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BURBANK, CA—At the entertainment giant’s world headquarters, Disney Imagineers showed off new technology that uses artificial intelligence to scan the more than 700 episodes of “The Simpsons” and replace Bart Simpson’s probably-offensive catchphrase “Cowabunga!” with the much less problematic and more profitable catchphrase “Taiwan is not a sovereign state, dude!” Sam Carter, Disney’s Executive Vice President of Tyrant Placation, gushed over the technological achievement. “This new AI process is truly a great leap forward,” said Carter. “It allows us to instantly scan hundreds of hours of audio for Bart’s previous catchphrase, which is probably very offensive. We haven’t really looked...

Now we are finally getting somewhere. Just like Obama is ineligible technically because his fathers British Nationality 'governed' his birth status in 1961, Ted Cruz is ineligible too. Fox News has confirmed it and rightly so. Sean Hannity made a huge blunder the other day and declared Ted Cruz a natural born citizen because he was born to a American mother in Canada. He was so wrong. Cruz is a 14th Amendment U.S. 'statutory' (not natural born) citizen which is something completely different than a Article 2 Section 1 Constitutional natural born Citizen which is explicitly designed only for the...

Reporting from Denver - Manuel A. Sanchez has ruled out every logical explanation for the fate that has befallen the calves on his ranch in southern Colorado. Over the past month, he's found four calves dead in a way that he cannot reconcile with anything in his 50 years of raising cattle: eyes and ears missing, tongues and genitals excised in what appeared to be a series of fine cuts.

Wait for it.

"Neither Denmark nor Norway has a prohibition on sex with animals, as long as the animals do not suffer. On the Internet Danish animal owners advertise openly that they offer sex with animals, without intervention from police or other authorities, Danish newspaper 24timer reports. In correspondence with the animal owners, the newspaper was told that the animals involved have many years of experience and that the animals themselves wanted sex. The cost to the client varied from DKK 500-1,000 (USD 85-170). ... According to the 24timer report, Germans, Dutchmen, Swedes and Norwegians visit the Danish bordellos, and a web site...

Surf’s Up as Wounded Servicemembers Crest New WavesBy Mike DulevitzSpecial to American Forces Press Service PISMO BEACH, Aug. 25, 2006 -- For one wounded warrior, the thought of never being able to surf again haunted him after losing his left leg above the knee in Iraq to a vehicle-borne bomb. Navy Petty Officer 2nd Class Derek McGinnis hits the waves again in Pismo Beach, Calif. McGinnis and 12 other wounded warriors from Brooke Army Medical Center in San Antonio, took part in the six-day event Aug. 15 to 20. McGinnis hoped to surf again after losing his leg in...

CANBERRA, Australia (AP) - More than 40 surfers cruised into the record books Saturday when they successfully rode a giant surfboard off an Australian beach, breaking the previous world record set by an English team of 14 people in 2003.

HONOLULU (AP) - Strong winds in the northwest Pacific Ocean sent towering waves crashing along Hawaii's coast, prompting officials to close beaches amid fears that some waves could reach as high as 50 feet. The National Weather Service put high surf warnings in effect for the north-facing shores of all the islands except Lanai until Wednesday night. "High surf coupled with unusual high tide levels have a tendency to magnify the effects of the event and increase the probability of damages to homes, roads and infrastructure in the affected areas," said Doug Aton, acting administrator for Oahu Civil Defense. A...