Keyword: morford

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  • Jesus in America today: Spit upon, beaten, banned

    12/15/2015 6:10:38 AM PST · by artichokegrower · 49 replies
    San Francisco Chronicle ^ | December 14, 2015 | Mark Morford
    Here is Jesus H. Christ, walking around modern America, right now. Can you imagine him? Here is, in other words, a dark-skinned, bearded, unkempt Middle Eastern Jew, acting all kinds of suspicious, ranting on street corners and hanging around with prostitutes and fanatics, rejecting money, violence and the ruling class, seen by Muslims as the divine precursor to their prophet as he lures the innocent and the seditious into his lawless cult of pacifism and peace.
  • Real homophobes don't Google [barf alert & FR referenced]

    11/14/2011 10:23:46 AM PST · by smokingfrog · 44 replies ^ | 9 Nov 2011 | Mark Morford
    Woe to you, oh modern card-carrying homophobe. For it can't be easy to be you right now, what with all the terrifying changes taking place, all the dramatic sexual upheavals and flagrant displays of "unnatural" love being hurled like exotic sushi in your plain hamburger face these days. Oh, you poor dear. I see you there, glumly sipping your Starbucks gingerbread latte while Googling Swedish fetish porn in between checking the latest news on in your lightly stained Dockers and beat-up Nikes, Cartoon Network blaring in the background, tattered copy of Shooters Monthly on the bedside. I see you...
  • Michele Bachmann, hell's Barbie (Barf - SF Libs nervous)

    06/29/2011 10:55:51 AM PDT · by wac3rd · 39 replies
    San Francisco Chronicle ^ | June 29, 2011 | Mark Morford
    Meanwhile, while you were sleeping, while you were allowing your attention to wander to issues more pressing, heartwarming and good, such as gay New Yorkers in love and goofy dogs running marathons, easily the most insane and wide-eyed squirrelmonkey pseudo-politician in your lifetime announced that she is hereby running for president of the United States. And by "running" she does not mean putting on those supercute little silver jogging shoes with the funny blinky LED lights in the heels that she saw at DSW that one time, because that would be silly and not make any sense at all, and...
  • Thank God Global Warming Is A Hoax (Huge Barf..puking my guts out...Alert)

    08/18/2010 8:05:53 PM PDT · by Beave Meister · 29 replies
    San Francisco Chronicle ^ | 08/18/2010 | Mark Morfoed
    I mean, right? You know? Because gosh Jesus in angry apocalyptic heaven, wouldn't it be just terrible if it were all true? Wouldn't it be horrible if all this stunning, insanely mounting, irrefutable evidence -- death, floods, fires, heat waves, the worst this and the most violent that in 1,000 years -- were some sort of surefire, cumulative sign that we have, if not directly caused, then wildly accelerated and amplified the imminent implosion of this planet? But we didn't! And we haven't! And we aren't! I mean, whew.
  • Mark Morford: Conservative Women Are “Pseudo-Women” and “Bitches”

    06/28/2010 8:19:01 AM PDT · by Michael van der Galien · 57 replies · 1+ views
    Mark Morford’s San Francisco Chronicle column is what a leftist’s diary might look like — if that leftist was a horny 14-year-old with a man-sized crush on Obama and a predilection for verbally abusing conservative women. Hmm. Scratch that. Morford’s column is exactly what a leftist’s diary would look like. You might recognize Morford as the drooling Obama fetishist who proclaimed candidate Obama a “rare kind of attuned being” and a “Lightworker.” Or perhaps you remember his enlightened progressive description of “docile doormat” Laura Bush as “the ideal Republican wife: Prim, sexless, nearly useless, lets the men do the real...
  • Mark Morford: The rise of hugely insufferable women [Stunningly Spew-worthy]

    06/23/2010 10:58:58 AM PDT · by 2ndDivisionVet · 81 replies
    The San Francisco Chronicle ^ | June 23, 2010 | Mark Morford
    Not all grown men are suave, sexy, progressive George Clooney/Viggo Mortensen/Colin Farrell lookalikes with sharp blue eyes, stubbly outgrowths and abs like World Cup forwards, all hearts of gold, full heads of hair and perfectly sculpted genitalia custom designed to satisfy a small harem, make birds sing and goddesses purr. Not all adult men are strong and dependable, loyal and true, able to make you laugh, sigh, moan, buy you a drink, jump start your Mini in the rain, smell good all over, build a deck, parallel park a tractor-trailer, and feel sufficiently secure in their masculinity and humanity to...
  • 'A New Way of Being on the Planet'(Obama's "transcendence")

