Maybe not funny, but the part in “The Shining” where Jack is telling Wendy she’s had her whole f**king LIFE to think things over....”What good’s a few more minutes gonna do you now?”
Full Metal Jacket.
Gunny’s rants are not funny. Especially if he is one inch from your face, but they are immortal.
And very profane.
Are you quitting on me? Well, are you? Then quit, you slimy *** walrus-looking piece of ***! Get the **** off of my obstacle! Get the **** down off of my obstacle! NOW! MOVE IT! Or I’m going to rip your **** off, so you cannot contaminate the rest of the world! I will motivate you, Private Pyle, IF IT ****-****EVERY CANNIBAL ON THE CONGO!
more....
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0093058/quotes
My favorite is Steve Martin’s completely-stressed rant in “Planes, Trains and Automobiles.”
You know everything is not an anecdote.
You have to discriminate. You choose things that are funny or mildly amusing or interesting.
You’re a miracle! Your stories have NONE of that. They’re not even amusing ACCIDENTALLY!
“Honey, I’d like you to meet Del Griffith, he’s got some amusing anecodotes for you. Oh and here’s a gun so you can blow your brains out. You’ll thank me for it.”
I could tolerate any insurance seminar. For days I could sit there and listen to them go on and on with a big smile on my face. They’d say, “How can you stand it?” I’d say, “’Cause I’ve been with Del Griffith.
I can take ANYTHING.” You know what they’d say? They’d say, “I know what you mean. The shower curtain ring guy. Woah.” It’s like going on a date with a Chatty Cathy doll.
I expect you have a little string on your chest, you know, that I pull out and have to snap back. Except I wouldn’t pull it out and snap it back - you would. Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh!
And by the way, you know, when you’re telling these little stories? Here’s a good idea - have a POINT. It makes it SO much more interesting for the listener! “
Neal Page(Steve Martin) - Planes, Trains, and Automobiles
Tom Hanks busted a good one, leaving the grim factory job in Joe Vs the Volcano. Suck, suck, suck.
ANIMAL HOUSE belushi pearl harbor speech
“They took the bar! The whole ******* bar!”
Glengarry Glen Ross had some good ones.
“Coffee is for closers”
George Bailey breaks down in It’s A Wonderful Life: “You call this a happy family? Why do we have to have all these kids?”
"Are you, by chance, a nurse?"
"No, but I used to be a junkie."
"Would it harm your professional standards if I ask you to use a sterilized needle?"
"You're the doctor." shrug
"Oh, that's the nicest thing anyone has said to me today."
I think of this scene each time I see flu shot signs advertising 'administered by professional nurses.'
Two best of all time come from Chevy Chase in “Christmas Vacation”
“Where do you think you’re going? Nobody’s leaving. Nobody’s walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We’re all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We’re gonna press on, and we’re gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny f***ing Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he’s gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.”
“Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I’d like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey sh** he is! Hallelujah! Holy sh**! Where’s the Tylenol? “