Posted on 11/23/2010 7:17:47 PM PST by Jack Hydrazine
November 26 Toaster Related Deaths at an All-Time High
Now that 2007 is nearly over, the World Organization of Statistics has released frightening new information that shows toaster related deaths are up all across the world this year.
"It's not just in the US, it's everywhere," said Dr. Kevin Willie, self-proclaimed 'Statistical Genius'. "It is an alarming trend, and only appears to be getting worse."
The number of toaster related deaths in the world this past year was 45. This is up 12 from last year, and up 15 from two years ago. The number of toaster related deaths in the US alone was 17, nearly a 7% increase over the past year. This year toasters have killed nearly ten times more people worldwide than the deadly polio virus, and no one disputes what a terrible plague polio has been on society.
"At the steep rate that toaster deaths are increasing, the entire human race may soon be wiped out," claimed Dr. Willie.
Most often, toaster deaths are caused by a lack of respect, and fear, for the common toaster.
"Toasters are programmed only to toast. They know nothing else. They feel no pain, they have no compassion. They will tear a man to pieces and cook him to a golden brown without a second thought," said Nathan Jones.
Nathan lost his wife and daughter in a toaster related incident four years ago and has been working to instill fear of toasters in all who he meets so that they will not have to relive his experience. "All they wanted was toast, but what they got was death," he often tells his audiences.
"People are lackadaisical, just putting bread and bagels into the toaster," said Dr. Jack Snow. "They don't even stop to think about how the toaster is really an unstoppable killing machine."
Dr. Snow works for the Aaron Burr Medical Institution, which specializes in toaster related injuries. He has treated dozens of toaster injuries in the past decade.
"I've seen things that you'd never want to see, things far worse than even a Mariah Carry movie," said Dr. Snow. "But saddest of all, most of these injuries could have been easily prevented."
One of Dr. Snow's recent cases involved a young newlywed couple. The wife lost her ring in a toaster while reaching for her bagel. And her foolhardy husband went after it with a fork.
"If only the husband would have contacted the Toaster Squad, they could have safely removed the ring," said Dr. Snow. "But he did not assess the real danger of the toaster, and it ended with me having to surgically reattach both arms."
Another recent case did not have such a happy ending. Little Bobby loved toast, and he loved taking bathes. But together, his two loves created an explosive mistress of death.
"Poor little Bobby, tried to take his toaster in the tub," said Dr. Snow, a tear streaming down his cheek. "We could only identify the body by comparing his teeth with our dental records. If only his parents had warned him about the dangers of Toaster Bathing, he would have worn his protective rubber suit and would still be with us today."
Dr. Snow, Nathan Jones, and others like them have been working hard for years to promote "Safe Toasting" across the United States. They have created television commercials and pamphlets detailing the dangers of using a toaster and what safety measures should be taken when you do.
"It is a simple reality that toaster injuries can be avoided," said Dr. Snow. "Always ground yourself before using a toaster, make sure you have rubber soled shoes, wear rubber gloves, and if you are toasting in a moist environment, don't forget your full body rubber suit. Follow these simple rules and you have no reason to fear your everyday breakfast routine."
While toaster deaths have been on a rise in recent years, their threat has remained largely unpublicized. Few people know the real dangers of toasters. Unfortunately, it seems that only now that toasters have become a leading cause of death worldwide are they truly being seen for what they truly are; cold, heartless killing machines. We must hope that with education and training, this trend will soon be reversed less we all be faced with the cruel wraith of the toaster.
Clearly it’s time for some common-sense toaster legislation.
Do flying toasters apply?
I support toaster registration, and required training classes before someone is licensed to use a toaster.
Chinese toasters LOL
Why hasn’t the Attorney General issued a recall? Why hasn’t the FLOTUS warned the parents and children? Where is the department of Homeland Security? Slackers, Slackers!
LOL
All around the country coast to coast,
people always say what do you like most.
I don’t wanna brag i don’t wanna boast,
I always tell ‘em I like toast.
TOAST! Yeah TOAST!
I'm reasonably sure that deaths from every possible cause is at an all time high...(considering the difficulty in getting undead.)
Toasters lie. Obey the spatula.
The guy is mental! That’s what led to the unfortunate accident involving the trash compactor!
Assault toasters will jump up and kill you for no reason.
Watch out for those with extra chambers.
"...the bagel gets stuck, and you stick in the butter knife..."
On the bright side.........OBAMA IS TOAST! LOL
So this is how the Cylons started rebelling........
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