    06/10/2010 10:36:00 AM PDT · by This Just In · 20 replies · 165+ views
    The American Spectator ^ | June 10, 2010 | George Neumayr
    The Obama Watch 'A New Way of Being on the Planet' By George Neumayr on 6.10.10 @ 6:09AM During the feverish excitement of the 2008 campaign, a columnist for the online San Francisco Chronicle, Mark Morford, took it upon himself to educate anti-Obama naysayers with "dysfunctional karmic antennae." They had been asking him: "What the hell's the big deal about Obama?" The question looks prescient these days, but Morford's karmic antennae at the time picked up something different. Obama -- Morford had been told by "spiritually advanced people I know (not coweringly religious, mind you, but deeply spiritual)" -- was...
  • MORFORD: Totally Gay Happy Meals

    07/11/2008 7:45:20 AM PDT · by SmithL · 33 replies · 54+ views
    San Francisco Chronicle ^ | 7/11/8 | Mark Morford
    It is the end of the nutball Christian right. Here is your proof. To go - Hey, remember the angry evangelicals? The quivering clan of militant Christoholics who propelled Bush into office and seized the national narrative for a few terrifying moments about five years back, ran deep into the woods with it and rubbed it all over their naughty bits in a frenzy of fear and confusion and lust for all things homophobic and saccharine and spiritually denigrating? Dying. Nearly dead. Gasping their last. Very soon to be a footnote, a caricature, a gag, a punch line, blasted to...
  • Dear Texas: Please shut up. Sincerely, History (Morford Alert)

    03/17/2010 12:41:52 AM PDT · by stevie_d_64 · 44 replies · 1,872+ views
    SFGate ^ | Wednesday, March 17, 2010 | Mark Morford
    Hey, kids! Here's something I bet you didn't know: Black people? Back in 1800 or whenever? They liked being slaves. True! Many savvy, industrious Negroes actually volunteered for that fine, desirable position. It was a completely balanced, fair, hugely successful system, until those damn liberals came along and ruined everything. I know, right? What a shame. Do you know what else? America was wholly victorious in Vietnam. It's a fact! Kicked some serious enemy butt! Mission accomplished! Sure it was a little bumpy for awhile, but President Nixon, that great and wronged American hero, put us on the righteous path...
  • The big gay shrug Sorry, enemies of gay marriage. Prop 8 or no, you've already lost

    05/26/2009 6:50:48 PM PDT · by artichokegrower · 70 replies · 2,683+ views
    San Francisco Chronicle ^ | 5-26-09 | Mark Morford
    Here's a fun thing to do to calm your frazzled, saddened nerves in the wake of the CA Supreme Court's very unfortunate, but also merely annoying and karmically fleeting Proposition 8 decision: Head on down to your local high school -- hell, make it a junior high or even an elementary -- and take yourself an informal survey. Ask the various wary, bepimpled youth of Generation Tweet what they think about those scary gay people getting married.
  • SanFran Chron Columnist: Obama is 'Articulate, Zen-like, Brave,' There's 'Obmafied Bliss'

    03/01/2009 5:47:02 AM PST · by Mobile Vulgus · 13 replies · 495+ views
    Publius' Forum ^ | 3/01/09 | Warner Todd Huston
    Well, the San Francisco Chronicle's Mark Morford out does himself with sycophantic, hyperbole over his Obammessiah, today, February 27. He so revels in hero worship for The One, it's amazing that the White House doesn't feel compelled to get an order of protection against this creepy columnist. No one in the Old Media is more sold on The One and less credible for his girlish crush than Morford. He is a fount of mush as he wonders if he should be scared of today's problems or suffused with lust in his heart for Obama (if you'll remember the Carterism). It...
  • Hate's last stand (Morford Barf Alert)

    10/28/2008 10:49:46 PM PDT · by Pinkbell · 26 replies · 805+ views
    SF Chronicle ^ | October 29, 2008 | Mark Morford
    Let's not get carried away. Let's not go so far as to suggest we're about to enter into some sort of fluffy utopian tofu puppy happyland where nipples fly free and consciousness expands and the fetid rivers of racism and homophobia that course through the American heartland like acidic sewage somehow magically vanish, somehow become dramatically curtailed, should the twin forces of progress known as President Obama and a vanquished California Proposition 8 somehow come to pass. Let's not be naive. Just because it looks like the Western world is about to get its first black intellectual president, just because...
  • Planet Obama: What would happen if the entire world could vote in our election? One guess

