***THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD***

[Lucky9teen]

In honor of "National Joe Day"....heeeeeeeeeeeeeere's Joe:

"The United States has traded an American POW for five Taliban prisoners. Originally, the deal included Joe Biden, but the Taliban said no." –David Letterman

"After discovering a new dwarf planet orbiting the sun beyond Pluto, scientists have named it '2012 VP113' or 'Biden' for short. Scientists say they chose the name because the planet, like Biden, is pretty far out there." –Seth Meyers

"President Obama said that his strategy for foreign policy is to be patient and determined. Which is also his strategy when it comes to Biden's bedtime." –Jimmy Fallon

"On Saturday President Obama and Joe Biden spent more than four hours playing golf together. Joe Biden’s handicap is 20, while Obama’s handicap . . . is Joe Biden." –Jimmy Fallon

"Vice President Joe Biden said today that he had to ask his wife Jill to marry him five times before she said yes. Five times! Joe, that's not a proposal, that's harassment." –Jay Leno

"This week Vice President Joe Biden spoke at a senior center in Iowa. Which explains why the seniors were like, 'Is this Hell?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Betty White met with President Obama at the White House. President Obama invited Betty personally because she's great with animals. And the president's still having a tough time house-training Joe Biden." –Craig Ferguson

"A reporter in Florida was forced into a closet by Joe Biden's staff to keep him from talking to guests at a fund-raiser. The guy said it wouldn't have been so bad if Biden wasn't already in there for the same reason." —Jimmy Fallon

"Sarah Palin has managed to use her failed vice presidential run to put herself in a position of power and influence. Joe Biden won the race and he hasn't been able to put himself in a position of power and influence." –Craig Ferguson

"Vice President Joe Biden has suggested to people out of work to just 'hang in there.' What a difference two years makes: Remember 'hope and change'? Now it's 'hang in there.'" —Jay Leno

"Vice President Joe Biden said there has been no 'substantive damage' to the United States by Julian Assange in the whole WikiLeaks scandal. He says it has been embarrassing, but you can't prosecute people for embarrassing the United States. If that were true, Joe Biden would be serving life in prison." –Jay Leno

"Sir Paul McCartney played at the White House last night. He dedicated the Beatles song 'Michelle' to the First Lady. Isn't that lovely? And then for Joe Biden, he played 'Fool on the Hill.'" --Craig Ferguson

"Joe Biden accidentally revealed the location of the Vice President's top secret bunker. The guy can't help it. But he did apologize. He said, 'I am so sorry for the mistake. The launch code is 85334. It will never happen again. It will never happen again. My Gmail password is robot23. What am I doing? The house key is under the plant near the doorstep.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Vice President Joe Biden is on a trip to Bosnia, Serbia, and Kosovo. The White House is calling it 'Operation Keep Biden Away From the Microphones.'" --Jay Leno

"At the Gridiron Dinner, Joe Biden started talking and accidentally revealed Dick Cheney's secret hiding place. See, there's more proof you don't need waterboarding to get secret information. Just give Joe Biden a couple of drinks....This is part of our new plan. It's called 'Don't Ask, We'll Tell.'" --Jay Leno

"There was a private screening of 'Star Trek' at the White House over the weekend. And President Obama said he really liked the film. The best thing about private screenings, because we get to do them – it's not like seeing it with the public, you know, where there might be some moron talking through the whole movie. In fact, that's why they didn't tell Joe Biden." --Jay Leno

"Vice President Joe Biden said on the 'Today' show that the subways in New York City are not safe because of swine flu. Hey Joe, listen to this - the subways weren’t safe before swine flu." –David Letterman

"Oh, on Friday, President Obama was taken to a secure location in the White House after a single engine plane strayed over White House air space. As a precaution, they took the President to a place in the White House nobody even knew existed -- Joe Biden's office." --Jay Leno

"Hey, I thought this was nice. To celebrate Earth Day, a group of schoolchildren in Washington each planted a hair plug in Joe Biden's head." --Jay Leno

"President Obama says his daughters will take care of the dog, but who picks up the dog's poop after the kids go to sleep? Well, that duty will fall on a low-level employee with nothing else to do. Joe Biden's going to be cleaning up." --Craig Ferguson

The Obamas have chosen a new White House dog. It is a Portuguese water dog named Bo. Very cute dog. Their first choice was a wheaten terrier, but it was arrested for tax evasion. Bo arrived just in time, because Sasha and Malia were getting tired of throwing Frisbees at Joe Biden." --Jimmy Fallon

