Free Republic

Though the City of Houston has backed off its demand for local area ministers to submit copies of their Sunday sermons to the City’s attorneys, it is now demanding copies of any non-sermon speeches they may have made. Mayor Annise Parker, Houston’s first openly lesbian mayor, defended this blatant invasion of freedom of speech, arguing that “Houston Equal Rights Ordinance (HERO) is the law of this land. No one is entitled to speak out against the law, especially not church leaders.” “Churches have special exemptions from government taxes,” Parker pointed out. “As a quid-pro-quo for this benefit they ought to...

The US troops President Obama has ordered into West Africa to help in the battle against Ebola are receiving a scant 4 hours of training about the virus. Soldiers who have had the training have characterized it as "frightening." "We will be exposed with minimal protective gear." "If you get it you'll probably die a horrible death." "It's far worse than getting shot or even blown up." United States Army Medical Research Institute of Infectious Diseases (USAMRIID) spokeswoman Caree Vander-Linden insisted that the skimpy training was "appropriate for the mission. We're basically trying to warn the troops to be cautious,...

President Obama took decisive action on the growing Ebola crisis this week by appointing two well-traveled political operatives to key roles. On the national front, he named Ron Klain his special Ebola Czar. At the same time, he tabbed Adrian Saenz to manage events on the ground in Dallas—site of America's “patient zero.” The fact that neither man has any expertise in any medical field, much less in infectious diseases, took many observers by surprise. Republican Senator Jerry Moran of Kansas called the appointments “puzzling. When I called for the naming of an Ebola czar I thought the fact that...

The USSA’s Center for Disease and Gun Control has announced that the State will not impose any travel restrictions due to the Ebola outbreak until after the November 4 elections to ensure that all workers and peasants can have free access to ballots and polling places during this critical struggle for Progress. Comrade Disease Director Thomas Frieden has declared that Ebola is only ‘semi-transmittable’ and therefore only official Party-certified doctors can actually impose quarantines on an as-needed basis. In the meantime, those who believe they are exhibiting symptoms, while not contagious until after the November 2 elections, are asked to...

ISIS releases snippet of new Nickelback single, threaten to unleash full song if demands not met by Chris Peacock Today, a senior ISIS Public Retaliations Officer and the organisation’s Chief Torturer Abu-Hassan bin-harem announced that a new kind of warfare may soon be on our hands. “We have recently obtained a new type of weapon. Our Long-Acoustic Range Device (LARD) is capable of damage beyond anyone’s wildest imagination.” It has been confirmed that the militant group is referring to Nickelback’s new song titled Edge of a Revolution; a song so awful that it is crippling and at times even lethal....

In a debate with GOP opponent Ed Gillespie, Senator Mark Warner (D-Va) expressed little concern over the reported 250,000 Virginians who lost their health care insurance coverage due to Obamacare. “Look, every battle has casualties,” Warner blandly commented. “What we need to do is weigh these against the gains achieved by the Affordable Care Act, of which I believe there were many.” Among the gains cited by Warner were coverage for preexisting conditions, equal prices for men and women, and keeping children on parents' plans until age 26. As good as these provisions may sound to Obamacare advocates, they yield...

In what some project to be the opening gambit of a potential 2016 presidential campaign, Maryland’s Governor Martin O’Malley (D) declared that access to WiFi is a human right. “I’m not saying that people should merely be free to purchase and use WiFi at their own expense,” O’Malley clarified. “Doing what you please and paying for it out of your own pocket is an archaic conception of basic human rights. It may have been fine for our nation’s Founding Fathers because they didn’t know any better. Fortunately, we’ve made significant advances in our thinking since then.” A key phrase that...

President Obama’s efforts to try to differentiate Democrats from “billionaire Republicans” was undercut by his own participation in a posh fund-raiser sponsored by billionaire Rich Richman. Though the entry fee for the event ranged from $1,000 to $32,000, the President insisted that “it was an opportunity for the middle class to have a say in the electoral process” contending that “the $1,000 minimum fee was less than half the annual $2500 savings in health insurance premiums that each middle class family has experienced under the Affordable Care Act.” As for billionaire host Rich Richman, the President asserted that “there are...

The Democratic candidate for the US Senate in Kentucky, Alison Grimes refused repeated queries as to whether she voted for Obama in either 2008 or 2012. “People may think they have a right to know, but they don’t,” Grimes forcefully asserted. “In this country we have a secret ballot. No one has the right to demand to know how I cast that ballot.” Louisville Courier-Journal editor Pam Platt defended asking the question when Grimes appeared at the paper’s editorial board meeting to seek its endorsement in her race to unseat Republican Senator Mitch McConnell. “The secret ballot is meant to...

President Obama's attempt to reassure people that “you can't get Ebola from sitting next to someone on a bus” directly contradicted the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) advice for people who have returned from Ebola infested west African nations to avoid taking public transportation. “The President seems to have misunderstood what we told him,” CDC Director Tom Frieden explained. “Of course, the President would never have to worry about catching Ebola from a fellow bus passenger because he never rides on public transportation. How he generalized this into a notion that no one could catch Ebola from close...