    10/08/2008 8:21:23 AM PDT · by presidio9 · 39 replies · 780+ views
    San Francisco Chronicle ^ | Wednesday, October 8, 2008 | Mark Morford,
    The entire world is, apparently, full of whiny no-good commie liberals. It's true. This is the only logical conclusion, the only way you can possibly parse the piles of (largely unscientific, but still pretty damn convincing) numbers and data and full-blown emotional consciousness now pouring in from all over the world, pumping our little presidential election full of all sorts of cosmic meaning and profundity and oh-my-God-can-it-be-true. Check that: Maybe it's not the only way to parse it. But if you're a hard-core McCainite and/or are under some sort of unfortunate, chemically-induced delusion that Sarah Palin is just exactly the...
  • Bow to The Jedi Knight; The Lightworker Stands Before You!

    07/01/2008 6:57:48 AM PDT · by .cnI redruM · 41 replies · 321+ views ^ | 1 July 2008 | .cnI redruM
    Vote for him, Greedy Konservative, you must. It amuses me to no end the extent that the Kucinich Left will comingle fantasy and the real world. It goes far beyond the problems that some conservatives, such as John Miller, have had with being Teenage half-Orcs. While Miller personifies geekdom in a way that makes my highest level Cavalier-Palidan have to go back to the armory and re-sharpen his Bastard Sword, he knows well that he is wasting time on a game. He comprehends that he is indulging a hobby. Unlike Star Wars Creator George Lucas, he seems to grok the...
  • The Art of Ostracism

    06/07/2008 8:24:54 AM PDT · by moneyrunner · 11 replies · 24+ views
    The Virginian/NRO ^ | 6/7/2008 | Moneyrunner
    Victor Davis Hanson points out that Obama's past has, thus far produced two reactions. There are two disturbing—and now predictable—patterns to Obama's serial distancing from prior intimates. First, the post facto embarrassment is personalized in terms of "I" and "me," as if a Wright or Rezko is somehow doing something out of character aimed at Obama, rather than persisting in entirely predictable behavior that offends society at large. Thus in reaction to the racist Wright, we get "That's a show of disrespect to me," while Pfleger's venom prompts, "I am deeply disappointed in Father's Pfleger." But the issue is racial...
  • SFChron: Obama is a 'Rare Kind of Attuned Being,' a 'Lightworker'

    06/06/2008 7:27:45 PM PDT · by Mobile Vulgus · 145 replies · 144+ views ^ | 6/6/08 | Warner Todd Huston
    Well, I have come to the conclusion that Mark Morford of the San Francisco Chronicle just threw away the last tiny shred of credibility he might have had left by dreamily imagining that Barack Obama is so omniscient, so "ethereal" and so messiah-like that he isn't a "normal" human being. Maybe Mark thinks he might be an alien from another planet, some trans-dimensional traveler, or maybe an angel come down in human form to lead us sheep into the promised land? I'm not exaggerating either. In his latest piece he calls Obama a "Rare Kind of Attuned Being," a "Lightworker,"...
  • Dear God: If you can't stop Mark Morford, please teach him to use the internet

    05/01/2008 12:19:56 AM PDT · by I_Love_My_Husband · 14 replies · 103+ views
    San Francisco Weekly ^ | 4/30/2008 | Benjamin Wachs
    Dear God: If you can't stop Mark Morford, please teach him to use the internet Wed Apr 30, 2008 at 02:20:20 PM by Benjamin Wachs I try not to call Chron columnist Mark Morford out on his stylistic problem as a writer, because who has that kind of time? But as a fellow journalist I feel that research – knowing at least a little about what we’re writing about – is the very least we owe the public. The very, very least. So a few months ago I called him out on the sheer ignorance of his attacks against Christianity....
  • How to hate Barack Obama

    Right now, deep in the GOP dungeons, they're planning their racist, disgraceful assault. Whatever will it be?
  • MORFORD: Bush Death Watch: Countdown!