"Today was Joe Biden's first full day as vice president. Yeah, advisors say Biden spent most of the day watering his hair." --Conan O'Brien

"It's Vice President-elect Joe Biden's birthday today. And Barack Obama bought him 12 cupcakes for his birthday, which is a smart gift to give Biden because when his mouth is full of cupcakes he can't say anything stupid." --Craig Ferguson

"Late last night, Sen. Barack Obama was elected the 44th president of these United States. And even if you are a Republican or a member of one of the small crazy people parties, you could find something to be happy about, whether it's that we have our first-ever African-American president or even that we have our first vice president with hair plugs." --Jimmy Kimmel

"See, I got to admit, as a comedian, I'm gonna miss President Bush. Because Barack Obama is not easy to do jokes about. He doesn't give you a lot to go on. See, this is why God gave us Joe Biden." --Jay Leno

"I guess there seems to be some trouble brewing between Sarah Palin and John McCain. McCain aides say that Sarah Palin is 'going rogue' and not taking advice or notes from the McCain campaign. They say it is hard to keep her from going off script and making statements that hurt the campaign. It's gotten so bad, her Secret Service codename is now 'Joe Biden.'" --Jay Leno

"After his big speech in North Carolina today, Senator Joe Biden said he was experiencing a sore throat and lost his voice. Boy, the good news doesn't stop for Barack Obama. Just one lucky break after another." --Jay Leno

"They began filming a porno movie this week called 'Nailin' Palin.' They've hired a woman who looks like Governor Palin to star in this porn movie. It's called 'Nailin Palin,' and they expect a lot of guys to go see it. The porn movie nobody wants to see? 'Ridin' Biden.'" --Jay Leno

"You know, an article in the Washington Post today said that some medical experts believe Joe Biden may have had Botox. In fact, you know how they could tell? His expression didn't change when they asked him about his hair plugs." --Jay Leno

"And as you know, they've already come out with a Sarah Palin action figure. And today, the Democrats released a Joe Biden action figure. It talks and talks and talks. You just can't get the thing to shut up." --Jay Leno

"In fact, the other day while talking to a group of supporters, Joe Biden said that Hillary Clinton might have been a better pick for vice president than him. Well, that's one thing to get the base fired up. Tell them, they picked the wrong person! Yeah! That'll get them fired up!" --Jay Leno

"Joe Biden is Barack Obama's running mate. Yeah, nothing says change like a guy who's been in the Senate for 35 years." --David Letterman


 

---

Bidenisms

“Isn’t it a b*tch? This vice president thing? That was a joke, that was a joke. Best decision I ever made. I’m joking. That was a joke. Folks, I can tell you I've known eight presidents, three of them intimately."

Look at what they [Republicans] value, and look at their budget. And look what they're proposing. [Romney] said in the first 100 days, he's going to let the big banks write their own rules -- unchain Wall Street. They're going to put y'all back in chains."

"My mother believed and my father believed that if I wanted to be president of the United States, I could be, I could be Vice President!"

"I guess what I'm trying to say without boring you too long at breakfast—and you all look dull as hell, I might add. The dullest audience I have ever spoken to. Just sitting there, staring at me. Pretend you like me!"

"I promise you, the president has a big stick. I promise you." --Joe Biden, citing Theodore Roosevelt's famous quote, "Speak softly and carry a big stick; you will go far."

"This is a big f**king deal!"

"His mom lived in Long Island for ten years or so. God rest her soul. And- although, she's- wait- your mom's still- your mom's still alive. Your dad passed. God bless her soul." -

"I wouldn't go anywhere in confined places now. … When one person sneezes it goes all the way through the aircraft. That's me. I would not be, at this point, if they had another way of transportation, suggesting they ride the subway."

"Jill and I had the great honor of standing on that stage, looking across at one of the great justices, Justice Stewart." –Joe Biden, mistakenly referring to Justice John Paul Stevens, who swore him in as vice president, Washington, D.C., Jan. 20, 2009

"You know, I'm embarrassed. Do you know the Web site number? I should have it in front of me and I don't. I'm actually embarrassed." –Joe Biden, speaking to an aide standing out of view during an interview on CBS' "Early Show," in the midst of encouraging viewers to visit a government-run Web site that tracks stimulus spending, Feb. 25, 2009

"If we do everything right, if we do it with absolute certainty, there's still a 30% chance we're going to get it wrong."

"Look, John's last-minute economic plan does nothing to tackle the number-one job facing the middle class, and it happens to be, as Barack says, a three-letter word: jobs. J-O-B-S, jobs."

