With that said, bring on the silliness....
Posted on 04/08/2016 6:04:56 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous. (Winston Churchill loved them).
1. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you ... but it’s still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up — we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, “In case of emergency, notify... “ I answered “ a doctor.”
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute
to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
16. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I’m supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
Nice.
How to release a cougar...
http://griffinsguide.com/content/2016/03/22/utah-game-warden-releases-trapped-cougar-video/
Top 52? I’m on a roll!!
Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.
How to give a cat a pill.
1) Pick up cat and cradle it in the crock of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of the cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm while holding rear paws tightly with left hand Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Retrieve spouse from outside.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible form below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans. Drink one beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door on neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot of scotch and drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check record for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw shirt away and fetch new on from bedroom.
12) Call fire department to retrieve cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13) Tie the little &#^@’s front legs to rear legs with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak. Be rough about it. Hold cat’s head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the ER. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
Because banana.
Some wisdom
Senility has been a smooth transition for me.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
My goal for 2015 was to lose just 10 pounds. Only 15 to go
I think I’ll just put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
People who debate whether the wine glass is half empty or half full miss the point. It’s refillable!
The way I release a cougar is to stop buying them drinks.
A farmer's daughter had a city boy for her new beau. His first time out to the farm he brought a bucket of fried chicken and was shocked to see how the place was wide open with farm critters just wondering freely about the house & grounds.
Having a seat in the living room while waiting on the dinner table to be set he saw a cat come in the front door. While everyone was busy he figgered he'd have a little fun teasing the family tabby with a chicken leg.
A few minutes later, the family heard an awful racket and screaming in the living room. The farmer went quickly to investigate. He arrived just as the "tabby" was exiting the house with the chicken leg and the new beau was standing there in tattered clothing, quite bloodied.
The new beau told the farmer what happened and the farmer sez "Well boy, sorry for your troubles. But next time I'd suggest you NOT mess with that danged Bobcat!"
Only there ain’t going to be a next time cause I ain’t a-going to let my daughter marry ennybuddy so danged stupid.
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