Posted on 07/28/2015 6:09:00 AM PDT by rfreedom4u
My wife is mentally ill. I realize many men say this and most are probably kidding but in my case it is 100% true. Her illness began in 1996 after the birth of our last child. At first we were told it was post-partum depression. She was hospitalized that year several times and given various medications.
We’ve never really gone to church much but she began talking about religion quite a bit so I bought her a bible (NKJ) and she devoured it. She was reading it all the time and one day I noticed she was crossing parts out and writing in the margin. I asked her why and she stated, “It was interpreted wrong and I am writing the correct interpretation.” I asked her how she knew her interpretation was correct and she said, “I get my information from God.” This lead to numerous trips to hospitals and more meds. She also began stating that she saw angels and demons and that they spoke to her. When I inquired as to what they were telling her she said I wouldn’t understand.
In the next few years she continued to have good and bad months. She was hospitalized several times over the next few years and again given various medications and diagnoses. These went from bi-polar to schizophrenic to psychotic. She has never been violent but was very adamant that we should all become vegans. She would go so far as to attempting to capture and bug she saw in the house so that she could release it into the wild.
Since I was in the military we moved several times. Each time we arrived at a new post I had to explain to my command the situation. I could see that they didn’t really believe it was as bad as I said until she started having a bad month again. Once it got so bad that I took the kids to a hotel and had to stay away for a few days.
Over the first few years of her illness I was investigated several times because she made allegations that I was abusive to both her and the children. All of these were proved false. She was paranoid and constantly accused me of sleeping around with other women. When she is “stable” she starts to think she does not need her meds and will slowly decrease her dosage (by skipping days) and eventually will stop altogether. I will notice little things in her behavior that become big things. When she starts to talk about certain things (religion, abuse, veganism) I can tell she is off her meds. I’ve tried to reason with her and get her to her shrink as soon as possible but she will become very assertive that there is nothing wrong with her. Many times I have had her hospitalized against her will as she was a threat to herself. This was usually because she was not taking care of herself or eating. Twice she was hospitalized with suicidal tendencies and once for actually attempting suicide.
Throughout all these now 19 years I have done my best to deal with her and give the kids the best lives possible. Times of high stress are the worst for her. Just this year she lost two of her three sisters to cancer and her dad passed away last month. She is now on the downslide and I predict she will be hospitalized again within the next few weeks.
All of our children are adults now. We have been married for almost 27 years (19 of which she’s been ill). I feel so worn down and beaten from dealing with this for so long that at times I feel like just packing a bag and leaving. Perhaps become a vagabond and drift around the world. If I were to do that I know she wouldn’t last long as in her times of psychosis she places herself in dangerous situations. Once she wandered off for a week and we found her in a homeless shelter. Now we are in the Houston area and it is quite dangerous to wander about the city. This world is full of bad people.
I feel like I am at the end of my rope and no longer want to deal with this anymore. Her illness stresses me out and gets me down. I want to just leave but realize that would be the worst thing for her. The next few weeks will be hard. But I will have to make my decision to stay or leave. I know the kids will be mad if I leave her because she needs help. But at the same time they will understand because they’ve seen the hell that I’ve been through. We went through it together when they were growing up. So, do I stay or do I go? I’m not even sure what I will do. I thought writing about it would make me feel a little better and maybe help in making the decision but it hasn’t.
Comments and advice are welcome. Life sucks sometimes.
How old was she when the symptoms started?
She was 32 when they started.
What a nightmare you have been living. My mother in law had some mental health problems but nothing as bad as your wife. I don’t have any advice but you have my prayers.
The Lord bless you and keep you;
the Lord make his face shine on you
and be gracious to you;
the Lord turn his face toward you
and give you peace.
- - - - - - -
It may not sound like an answer to your question, but it is all I can offer on the subject.
Fortunately this has not happened to me, but it has to my friends and I’m suspect of someone close. It’s often passed down through the generations, as for advice, I have none.