    11/16/2007 7:43:36 AM PST · by SmithL · 14 replies · 184+ views
    San Francisco Chronicle ^ | 11/16/7 | Mark Morford
    It's official: Less than one year until history slaps Dubya to the curb. Can you feel the tingle? It's just that kind of feeling, that sense of hesitant, embryonic optimism, the sense that says, oh my God, we as a culture and a smash-mouthed, war-hammered society really are fast approaching something possibly, potentially, heart-achingly new and different and — because it cannot get any worse — just a little bit better. Here is my suggestion: Mark your calendars, set your watch, program a celebratory ringtone well in advance, because the countdown has officially begun. It is now less than one...
  • American kids, dumber than dirt

    10/25/2007 11:08:04 AM PDT · by pabianice · 64 replies · 121+ views
    SF Gate ^ | 10/25/07 | Morford
    Warning: The next generation might just be the biggest pile of idiots in U.S. history I have this ongoing discussion with a longtime reader who also just so happens to be a longtime Oakland high school teacher, a wonderful guy who's seen generations of teens come and generations go and who has a delightful poetic sensibility and quirky outlook on his life and his family and his beloved teaching career. And he often writes to me in response to something I might've written about the youth of today, anything where I comment on the various nefarious factors shaping their minds...
  • MORFORD: My Life With Jenna Bush

    08/22/2007 7:57:11 AM PDT · by SmithL · 43 replies · 1,245+ views
    San Francisco Chronicle ^ | 8/22/7 | Mark Morford
    What's it like to be married to the booze-friendly, party-ready Bush twin? A vision - Jenna Bush, President and Laura Bush's daughter, is engaged, the White House announced Thursday. Jenna Bush, 25, is marrying Henry Hager, 28, a former White House aide who used to work with Karl Rove. His father, John Hager, is the chairman of the Virginia Republican Party. (CNN) I got her trained just right. She brings me a steady supply of cold Bud Lights while I chill on the La-Z-Boy watching the Nationals game on the plasma. Here's a funny: After any home run, I'll down...
  • MORFORD: Thank God You Are Not Karl Rove

    08/17/2007 8:02:07 AM PDT · by SmithL · 16 replies · 481+ views
    San Francisco Chronicle ^ | 8/17/7 | Mark Morford
    You have many things for which you can be deeply grateful. Here is one of the biggest: Yep, you've done some horrible things in your life. Embarrassing things. Stupid. Mean. Violent, even. Eaten dirt. Smacked a baby. Kicked a kitten. Stomped some flowers. Stole. Lied. Cheated. Beat up a tree. Spit instead of swallowed. Drank bad wine. Voted Republican. Shared a needle. Promised to call and then didn't. You know, the usual. But maybe some of these things now make you cringe and recoil and slump down a little lower in your chair when you think about them, because, well,...
  • Jesus Loves Your Crappy Videos (Morford Barf Alert)

    08/16/2007 5:29:14 PM PDT · by Cornjonny · 9 replies · 609+ views
    San Fran Chronicle ^ | 15 Aug 2007 | Mark Morford
    Behold, the place where sex, humor and warm spiritual inclusiveness go to die The Internets, they're just so chock-full of gul-dang liberals, aren't they? This is, after all, the big conservative lament. It's like you can't hit your Gizmodo or your Fleshbot or your Savage Love without running smack into some well-read, free-thinking pseudo-hipster gleefully expounding on the joys of anal sex or a recent hilarious Jon Stewart/"Daily Show" riff or offering up a link to some dark, brilliant Polish anti-war animation. Horrible! Or maybe it's a hot sex blogger slapping Fox News for being such an obvious bastion...
  • MORFORD: The Great Hello Kitty Humiliation

    08/10/2007 8:04:36 AM PDT · by SmithL · 6 replies · 334+ views
    San Francisco Chronicle ^ | 8/10/7 | Mark Morford
    Late for work? Hello Kitty! Cheat on your taxes? Hello Kitty! Kill some guy? Hello Kitty! Those Thai police, they know what for. Those bad-boy coppers know how to stick it straight to your fragile manly ego and twist that knife until you bleed and scream and whimper like an itty-bitty wide-eyed freckle-faced twinkle-toed girl. Oh yes they do. It's all about the fear, baby. All about the dire threat to the macho self-esteem. See, those cops have figured out what hunky men just like themselves really dread, and it turns out it's not gay sex and it's not peeing...
  • God Does Not Want 16 Kids(MEGA BARF ALERT)

    05/21/2007 6:24:57 PM PDT · by Pinkbell · 196 replies · 5,886+ views
    SFGate ^ | October 19, 2005 | Mark Morford
    Who are you to judge? Who are you to say that the more than slightly creepy 39-year-old woman from Arkansas who just gave birth to her 16th child yes that's right 16 kids and try not to cringe in phantom vaginal pain when you say it, who are you to say Michelle Duggar is not more than a little unhinged and sad and lost? And furthermore, who are you to suggest that her equally troubling husband -- whose name is, of course, Jim Bob and he's hankerin' to be a Republican senator and try not to wince in sociopolitical pain...
  • MORFORD: Everyone Should Get A Gun!

