy fulminated. "For Trump to vindictively throw us into the pit with the common people violates the unwritten rule against one segment of this elite group harming the privileges of another. It would renege on the bipartisanship exhibited by President Obama in even handedly extending the...
  • Felons Vying to Be Detroit's Mayor [semi-satire]

    08/06/2017 12:27:05 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 6 August 2017 | John Semmens
    Half of the eight candidates for mayor on Detroit's Democratic primary ballot have been previously convicted criminals. Donna Marie Pitts has multiple felony convictions dating back to 1977. Danetta Simpson has a 1996 felony conviction for assault with intent to murder. Articia Bomer was charged in 2008 with carrying a concealed weapon. In 2004, Curtis Christopher Greene was sentenced to 18 months' probation under the Holmes Youthful Trainee Act for dealing marijuana and in 2005 plead guilty to writing a fraudulent check. Pitts called her conviction stemming from a shoot out at an auto repair shop "an honest disagreement over...
  • ‘Legacy’ Legislation to Honor McCain Proposed [semi-satire]

    08/05/2017 2:41:13 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 6 August 2017 | John Semmens
    Fresh off his crucial vote to kill the repeal of Obamacare, Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) is now working with Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) to craft what McCain called “a fitting legacy to honor my service to the country and Senate over my lifetime.” The bill they are drafting is a revival of the so-called “Gang of Eight” measure passed by the Senate in 2013, but rejected by the House. It would give a path to citizenship to most illegal immigrants, greatly increase the number of visas to allow companies to replace American workers with foreigners and greatly increase...
  • Senators Want to Strengthen Independence of Special Counsel [semi-satire]

    08/05/2017 10:30:42 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 6 August 2017 | John Semmens
    Sens. Thom Tillis (R-NC) and Chris Coons (D-Del) are proposing legislation that would bar anyone from firing or in any way impeding Robert Mueller, the special counsel appointed to investigate President Trump and his associates for winning the 2016 presidential election. "It is critical that special counsels have the independence and resources they need to lead investigations," Tillis said. "Mueller can't be independent if he can be fired by anyone in the chain of command in the executive branch of government. He can't be independent if he must rely on congress for appropriations. He can't be independent if he must...
  • Poll Results Addle Dem Leader [semi-satire]

    08/04/2017 6:35:18 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 6 August 2017 | John Semmens
    A poll conducted for Minority Leader Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) by her "House Majority PAC" produced consternation and confusion for this top Democrat. For one, the poll found that the political ideologies of voters were 41% conservative, 32% moderate and 19% liberal, with 37% identifying as Independents, 35% as Republicans and 29% as Democrats. For two, among white working class voters 69% favored policies that reward hard work. "These findings make no sense," Pelosi argued. "Surely leisure is preferred over hard work. The Democratic Party has enacted measures that have expanded the opportunities for people to leave the workforce and...
  • “Allah Is Gay” Sign Banned [semi-satire]

    08/01/2017 11:19:43 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 30 July 2017 | John Semmens
    London police barred Britain’s Council of Ex-Muslims (CEMB) from displaying their “Allah is gay” sign in the City’s annual gay pride parade. Police did allow a “Jesus is gay” sign to be displayed. London Mayor Sadiq Khan explained that “calling Allah gay is a slander that cannot be tolerated. Anyone who has read the Quran can clearly see that Allah is NOT gay. In fact, in the Quran Allah prescribes death for homosexuals. A proclamation that Allah is gay is obviously untrue.” Khan contrasted the clarity of Islam’s stance on homosexuality with what he characterized as “the ambiguity of Christianity...
  • County Has 1000s of Voters Older than 100 [semi-satire]

    07/31/2017 10:20:41 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 30 July 2017 | John Semmens
    Examination of the registered voter rolls in Broward County, Florida revealed that there are thousands of voters over 100 years of age, including several over 130 years old. The Public Interest Legal Foundation (PILF) filed a lawsuit accusing the Broward County supervisor of elections, Brenda Snipes, of dereliction of duty. "This quantity of centenarians on the voter rolls is actuarially improbable," argued Logan Churchwell, the head researcher for PILF. "This improbability alone should have spurred the elections officials to scrutinize the data and purge deceased voters from the lists." Snipes countered by asserting "I am no mathematician and should not...
  • McCain Kills GOP Health Care Bill [semi-satire]

