Posted on 03/10/2018 7:18:24 PM PST by SeekAndFind
Over the last few decades, we’ve seen a revolutionary change in the way marriage works in America.
In your great-grandparents’ heyday, relationships were more about raising a family and making a living than love. That doesn’t mean there wasn’t any love involved; it just means the motivations were often a little different than they are today. Women wanted to get out from under the same roof as their parents and have kids. When a woman found a decent man who treated her well and seemed like he could provide for her and her children, that was often enough of a foundation to build a marriage. After all, the country was much poorer then, so her parents couldn’t necessarily support her and she didn’t have a lot of job options. A husband was the best financial option most women had back then.
Today, most women can take care of themselves and those who can’t have the federal government helping them, so they don’t NEED a man to take care of them financially. Combine this with the fact that financial opportunities for uneducated and unskilled men are dramatically reduced from the pre-shipping container/pre-computer age and marriage has been forever changed. That male dockworker can no longer support a family by himself and even if the wealthier, more educated female executive were to marry him (and she probably wouldn’t because he has less status than she does), the marriage would be far less stable because financial need wouldn’t hold them together.
This has a lot to do with why divorce happened much less frequently in the past. Not only was it a little scandalous to get divorced, a woman had a lot more worries about how to pay her bills if she decided to go her own way. That combination of financial need and social stigma held people together. Consider that “the 1967 crude (divorce) rate was 8.7 times as large as that for 1867” and it becomes obvious that marriage was a much more certain bet for previous generations of Americans.
As the need for financial security has fallen away, “love” has become the primary motivator of people who want to marry. The problem with that is that love can be one fickle b*tch.
For most people, that hot, passionate love driven by hormones that makes you crazy for someone else typically doesn’t last forever. Additionally, as people say, “familiarity breeds contempt.” When a woman is on year three of sex with the same person, she just picked his stained underwear off the floor again and what she thought were cute little idiosyncrasies early on have started to get on her nerves, “love” has turned out to be a much less effective cement than financial necessity. That’s very important because almost 70 percent of the time the woman is the one who files for divorce.
Given that we have a justice system that rewards women and punishes men at every opportunity during and after a divorce, it’s no surprise that women are more likely to be the ones ending the marriage. Courts heavily side with women over men when it comes to custody of the children. Chances are if you’re a man in a battle for custody, you’re going to lose and then you’re going to be forced to pay through the nose for the privilege of not getting to spend as much time with your kids as you like. Speaking of which, financially, the courts still act as if we’re in the thirties. Certainly, there could be a situation where a significant alimony payment would be the only fair solution, but that should be a fairly rare occurrence in this day and age.
Imagine a secretary who makes $30,000 a year who marries a CEO making 10 million dollars a year. Five years later, they get divorced. How much does she deserve? Most women would say “half.” At least “half” of what he made while they were together. The honest answer a lot of men would give you would be “nothing.” You know how much she contributed to the man’s success in his career? Nothing of significance. How much is she worth in the working world after the marriage? About the same as she was before, plus she’s had the advantage of having her much richer husband buy her things for years that she’ll take with her. Do you know what he should owe her in that situation after five years of marriage that didn’t work out in the end? Nothing, just like she owes him. Yet and still, in many states, her husband would be expected to keep her living in the “style to which she has become accustomed.” This is exactly the reason that any MAN WHO ALREADY HAS MONEY is crazy if he doesn’t insist on a prenuptial contract before a wedding. Is that romantic? No, but neither is giving a woman who hates your guts half your money. Does it imply you’re not 100 percent sure the marriage will last? Yes, it does, but in a world where divorce is so common, no one can really be sure a marriage will last anymore. You can claim otherwise if you like, but you’re just whistling past the graveyard. I’ve known women who divorced a husband because he lost his job and had trouble finding another one; because she wanted to relive her party years at 35 years old with two kids; because she decided her husband wasn’t manly enough; it goes on and on and on. What I am telling you is that there are no guarantees and your sweet, reasonable honey who loves you to death may decide she wants out of the marriage and turn into a monster once she has a lawyer whispering in her ear during the divorce. Guess what? Usually, the guy never sees it coming.