    04/20/2007 7:45:29 AM PDT · by SmithL · 6 replies · 276+ views
    San Francisco Chronicle ^ | 4/20/7 | Mark Morford
    Then no one would kill anyone, right? Also: Guns are fun. Americans like fun! You know what offers just tremendous amounts of pleasure? Shooting guns. It's true. Shotguns, handguns, rifles, BB guns, squirt guns, you name it. Try it yourself: Just head out to a shooting range and have the gun boys yank you some clay pigeons and blast those things out of the sky and oh my God it's just a ridiculous barefaced thrill, a sense of godlike power, a rush of adrenaline to go along with a hot buzz of precision and concentration and the smell of gunpowder...
  • MORFORD: You Say You Want A Resolution . . .

    01/03/2007 7:58:38 AM PST · by SmithL · 2 replies · 178+ views
    San Francisco Chronicle ^ | 1/3/7 | Mark Morford
    It's something in the air. It's something palpable and buzzy and strange and it tastes a little like warm honey but also a little like burned coffee and a whole hell of a lot like something you'd find deep in the belly button of a cloud. Oh my God, it's hope. Do you sense it? Do you feel it? Is it all cheesy and silly and eye-rollingly exhausting to even think about? Well, too bad. Because it's that rarest and most precious of divinely human energies and it seems to come around about this time every year, when spirits are...
  • MORFORD: I Apologize For My Nasty Slur

    12/15/2006 11:12:59 AM PST · by SmithL · 1 replies · 300+ views
    San Francisco Chronicle ^ | 12/15/6 | Mark Morford
    Yes, I said it. And I am very sorry. I was totally drunk. At least, I think I was. Forgive me? I would like to apologize, right here and now, to the entire black community. And also, of course, the white community. And the Asian American community and the Jewish community and also the Poles and the Latinos and the Italians and what the hell the Scots and the Welsh and the Germans and the nomadic herdsmen of Kuala Lumpur, too. After all, this is no time for bias. See, I did indeed utter that terrible slur. At least, I...
  • MORFORD: Are Humans Totally Stupid?

    12/08/2006 1:17:45 PM PST · by SmithL · 12 replies · 254+ views
    San Francisco Chronicle ^ | 12/8/6 | Mark Morford
    Either we're hell-bent on self-destruction, or we truly care about the planet. Or, you know, both - They say that when gas prices drop, SUV sales surge. Conversely, they say that when gas prices jump above three bucks a gallon and hover there for a while and everyone is slapped upside the head once again with the painful and obvious reminder that oh yeah we are in the midst of a brutal and losing war over waning petroleum deposits and we are heating up the planet like maniac monkeys and we are really really not paying close enough attention to...
  • MORFORD: Dick Cheney Totally Hates You

    11/03/2006 7:56:03 AM PST · by SmithL · 52 replies · 1,658+ views
    San Francisco Chronicle ^ | November 3, 2006 | Mark Morford
    That shirt? Those shoes? Your kids? Hates 'em, and everything else about you, too. Can you feel it? That shirt you're wearing right now? Chances are, Dick Cheney hates it. That car you drive? Thinks it's for whiny un-American pansies. The fact that you've probably eaten tofu and wear designer shoes and have actually had sex while standing up? Pervert heathen traitor to the real America, Dick thinks. He hates that. Some days, Dick has trouble counting all the ways in which he hates you, the world, life. Some days, he hates the fact that there are not enough hours...
  • MORFORD: Unmarried Tattooed Heathens, Ho!

    10/25/2006 8:09:38 AM PDT · by SmithL · 16 replies · 385+ views
    San Francisco Chronicle ^ | 10/25/6 | Mark Morford
    More shacking up, more visible body art, less concern for the old ways. Is America dead? America is dead. No really, it is. And it's not just because we've lost habeas corpus, a bedrock protective law and a cornerstone of American freedom, to the rabid, stupid dogs of neoconservative fearmongering. That merely feels like a weird horror movie, the leatherfaced guy with the chain saw hacking off the head of the sexy college girl and laughing maniacally. The pain is simply too horrific and cartoonish to even register. Yet. No, Bush's ambling rape of the Constitution and moral law is...
  • Windows Gives No Tongue