    07/30/2017 11:10:11 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 30 July 2017 | John Semmens
    Just days after receiving brain surgery to remove a malignant tumor, Sen. John McCain (R-Az) returned to the senate in time to cast his vote killing the so-called "skinny" repeal of Obamacare. McCain joined fellow Republicans Lisa Murkowski (Alaska) and Susan Collins (Maine) to vote with all 48 Democrats for a 51-49 margin against the bill. The Senator cited "bipartisanship" as his primary motivation. "The original Obamacare legislation was enacted without a single Republican vote,: he pointed out. "For us to repeal any part of it without a single Democratic vote would only continue to spur rancor between the aisles...
  • Dems' IT Guy Arrested [semi-satire]

    07/29/2017 7:09:06 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 9 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 30 July 2017 | John Semmens
    This week, Imran Awan, one of a trio of brothers hired by the Democratic National Committee to handle the computers and other devices used by key Democrats on the House Committee on Foreign Affairs and the Permanent Select Committee on Intelligence was arrested trying to flee the country. News of the arrest prompted former DNC chairwoman Rep. Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (Fla) to fire Awan, but she warned investigators there would be "consequences" if the laptop seized from him by police was not promptly returned to her. "The lap top is mine. I am a member of congress. I have immunity from...
  • Judge Levies Fine for Exposing Planned Parenthood Crimes [semi-satire]

    07/24/2017 12:42:25 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 23 July 2017 | John Semmens
    Judge William Orrick levied a fine of $137,000 against David Daleiden and the Center for Medical Progress (CMP) for violating his "gag" order in the case against them related to their undercover investigative report on Planned Parenthood (PP). Dalieden and the CMP produced a number of covertly recorded videos of PP officials engaging in illegal sales of aborted baby parts. "Mr. Daleiden may imagine himself a journalist going undercover to snare criminals," Orrick said. "However, he is not a recognized member of any established journalistic outlet—neither TV, radio, print nor electronic. He is, to all intents, just a private citizen...
  • Congresswoman Negotiating Whether to Cooperate with Investigation [semi-satire]

    07/23/2017 3:39:12 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 23 July 2017 | John Semmens
    Former Democratic National Committee Chair Rep. Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (Fla) is in the midst of deciding whether or not to cooperate with DC police investigating possible violations of national security laws by her former top information technology (IT) aide, Imran Awan. Awan and several of his relatives are accused of abusing access granted by their Democratic Party employers to obtain and sell classified information. Thus far, Wasserman-Schultz has been refusing to turnover computers used by Awan so police can examine them. She has claimed exemption from law enforcement saying that "according to the Constitution, members of congress are privileged from arrest....
  • Freedom Caucus Move on Health Insurance Assailed [semi-satire]

    07/22/2017 2:16:11 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 23 July 2017 | John Semmens
    This week the “repeal and replace” health insurance bill crafted by the Republican leadership failed to garner enough support to be put to a vote. Rep. Tom Garret (R-VA), along with other Freedom Caucus members, said he will file a discharge petition that would put a clean repeal of Obamacare up for a House vote. “This is the same bill both the House and Senate passed that was vetoed by President Obama in 2015,” Garret said. “It would undo the conceit that the government is competent to dictate the health insurance choices every American must make. It will allow everyone...
  • Hillary Says Poll Unfair [semi-satire]

    07/22/2017 10:34:55 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 23 July 2017 | John Semmens
    This week a Bloomberg poll found that former presidential candidate Hillary Clinton is viewed favorably by 39% of poll respondents. This is less than President Donald Trump's 41%. She is viewed unfavorably by 58%. Trump is viewed unfavorably by 55%. The former Secretary of State contended that the poll was an unfair comparison. "Every time I turn on the news it's all about Trump," she complained. "That's a lot of free publicity. Even if most of it is negative, when you consider the sources—CNN, MSNBC, New York Times—it can't help but boost his ratings. Being repeatedly attacked by media the...
  • Mayor Apologizes for Police Shooting [semi-satire]

    07/21/2017 6:16:09 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 23 July 2017 | John Semmens
    This week, Minneapolis police officer Mohamed Noor shot Justine Damond to death. Damond was unarmed and in her pajamas at the time of the slaying. The incident occurred after, Damond made a 911 call reporting a possible rape in progress outside her home. She was killed as she spoke to Noor's police partner through the open window of the patrol car. Whether Noor should have been employed as a cop seems more of a triumph of "diversity" than good sense. Those who know him have used words like "extremely nervous," "jumpy," and "the least little thing can set him off."...