This can lead to a situation where you’re paying for the lifestyle of a woman who doesn’t want to be with you anymore and is using your kids as a weapon against you while you struggle financially. I know more than one man who has been in this situation. Almost every man does these days. Some people would tell you that’s just the price of marriage. “Hey, if she’s not worth that, then don’t get married.” But how often does the opposite situation happen? How often is a woman stuck paying the bills for her ex-husband while he has the kids after he decided he “just wasn’t in love” anymore? I’ve never heard of a situation like that, although I’m sure it has probably happened. This is an enormous risk that marriage entails for men, but generally not for women.
You also can’t underestimate the impact of having reliable female birth control and women pursuing their careers. Between college and many women trying to climb the career ladder, marriages are occurring later than ever. There was a time in American history when 80% of people were married by 21. That is no longer true.
Barely half of all adults in the United States—a record low—are currently married, and the median age at first marriage has never been higher for brides (26.5 years) and grooms (28.7), according to a new Pew Research Center analysis of U.S. Census data. In 1960, 72% of all adults ages 18 and older were married; today just 51% are. If current trends continue, the share of adults who are currently married will drop to below half within a few years.
The longer you wait to get married, the less of a chance there is that the marriage will produce children. Take the potential of having children out of the equation and marriage is even less appealing to many men. Keep in mind that single women can now easily avoid pregnancy and have become much more promiscuous than they used to be. Does that mean every single guy is getting laid left and right? Not at all, but it does mean that sex is much more available to the average single man than it was 100 years ago. In other words, even if a man never gets married, he doesn’t have to forego sex. In fact, he has the opportunity to have sex with multiple women, an attractive proposition to most men that would be denied to him if he were married. On top of that, he doesn’t have to take on any burdens. He’s not financially responsible for his girlfriend. He doesn’t have to take care of the kid she had with another guy five years ago. There’s no potential for a brutal divorce if things don’t work out. Typically, women are the ones who grew up dreaming of the perfect wedding and the commitment that followed. Most men just grew up dreaming of having sex with beautiful women.
At one time, those two fantasies had to merge. When our society was less promiscuous, the man needed to get married to have regular access to sex. He got what he wanted and she got what she wanted. Is that still true today? The numbers say “No.”
Back in the early 1990s, the average American had sex about 60 to 62 times per year, but that number dropped to less than 53 times per year by 2014. Among married couples specifically, the drop was even more dramatic - from about 73 times per year in 1990 to 55 in 2014. This actually brings the sex lives of married couples below people who've never been married, who have sex about 59 times per year as of 2014. So if you’re a man, getting married may very well mean LESS SEX and with the same woman instead of potentially sleeping with multiple women. It also means risking a soul-ripping divorce where the court system will be stacked against you. Oh, and don’t even mention the old, “Getting married? Wow, I’ll be treated like a king!” fantasy that men had once. Today, you’re more likely to be treated to demands that you do half the weekly housework.
When you look at that sort of thing, it’s easy to understand why some men are simply opposed to marriage. I am not one of those men, but I will tell you the scales have tipped too far against men in marriage. By that, I mean that unless something changes that shifts the institution of marriage back onto more favorable ground for men, marriage will have great difficulty recovering in America. Since marriage is one of the most important building blocks of a successful society, that’s something none of us should want.
You’re going to have to back those numbers up. I’ve always heard that half of marriages fail and that includes a greater than average number for second and later marriages, leaving less than 50% of first marriages ending in divorce at any time during their lifetimes.
That is what I have heard as well.
There are serial marrying types out there that tilt the stats toward marriage failure.
But times are changing, and marriage may be less popular.
[Many of us women are very well off and would insist that the man sign a prenup. Just sayin....]
Well George Costanza wanted Susan Ross to sign a pre-nup.....
Another one of Cosmo Kramer’s million-dollar ideas!