    07/14/2006 10:34:06 PM PDT · by Swordmaker · 28 replies · 581+ views
    SFGate ^ | Friday, July 14, 2006 | By Mark Morford, SF Gate Columnist
    Reminder: Microsoft's bloated OS is truly terrible in the sack. But a Mac will make you moan It has those beady little eyes. It has that seedy come-hither stare. It has overstretched pleather pants and million-dollar gold caps over stained teeth, through which glides that famously shrill voice that seems at once tempting and full of promise and yet also more than a little whiny, deceptive, ill. "Aww c'mon, baby," Windows pleads, kneeling at the foot of the bed. "This time it'll be different, I promise." It coughs that familiar phlegmy hack, like a busted Dell motherboard scraped over of...
  • MORFORD: George W. Bush Is Dead To Me

    07/07/2006 7:48:55 AM PDT · by SmithL · 35 replies · 759+ views
    San Francisco Chronicle ^ | 7/7/6 | Mark Morford
    Nation cringes as the worst president ever continues long, painful slog to the end - It is like some sort of virus. It is like some sort of weird and painful rash on your face that makes you embarrassed to walk out the door and so you sit there day after day, waiting for it to go away, slathering on ointment and Bactine and scotch. And yet still it lingers. Some days the pain is so searing and hot you want to cut off your own head with a nail file. Other days it is numb and pain-free and seemingly...
  • MORFORD: Please Try My Dating Service

    06/30/2006 7:50:56 AM PDT · by SmithL · 3 replies · 279+ views
    San Francisco Chronicle ^ | 6/30/6 | Mark Morford
    It is not for Republicans. It is not for bow hunters. Also, no cat hoarders. Sign up now! does not allow cleavage. This much I learned from a female friend who used the enormous online dating service during a brief glitch in her dating career, and for whom I helped prepare the most modest of pix (waist up, cowboy hat, big smile, snug halter top, faintest sliver of shadow between breasts), only to have the photo immediately nixed by the site's apparently pallid and secretly Mormon editors who actively disallow even the slightest hint of flesh or pillow talk...
  • MORFORD: Which Way To The Apocalypse?

    06/09/2006 7:46:33 AM PDT · by SmithL · 8 replies · 474+ views
    San Francisco Chronicle ^ | 6/9/6 | Mark Morford
    When all the fanatical Christians disappear, will traffic finally improve? Wait, did I miss it? Did it happen three days ago, on 6-6-06, a.k.a. Tea Time with the Beast, a.k.a. the Great Day of Reckoning, a.k.a. the National Day of Slayer, all the world crashing down in a heap of hissing steam and belching smoke and balmy gusty breezes sometime around noon just after lunch but not before rush hour and hitting right around siesta? I might have been napping. Did the Apocalypse finally hit? Did the deep wish of roughly a half-billion zealous believers come to pass and were...
  • MORFORD: Can You Still Hate Wal-Mart?

    05/24/2006 7:44:47 AM PDT · by SmithL · 26 replies · 1,087+ views
    San Francisco Chronicle ^ | 5/24/6 | Mark Morford
    It's a shockingly eco-friendly plan from the world's most toxic retailer. Did hell just freeze over? Sometimes you just have to let the possibility breathe. Sometimes you just have to allow that something grand and good and healthy might actually be born from the bowels of the dank and ravenous megacorporate world, like flowers from a dung heap, like vodka from old potatoes, even if it comes right alongside the nastiest, most abusive federal environmental policy you will see in your lifetime. Take Wal-Mart, the most famously offensive, town-destroying, junk-purveying, labor-abusing, sweatshop-supporting, American-job-killing, soul-numbing, seizure-inducing, hope-curdling retailer in the known...
  • Purity Balls… The latest casualty of San Francisco style tolerance.

    05/16/2006 9:56:59 AM PDT · by Craig DeLuz · 12 replies · 387+ views
    The Home of Uncommon Sense ^ | 05/16/2006 | Craig DeLuz
    Fathers make a profound gesture to support their daughters in their decision to save themselves for marriage, and what do they do in San Francisco? Mock them! Tolerance is alive and well in San Francisco… Read More...
  • MORFORD: Christian Virgins Are Overrated

    05/12/2006 5:59:51 AM PDT · by SmithL · 19 replies · 1,740+ views
    San Francisco Chronicle ^ | 5/12/6 | Mark Morford
    Think sex and drugs destroy America? Try naive chastity. Oh, and "Purity Balls" There are these things. These unholy events called "Purity Balls" and you should probably fall to your knees right this minute and thank a merciful and lubricious and happily polyamorous God that you do not know what they are and that you have access right this minute to vast quantities of wine to deflect their nasty karmic arrows because, you know, oh my God. But hey, free country. Purity Balls. No, not some sort of newfangled spherical chastity device to be inserted using vacuum tubes and pulleys,...
  • Bring on 6$ a Gallon Gas