A thawing of the rivalry between Hamas and Fatah was hailed by State Department spokesperson Jen Psaki as “a positive step toward resolving the issue of Zionist occupation of Palestinian lands. This helps thwart Israel’s attempt to drive a wedge between Muslims.” “From a broader perspective anything that stops Muslims from fighting amongst themselves is an encouraging development,” Psaki said. “Different sects of Islam have been warring against one another for centuries. Jihad is a noble endeavor that should not be frittered away on internal disagreements. This needlessly siphons off energy that could be more productively employed for the good...

The incoherence of President Obama's foreign policy and the cascade of domestic policy scandals are being unfairly exploited for political gain according to former Obama Press Secretary Robert Gibbs. "Hitting a man when he is down is just plain dirty," Gibbs maintained. "It's disloyal and unpatriotic. Rather than criticize the President, Republicans should be looking for ways to help him recover from the battering he is taking in the media. That would be the decent thing to do." Gibbs was especially outraged that "the GOP hasn't given the President enough credit for what he has accomplished. President Obama came into...

The White House announced today that starting in January 2015, a new Immigration-Travel Center will be set up at the White House for individuals traveling to and from West Africa. Travelers will arrive at Washington Dulles airport and will be shuttle for free to the center. They will be processed through the front door and into the left wing with final process taking place in the Green Room since an individual who was unauthorized already made it that far anyway. A special parking area will be set up on Pennsylvania Ave. for cars and shuttles transporting travelers from the West...

The radical, racist, and reactionary right is at it again! This time, they are stoking ugly, xenophobic, and nativist fears that Americans could contract the deadly ebola virus from African immigrants or visitors to the US! These fears are really just a smokescreen for those who hate African-Americans, Mexican-Americans, Muslims and other immigrant groups along with hating the LGBT. They have no basis in reality, and the accusation really proves how desperate racists are to find ANY and EVERY excuse possible for limiting immigration. What are these white hate mongers so afraid of? The truth is that racist white people...

Meg Kissinger, a long-time reporter for the politically liberal Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, attempted to cover a Milwaukee campaign speech by First Lady Michelle Obama. She was stunned to discover that she was prohibited from talking to members of the audience. Michelle’s aide Mary Burke explained that “it is important that the message the First Lady is trying to communicate not be confounded by inappropriate crowd comments to any reporters. This is, after all, her event. She has a right to control how it is perceived and reported.” “To say that I was creeped out is an understatement,” Kissinger said. “We...

Protests from Muslims that dogs are “unclean” has prompted United Kingdom Transport officials to ban the use of dogs to sniff out explosives that terrorists might attempt to smuggle onto transportation vehicles. Secretary of State for Transport Patrick McLoughlin explained that “for Muslims contact with a dog or even being in the presence of a dog is a certain and serious defilement. Since this is a religious belief rather than just a personal quirk it ought to merit the full protection of the law. I mean, we can’t trample this right merely on the theoretical possibility that without these dogs...

THE PENTAGON — U.S. Army leaders insist their force is still “the greatest fighting force in human history” even after a woeful record exacerbated by two debacles in Iraq and Afghanistan, sources confirmed today. “Look at the Roman Legion,” said Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Martin ‘McFly’ Dempsey, comparing the Romans to the modern U.S. Army which failed in Vietnam, Kosovo, Iraq, Libya, Iraq again, Afghanistan, and barely tied in Korea. “They never once waged a proper counterinsurgency. They never won hearts and minds, they just went right in and nailed the insurgents to crosses along the Appian Way. That’s...

Revelations that the ISIS grew while President Obama skipped nearly 60% of his scheduled intelligence briefings has sparked harsh criticism from mostly GOP sources. Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY) characterized the missed briefings as “disturbing and possibly irresponsible. Is ignorance of what’s going on in the world behind what appears to be this Administration’s feckless foreign policy?” Former Vermont Governor and Democratic presidential aspirant Howard Dean dismissed the criticisms as “baseless. The erroneous premise is that any information that the President might have gleaned from any briefings would have altered his policy decisions. People who know the President are confident that...

The Vice President announced his run for another term as Vice President in 2016. Slow Joe Biden stated that he wanted to get the jump on any other possible candidates and get a lock on the position by the end of 2014. Slow Joe stated that he was going to make the announcement last week but unexpected events prevented it. With the Secret Service falling apart, Slow Joe was put on standby to caddy and wash balls for Barack if the assigned Secret Service agent again failed to report to duty. There have been several instances recently where the designated...

Miffed that so many Democrats running for reelection have shunned his endorsement and declined to appear in public with him, President Obama sought to take control of the narrative by insisting that "though I'm not on the ballot this November my policies certainly are." Mortified Democrats raced to microphones across the nation to dispute the President's assertion. Senator Kay Hagan (D-NC) called the President's words "very discouraging and a 'stab in the back.' We supported his programs. He needs us in the Senate if he hopes to push ahead with his transformation. We're on-board with that, but we can't get...