Yep. So why bother? Ironically, the solution to all this just might be sex robots. You may think it's preposterous but let's say men are no longer interested in women because they'll be able to purchase realistic dolls without any baggage. All of a sudden, women will realize men are ignoring them and then the marketplace could change. Anyway, it will be very interesting to see what happens in the next 20 years or so especially with technology continuing to improve.
My ex threatened to call the cops the night SHE decided we were divorcing, and do it in front of my son. She Had a bruise from walking the dog and was prepared to lie and claim I did it. The last thing I needed was my Asperger's son seeing his father cuffed and hauled away. Cops here have a zero tolerance policy.
The CDC confirms Marriage is Dead
According to the CDC and the National Survey of Family Growth, 93% of first marriages fail within the first 10 years. Quote:
First Marriage Survival (Probability of lasting more than 10 years) Probability
Probability that a first marriage will survive 10 years 6.6 % – 1 in 15
If there was no birth during marriage 3.7 % – 1 in 27
If there was a birth before marriage 6.5 % – 1 in 15
If there was a birth 0-7 months after marriage 7.4 % – 1 in 13
If there was a birth 8+ months after marriage 7.9 % – 1 in 12
Exactly. I remember we made our commitment “till death do us part” before GOD and our friends and family. Like other things today, God seems to be on the outside of a lot of things and may explain many issues we seem to be facing.
Well, then the West will cease to exist. We'll be replaced by the Arabs and the Africans. They won't give a damn about feminism lol.
Also sex dolls. Less stuff likely to go wrong/need fixing.
And not just men buying them. Women buy 6% of sex dolls right now and that number is increasing. Of course they have had the monopoly on sex toys for a hundred years, millenia if you count fruits and vegetables and other things.
After I beat her, she started washing dishes again. (Just a joke...so calm down.)
Can you just write without?
Marriage worked well for past generations due to a common, and stable value system of Judaeo-Christian roots.
IMO, that exists today only in a minority. Hollywood, advertising, and the music industry are shaping young folk’s values instead of the 10 commandments. A covenant? They have no idea.
An above reply mentioned that divorce laws favor the 1950’s image of marriage. Times have changed. There are very few 1950’s modern marriages. Those kind of relationships are few and far between for the younger generation.
I am recently divorced and will never remarry. I have already been in that rodeo and see no reason to expose myself to that level of risk again. I currently give my ex-wife $3K a month for child support plus about 70% of the kid’s incidentals such as music, lessons, sports, etc. that adds up to about $3.7K a month. She called me two weeks ago and asked me for money to pay for her $1500 insurance copy for a lumpectomy and she was surprised and hurt when I told her that it was her boyfriend’ an/or her family’s responsibility.
No nookie, no cookie.
For half the people involved.
Omaha Beach on D-day had an 8.2% death rate.
So you have at least a 6 times better chance of surviving the opening scene of Saving Private Ryan, than of surviving a marriage intact.
Is that the same CDC that has told us for years to get that “flu shot” to prevent the flu or we will all get terribly sick? Haha. I don’t know about the rest but I haven’t and haven’t had the flu either.
Life is a series of gambles. Sometimes, it is worth taking a gamble. If you are truly in love, and as montag813 mentions, have God at the center, marriage can and will be rewarding and everlasting.
I’m most curious about your screen name.
I just want to congratulate you on scoring 4 touchdowns in one game, for Polk High, in 1966.
And I was married for 27 years. My wife had previously been the director of children's ministries at our church. Left that position for a secular job at a social service agency where her co-workers were all divorced women. Within 6 months, my wife had a midlife crisis and decided she didn't want to be married anymore. She walked out on me and our two minor children and filed for divorce -surprise, surprise - using the same lesbian bull dyke attorney as her co-workers. I got totally screwed in the divorce and am being forced to sell the house (100% funded by my salary) because I can't afford to buy out "her" 50%. To add insult to injury, I'm being forced to pay half of her attorney fees because her attorney successfully argued that my desire to remain married (until death do us part in a covenant with God) delayed the divorce process.
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