    05/10/2006 7:56:48 PM PDT · by Tzimisce · 50 replies · 2,161+ views ^ | Mark Morford
    No wait, not six. To hell with that. Make it 10. Ten bucks a gallon, no matter what the going rate for a barrel of light sweet crude. That would so completely, violently, brilliantly do it. Revolutionize the country. Firebomb our pungent stasis. Change everything. Don't you agree? Here's what we could do: Give gas discounts to cab drivers (at least initially) and metro transit systems and low-income folks, those who have to drive their busted-up '78 Honda Civics to their jobs scrubbing restaurant toilets and flipping burgers and vacuuming the residual cocaine from the seat cushions of numb SUV...
  • MORFORD: Want to change the world? Make gas $10 a gallon.

    05/10/2006 7:54:36 AM PDT · by SmithL · 67 replies · 1,539+ views
    San Francisco Chronicle ^ | 5/10/6 | Mark Morford
    No wait, not 6. To hell with that. Make it 10. Ten bucks a gallon, no matter what the going rate for a barrel of light, sweet crude. That would so completely, violently, brilliantly do it. Revolutionize the country. Firebomb our pungent stasis. Change everything. Don't you agree? Here's what we could do: Give gas discounts to cabdrivers (at least initially), metro transit systems and low-income folks, those who have to drive their busted-up '78 Honda Civics to their jobs scrubbing restaurant toilets and flipping burgers and vacuuming the residual cocaine from the seat cushions of numb SUV owners. Everyone...
  • MORFORD: Long Live The 9/11 Conspiracy!

    03/29/2006 5:53:09 AM PST · by SmithL · 7 replies · 299+ views
    San Francisco Chronicle ^ | 3/29/6 | Mark Morford
    Anyone still care about the heap of disturbing, unsolved questions surrounding Our Great Tragedy? Here is your must-read for the month. Here is your oh-my-God-I'm-sending-this-piece-to-every-smart-person-I-know hunk of outstanding, distressing, disquieting media bliss. Here it is: an absolutely exceptional inside scoop on the white-hot world of Sept. 11 conspiracy theories, writ large and smart by Mark Jacobson over at New York magazine, and it's mandatory reading for anyone and everyone who's ever entertained the nagging thought that something -- or rather, far more than one something -- is deeply wrong with the official line on what actually happened on Sept. 11....
  • MORFORD: S. Dakota Slaps Up Its Women

    03/03/2006 5:54:03 AM PST · by SmithL · 9 replies · 382+ views
    San Francisco Chronicle ^ | 3/3/6 | Mark Morford
    Another state you should never visit passes an appalling abortion ban, because they hate youAttention all funky sexy single intelligent women of South Dakota (assuming there are any left): It is time. Pack it up. Strip the bed, box up the cat, load the U-Haul, call your hip friends over in Minneapolis, move out West, or East, or anywhere with a mind-set not stuck like a bloody nail in the moral coffin of 1845. Let this be your clarion call. Get the hell out, right now. Here is why: You state hates you. Your state, apparently run be pallid sexless...
  • Morford: Obese American Tourists, Ho!

    02/22/2006 9:42:49 PM PST · by TFFKAMM · 35 replies · 1,262+ views
    San Francisco Chronicle ^ | 2/22/06 | Mark Morford (who else, pray tell?)
    I have seen deep azure seas and delicious star-addled skies and crazily overdressed mariachi bands playing "La Cucaracha" for drunken tourists so many times in one night the poor bass player looked like he wanted to be shot. I have seen the classic American mullet and the epic Mexican mullet, both shockingly alive and well and for some ungodly reason flourishing like angry time-warp ferrets on the heads of beefy simpleminded men so utterly lost to time and space they should be in some sort of institution. I mean, my God...
  • MORFORD: I Wanna Be A Crackhead Author

    01/18/2006 7:53:28 AM PST · by SmithL · 6 replies · 173+ views
    San Francisco Chronicle ^ | 1/18/6 | Mark Morford
    Hello, I am an ex-hooker heroin addict with AIDS who eats live puppies. Please read my book. I shall start my story humbly, meekly, just like JT LeRoy and James Frey. Small town, somewhere in Idaho or maybe rural Montana, brought up by a sadistic pedophiliac Pentecostal preacher father who only has one good arm and a decimated colon, and a narcoleptic mother with 17 cats who sucks down cases of Tab and reads the "Left Behind" books as nonfiction and who passes out every night in a Percocet haze watching endless reruns of "Knight Rider." Me and my two...
  • 'Brokeback' breach for repressed men; Film's message -- this could be you