"You cannot go to a 7-11 or a Dunkin' Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent.... I'm not joking."

"Stand up, Chuck, let 'em see ya."

[BenLurkin]

[left that other site]

Me Too.

[martin_fierro]

Cat Panorama

[who knows what evil?]

...not a cat box I’d want to be cleaning...

[JRios1968]

[relentlessly]

[Lucky9teen]

[Lucky9teen]

Did you say creepy?

[relentlessly]

Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach, now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
_____

As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents. Now I’m a parent...and I don`t want to get caught misbehaving by my kids.
_____

I think my smart phone is broken.

I pressed the home button and I’m still at work.
_____

Just watched the news and...those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working.
_____

[Disambiguator]

Has to be Bollywood.

[Lucky9teen]

Dance like no one is watching

[sockhead]

“Yep, that’s right - I miss Bill Clinton!”

He was the closest thing we ever got to having a real black man as President.

*He played the sax.

*He smoked weed.

*He had his way with ugly white women.

*Even now? Look at him ... his wife works, and he doesn’t! And, he gets a check from the government every month.

*Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America ‘s shelves this week with “ Clinton Soup,” in honor of one of the nations’ distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.

*Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada.

*When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, “I don’t know, I never had one.”

*The Clinton revised judicial oath: “I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know.”

*Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between the Bushes.

[JRios1968]

Laz would hit it

[ArGee]

Good afternoon, U.S. State Department. How can I help you?

THIS IS ACHMED BIN MUHAMMAD. I DEMAND THAT THE UNITED STATES WITHDRAW IMMEDIATELY FROM ALL MUSLIM CONTROLLED COUNTRIES.

It’s not necessary to shout sir. I can help you. So that I may properly direct your call, please tell me what other demands you will make in order to have this demand granted?

DEATH TO AMERICA!!! DEATH TO ISRAEL!!! WE DEMAND IMMEDIATE WITHDRAWL AND WE WILL NOT CONCEDE - er - WHAT????!!!!

Oh, we’re with you on the Israel thing, sir.The State Department will be glad to discuss your concern with you. But to direct you to an official with proper authority I need to know your other demands.

THEN YOU WILL NOT BE ASKING THAT WE CONCEDE SOMETHING IN ORDER TO GET SOMETHING.

Oh, no, Mr. Bin Muhammad. That kind of negotiation is so last century. Maybe you have us confused with someone else, like Israel or even France. No, here in the United States we negotiate by listening to your increasing list of demands until we get tired of talking. Then we grant them all.

BUT WE HAVE NO OTHER DEMANDS. WE SIMPLY DEMAND A COMPLETE WITHDRAWL OF ALL MOSLEM COUNTRIES AND DETROIT IMMEDIATELY.

Sir, unless I know what demands you will make in order to have your demand met I can’t really direct your call.

I DEMAND THAT YOU DIRECT MY CALL WITHOUT ANY OTHER DEMANDS.

Oh, well, that’s different. I can work with that. Let’s see, demands in a change of procedure is Undersecretary Clinton - a distant relation, you know, of the former Secretary of State. I’ll connect you now.

I DEMAND YOU CONNECT ME NOW.

Yes, sir, that’s what I said. I’ll connect you now.

WHY AM I SPEAKING TO A WOMAN. I DEMAND TO SPEAK TO A MAN.

Oh, I’m sorry sir. Undersecretary Clinton won’t be able to help you with demands that the department become sexist. That’s Undersecretary Clinton.

BUT YOU JUST SAID...

A different one. I’ll connect you now.

WOMAN, YOU MUST STOP PLAYING THESE GAMES WITH ME. WE WILL CAUSE THE DEATHS OF MANY INNOCENT AMERICANS AND FORCE SCHOOLCHILDREN TO EAT HOTDOGS AND FRENCH FRIES IF MY DEMANDS ARE NOT MET.

I’m trying to meet your demands, sir, Please hold while I transfer you.

YOU OBVIOUSLY DO NOT TAKE ME SERIOUSLY. VERY WELL. WE WILL TAKE IMMEDIATE ACTION. DEATH TO AMERICA!!! DEATH TO ISRAEL!!!

[Liberty Valance]

"Folks, I can tell you I've known eight presidents,
three of them intimately." ---Joe Biden

[Liberty Valance]

"Just watched the news and...those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working."

L O L !

[Lucky9teen]

[Lucky9teen]

Aasif Mandvi Mocks the Media in Brutal RTCA Dinner Speech

[Lucky9teen]

Just one, big, happy family!!

[BenLurkin]