Dealing with a spouse that has an illness is weary on the soul. My wife suffers from chronic and acute attacks of pancreatitis as well as recently having a pulmonary embolism. The doctors at the ER typically believe she is drug seeking and treat her like a junkie. Her condition was caused by a surgeon that improperly sliced her pancreatic duct, but could not be considered malpractice, so she suffers.
As a military man, I compartmentalize and take care of the house, kids, and pets as I should, but trying to deal with what my wife has become (extremely short tempered, massive weight gain, constantly sleeping, little to no will to live, etc.) is taxing on our children and has its effects on me as well.
I deal with it through prayer and other Marines that attend my church. This is my advice to you as well. Please turn to Christ as He is the only answer. Our wives may never be healed in this life, but will not suffer in the next. Be patient with your bride as she is going through something that is more frightening to her than anything we could imagine. In her lucid moments, she probably realizes what is happening but cannot express it. Try to imagine if you were truly able to see angels and demons, how would those around you react?
“So, do I stay or do I go?”
I don’t think anyone but you can make that decision, rfeedom4u. I will say this: I am very sorry that you have gone through so much torment and that your wife is mentally ill. Do you know of any mental illness in her family? Was she diagnosed and if so.. with what? May I say that I do applaud you for keeping the family intact while the kids were growing up. I say this because you must have provided some stability and comfort to your children.
God intended for marriage to be until death do us part, however, no one can discount the hell you’ve been through. Sounds like it has almost been like living with someone who is unfaithful as she surely has not been a marriage partner. Turn to the Lord if you want real help. You did not say whether you are a believer or not, but I can say with assurance that He sees your plight and is there to help if you call on Him. I know of others who have been through similar things as believers. They stayed on to care for the spouse, and through it all, God was there, but they enjoyed His peace in their situation because they did not give up.
This sounds very much like my Mom, although it happened to her later (her 50’s). It was diagnosed as dementia, although I think that was the ‘easy course’. I do know that it wore my Dad out to the point that his dementia wasn’t diagnosed until my Mom passed. Tough row to hoe, my FRiend. Prayers up. Bottom line .... your and your childrens’ health is the primary concern. Get your wife the care she needs and DO NOT take ‘no’ for an answer from TRICARE. There are lawyers (and congresscritters) who will help.
You’ve both got my prayers.
You don’t mention family other than your kids. Do you or she have family who can help? What about friends or church members? Sounds like you need some “down-time” and a little bit of peace. Is that possible?
I have no advice either except to tell you that you have lived a better life than most of us because of your heroic, sustained commitment to your marriage and your children in the most difficult of circumstances. Please don’t think you are “missing out” on living a “normal life”. I only wish I had the courage and strength that you have.
We’ve both been to numerous therapy and counseling sessions. I’ve even gone by myself for a while.
I can’t tell you what to do, but be honest with yourself. Do you think she will ever get any better?
This life is short and only a vapor compared to eternity. Honor your vow to love in sickness and in health. Take measures to protect your safety, but don’t stop caring for her.
1 Corinthians 4: “For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.”
I can only answer for what I would do in that circumstance.
I would do something different. If I always stayed, I would leave. Sometimes, people feel “safe” indulging their psychosis because they knew there is a safety net. Whatever happens, someone will care for them. If I can push them into that place where their problems must be confronted, maybe they will take them seriously.
IOW they quit taking their meds because you are always there if anything goes wrong. If you take that away, they might decide that taking their meds is the best strategy.
I had a friend who was married to a woman who was physically abusive when she went off her meds. He started leaving to go hang out with friends out of state. Once she figured out he had a place to get away from her, she quit being physically abusive. Despite her mental issues, she was still rational.
I will be slammed for this but IMHO get out. Get out and make yourself as scarce as possible. There is little chance you can have her permanently committed in today’s climate. You did your duty, your kids are adults. You deserve a chance to be happy. The stress will/has take(n) a toll on you. Separate your affairs from hers and get a divorce.
Some things cannot be fixed and the mental “health” industry is a wreck. As you said she has had multiple diagnoses and medications. You cannot force her to take her meds, so again get out as cleanly as possible.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.