    01/15/2006 8:20:02 PM PST · by TFFKAMM · 110 replies · 3,238+ views
    San Francisco Chronicle ^ | 1/15/06 | Rod Hagen
    West Hollywood -- I am a gift. A prize. After years of difficult repression, men with a secret seek me out as a reward for their good behavior. I make a living having sex with these closeted married men. I'm an "escort," to use the euphemism, which gives me a unique perspective on a potential, and particular, cultural fallout as "Brokeback Mountain" widens out not just to Britain but to every remaining crumb in America's breadbasket. Much has been made about the "turning point" effect Academy Award-winning director Ang Lee's Oscar-jockeying film could force upon Hollywood. The movie is based...
  • Morford: Does 'Narnia' Actually Suck?

    01/11/2006 8:36:00 AM PST · by presidio9 · 104 replies · 2,729+ views
    San Francisco Chronicle ^ | January 11, 2006 | Mark Morford (stay away from her wardrobe)
    I was all wrong about "Narnia." Which is to say, about six months ago in this space I was hell-bent on the white-hot idea that Hollywood and the Christian-right group/billionaire that helped produce the tepid and saccharine flick would absolutely ruin "The Chronicles of Narnia" books, ruin the deep magic and the astounding sense of wonder these books held for millions of children (including this writer) by regurgitating them as a slick, dumbed-down, poorly acted smarm-fest full of ham-fisted Jesus allusions and excessive special effects, all from the director who brought you, ahem, "Shrek 2." Things did not, shall we...
  • By all accounts, bank thing was the last straw(mark morford barf alert)

    12/09/2005 7:15:22 AM PST · by Dane · 15 replies · 675+ views
    San Francisco Chronicle ^ | 12/09/05 | mark morford
    By all accounts, bank thing was the last straw Mark Morford Friday, December 9, 2005 In an astonishing but not completely unexpected announcement, Jesus H. Christ, vice president and CFO of All That Is Inc., appeared today on a large tortilla at a roadside taco stand in Zacatecas, Mexico, to announce that, effective immediately, the pseudo-Christian group Focus on the Family, led by James Dobson and most known for its blazing hatred of gays and its fear of glimpsing the human female nipple during nationally televised sporting events, is effectively banned from His Divine Beneficence. "What happened was, the heavens...
  • MORFORD: Long Needles For Large Butts

    12/07/2005 7:35:15 AM PST · by SmithL · 3 replies · 256+ views
    San Francisco Chronicle | 12/7/5 | Mark Morford
    More obesity means even syringes aren't long enough anymore. What the hell are we so hungry for? It's just one of those wicked telling signs, one of those sad little cultural punches that make you cringe and sigh even as you stifle a laugh and roll your eyes at the state of it all, as you read the one about how an increasing percentage of people -- mostly women but half of the men, too -- aren't receiving their proper dosage of medicine when given a shot in the rear by a nurse at the hospital because, well, their butts...
  • MORFORD: Eat My Holiday Cheer

    12/02/2005 7:42:27 AM PST · by SmithL · 9 replies · 271+ views
    San Francisco Chronicle ^ | 12/2/5 | Mark Morford
    Screw joy and togetherness. It's all about retail, just like Jesus would have wanted. Does it not feel more manic and insane this year? Is there not more commercial pressure and consumerist mania and does it not seem increasingly surreal and obnoxious and silly? Or is it all relative and it just seems more utterly intolerable because we've had 10 months to try and forget the last holiday season's odious marketing-shopping miasma?
  • MORFORD: When The City Eats Your Soul

    11/30/2005 7:40:02 AM PST · by SmithL · 8 replies · 256+ views
    San Francisco Chronicle ^ | 11/30/5 | Mark Morford
    Where do you go when you've had enough of the urban grind but still crave it like heroin? Then come those times, like when you walk out your front door on a calm sunny Sunday morn and find your shiny new car has been smashed by a hit-and-run driver to the tune of 14 grand's worth of repairs and your heart sinks and your normally Zenlike ennui boils over and you look around your grungy metropolitan neighborhood with a sudden mix of resignation and revulsion and an uncontrollable hissing sigh, that you realize how fed up you are with life...