Posted on 09/21/2018 9:01:14 AM PDT by sodpoodle
A young punk gets on the cross town bus and sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man.
The young punk has spiked, multi-colored, green, purple, and orange hair. His clothing is a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright red, yellow and green feathers.
The old man glares at the young punk for him for the next ten miles, as the bus travels across the city.
Finally, the punk looks across at the old man, and yells, "What are you looking at, old man! Didn't you do anything wild when you were young?"
Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah. Back when I was very young and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore and had sex with a parrot... I thought you might be my son."
lol
“I’ll put him off at the next stop and I’ll buy a banana for your monkey.”
(I didn’t get this one;) !!!!!!
Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first man, “What is three times three?” “274” was his reply.
The doctor says to the second man, “It’s your turn. What is three times three?” “Tuesday”, replies the second man.
The doctor says to the third man, “Okay, your turn. What’s three times three”? “Nine”, says the third man. “That’s great!” says the doctor. “How did you get that”?
“Simple,” says the third man. “I subtracted 274 from Tuesday.”
A guy goes to a girl’s house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he’s standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up, and as he’s looking at it, she walks back in.
He says “What’s this?”
She says, “Oh, my father’s ashes are in there.”
He says, “Jeez...oooh....I...”
She says, “Yeah, he’s too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray.”
Stealin’ that.
My barber told me this one last week; apparently it’s an oldie. May not be appropriate for FR, though, so it may be zotted quickly...
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vets clinic when they struck up a conversation. The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said: So, why are you here?
The yellow Lab replied: Im a pisser. I piss on everything .the sofa, the curtains, the cat and the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owners bed.
The black Lab said: So whats the vet going to do?
Gonna cut my nuts off, came the reply from the yellow Lab. They reckon itll calm me down.
The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked: So, why are you here?
The Black Lab said: Im a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees. I dig just for the hell of it. When Im inside, I dig up the carpets, but I went over the line last night, when I dug a great big hole in my owners couch.
So what are they going to do to you ? the Yellow Lab enquired.
Looks like Im losing my nuts too, the dejected Black Lab said.
The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked: Why are you here?
Im a humper, said the Great Dane. Ill hump anything. Ill hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts; I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldnt help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away.
The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said: So, its nuts off for you too, huh?
The Great Dane said: No. Apparently Im here to get my nails clipped!
That’s a howl!
It’s common core math.
Punk and old geezer 2.0
Little Johnny is sitting on a park bench, scarfing down candy bar after candy bar.
An old man is sitting on a bench across from Johnny and says; “You know...eating that many candy bars is not good for you.”
Johnny replies; “Hey! My grandpa lived to be 97!”
The old man asks; “Yeah, but did he eat candy bars like you are?”
To which Johnny responds; “No, but he did mind his own damm business!”
Yeah, I burst out laughing when my barber told it. He built the story up real well and that punch line was a total surprise. I think there’s a chunk of hair missing where his trimmer slipped when I laughed.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.